Wednesday, June 27, 2007

my first romance

I found my first "love" when I was 14 years old. I first saw him (let's call him X) riding on a school van and *bam* I was in love. He was so good looking, I was so sure I wasn’t his type besides he was dating a junior from my school.

Those days, I was a little mischievous (still am really). My friends and I have this WEIRD habit of making prank calls to a bunch of popular boys from an all-boy school nearby. It was fun especially when most of those boys are disgustingly OVER confident about their charms

Me: You have so many admirers from my school and we all think you’re so cute!
Boy: I know.
Me: I like men who are confident of themselves (OMG. Yuck.).

Anyway, he wasn’t anything like the rest of them. In fact I found him refreshingly sweet and down to earth. We ended up talking and soon became friends. He never asked who I really am. He just accepted me as what I told him. We spoke on the phone every Saturday for four years. We shared our dreams and fears and talked about everything. I cannot help but to fall for him big time. Unfortunately within that four years he was seeing someone else.

For our 18th birthday, I asked him what he wanted as a gift. He said he wanted to know who I really am. My worst nightmare then would be losing him when he knows who I really am. He maybe recognized my name but we were not friends or hang out with the same crowd. I refused. After a while, he managed to convince me and so I told him. You have no idea how relieved I was when he was cool about it and said, "Hey, I know you."

One day, I went to a shopping mall with a friend of mine. We were walking around while waiting for the rest of our girlfriends to so-called celebrate my birthday. My friend asked me what would I do if X suddenly show up in front of me. I told her I don’t know. She keeps on bugging me with that question, I got fed up, stopped walking and told her I would bolt out of there so fast I would be gone before she realized it.

And exactly at that moment, X appeared out of nowhere, standing next to my friend and asked her "Are you Clara’s friend?" while looking at me. I was so surprised and shy I couldn’t move. I just stood there and watched my friend dragged X away. All I remembered I stood there like an idiot and then I started to laugh and cry at the same time.

My friend came back and explained that it was supposed to be my birthday surprise but he screwed it up by coming late. She then told me he wanted to see me and asked if I was up for it. I agreed but I went and bought him a present first. I know it was so... but I wanted him to have something for his birthday. Besides, I’ve always sent him birthday cards through some friends.

I don’t remember what we talked about but the meeting was short because I felt like an idiot. I was so nervous I didn’t know what to say and most of the time I just gawked at him. He was nice enough not to run away and move to a different country.

Then I left for KL. We lost contact for a while due to schedule and it was expansive to call him. One day, while I was at a bowling alley with some friends, my sister and friend came running to me and say "He’s here! He’s here!" Without thinking I ran out while wearing the bowling shoes just to see him with my own eyes. *hangs head in shame* So very the desperate huh?

He was in KL to study for a few months. One day I invited him out, yes I asked him out. We went to a movie and dinner. He even walked me home although he was living about 15 minutes away from me. I was on cloud nine BUT I knew we would never be together because I have changed so much within that one year.

Somewhere in the conversation, he hinted that he was going back home soon and hated KL life while I was so sure I would never go home for good. Well, that obviously didn’t happen. He said he wanted to settle down while I was enjoying my life. So we parted and moved on with our lives. I was sad but I was distracted with other things that were going on in my life then.

Honestly, I’ve never stopped thinking about him. I "used" to compare my exes because I never felt that same feeling I have for him with other people. I managed to get his number and I used all the courage I have to text messaged him. I invited him out for coffee when I came back for holidays but he never replied after I told him I am only home for a visit.

A friend of mine told me he was getting married so I stopped trying. It broke my heart but I accepted the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. I still couldn’t get over him no matter what I did. It was crazy but that is the truth. When I hear his name, my heart would start racing so fast and the butterflies in my stomach would go crazy.

Recently, I accidentally found his profile in one of those sites. After ten years, I finally saw him, well his pictures anyway. I was excited. The butterflies flew for a while. I looked at his pictures long and hard. But I couldn’t see the boy I saw 10 years ago.

I was sad but relieved at the same time.

I was sad because I finally realized I was only holding on to what I remembered about him not him. Sad because I couldn’t have the "Happily Ever After". I hold on tight to that feeling because I was afraid. Afraid I would have nothing left and I would never be able to feel that way again. For 15 years he was a part of my life - in my thoughts, my dreams and my prayers. Now he is just my past.

I am relieved because I now know for certain. At the moment, I couldn’t imagine myself feel that way for anyone else but I am optimistic that it will happen. And when it does, I wish I would finally have my "Happily Ever After".

As for X, I am happy for him to see he is happy.
And I wish him all the happiness in the world.

X was my first and will always be but I hope he won’t be my last.

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