Wednesday, October 18, 2006

the delayed post

Am I really a bad mother?
My mom seems to think I am. Now my grandma probably think I am too. *sigh* She left for her China trip this morning. Her reminder of things to do and not to do, and about Ekiel before she left somewhat pisses me off especially when it is done in front of my grandma whom I know thinks I am a complete failure/embarrassment to the family.

"Don’t oversleep" "Make sure Ekiel wears warm clothes when it is raining" "Make sure you take care of him" "I feel so guilty leaving him now" I know she meant well, I keep telling myself that. It still hurt to think she thinks I am not capable of taking care of my own child and I do not care/love my son as much as her. *sigh* Maybe I am over emotional. I think it is sad that my mom (or anyone) underestimate my love for Ekiel.
Oh please give me the patience and the strength to hold on.

I called my brother to check on Ekiel and he told me he didn’t give Ekiel his bottle because Ekiel did not ask for it. WTF? My son had his last bottle at 7.30 this morning! I told my brother to feed Ekiel around 11am-nish. My mom is so going to tell everyone I starve her grandson even though it is not my fault. She will say a good mother will think/remember her kids even when she is busy saving the world. *sigh*

Please, please give me extra extra doses of patience. And I could use some now.

It’s Friday but my morning was a little shitty. Already a little upset with the above incident, she has to agitate me too. *banging head on the wall* She can say whatever she want because I just don’t care anymore, not that I can do anything about it. It is so very the obvious she is the one with the problem. She claims she is the victim. *rolls eyes* Many others are having problem working with her. Obviously the owners of the butt she kisses has no complains *rolls eyes* I SO HATE the double standard. I wish I could make her disappear whenever she is having one of her moods. She isn’t that bad really, it’s just when she is in her b**** mode she is a pain in my butt.

---
When I got home, the house was in a mess and the dishes in the sink were full. *banging head on wall* I don’t understand why no one is bothered with all the clutter. If I could, I would have grabbed my son and run out of there as fast as I could. But Noooo… I actually wash all the dishes and made my younger sister to clean up the living room mess – all she did was move the mess from the floor to the table/sofa. *tsk tsk tsk* Before, when I tried to teach Ekiel to put away his toys properly, my mom/sisters laughed at me. Now he is more stubborn than before and putting away his toys is not in his to-do list. Never will.

I am feeling much better today. I had a good sleep and a normal dream. Normal because the dream I had the night before was SCARY.

It started with me and my sister going in a shop looking for something I cannot remember. In the shop I met some friends whom I have not met in a very long time. Then I remember wanting to go to a shopping complex and there were a few drug addicts hanging around the side door entrance area. So I walked past them as quickly when one of them started to chase after me. I tried to run when I suddenly realize that I was in a car.
I didn’t see the guy’s face but in my heart I know this guy and I was somewhat afraid of him – let’s call him PDS (Psychotic Driving Stranger). So, we were driving through a housing area. It suddenly hit me that PDS was taking me to his house and I do not want that. So I told him, well it was more screaming, "I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE DAMNIT. IF YOU MAKE ME I AM GOING TO JUMP OUT OF THE CAR." And to stress that point, I opened the car door (which I will SO not do in reality). PDS tried to close the door back and driving the same time when he almost hit something. He slowed down the car and that’s when I took the opportunity to run away. So I ran towards this alley and PDS was screaming demanding I go back (– why would I be so stupid to go back to him) and he drove his car away. I knew he was going to wait for me the end of that alley, so I ran towards the opposite direction. Am I smart or what?

The funny thing is, while I was running away from PDS, I realized I was running with no shoes on. What happened to my shoes? I was like "Where the f*** is my shoes?" "Damnit." But I keep on running anyway because running barefooted isn’t as bad as going back to PDS’ house. So I was running and running until I reach a gated area. I didn’t know what to do when suddenly a lady with a kid came out of no where with the keys to the gate. I remember it was a very shinning silver key. She unlocked the gate and I followed her home. I remember locking her front door and I felt really safe. That’s when I woke up.

---
When my mom came back from China, she managed to criticize and piss me off three times within less than ten hours and I was sleeping six out of that ten hours. *sigh* Before she knew what’s going on/what happened, she already criticize me in front of my other relatives. I know she loves all of us the same, but there are times when I wonder why is she attacking me all the time. Even when she is upset with my sister she let it out on me. If I could I would have just packed our stuff and move out. IF only it is that easy. *sigh*

I know I am not the daughter everyone wants to have. Only God knows how much grief I have given her. If I could, I would change all that. I really do. Now, I am just so tired making sure everyone is happy.

I need a good hug.

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