Wednesday, October 18, 2006

dinner with the boys

We hosted a charity break fast with an orphanage from Kota Belud last night. After the whole annoying and frustrating episode "Hey Coordinator, why don’t you know how to do it", the whole night went well. Personally I think the children could enjoy themselves more if these people put some thought into their plan.

Anyway, when they arrived and got down from the bus, we were surprised to see all of them were boys. Hee. An information they (our hotel organizing team) forgot to tell us. It was embarrassing especially when one of us asked one of the boys where are all the girls. *LOL* Why didn’t she figure it out?

They looked as if someone had forced them to attend the function. Hee. The younger ones looked tired and sleepy from the 11/2-hour journey they took to get to the hotel. My boss and I sitting on the same table tried breaking the ice by asking them questions but most of them looked at us like we had just lost our mind. I bet some of them wish they were in a different table. I then tried the make-a-joke approach. Apparently, it only works on certain people. But I am so not going to give up. Hey, kids love me. I got a reputation to look after.

Me: Jangan takut bah. Saya tidak makan orang / Don’t worry I don’t eat small children.
Boy: …
Me: Kau lapar sudah?
Boy: …
Me to my boss: Err, no response from this one.
Me: Berapa umur kau? /How old are you?
Boy: …
Me: Bah, tidak apa lah. Nanti ko minum ni air bandung, tidak pandai berhenti kau bercakap nanti. Jaga. Habislah kau nanti bercakap saja. Saya tidak mau layan oh / It’s okay but once you drink the syrup, you won’t be able to stop talking and by then I am not going to talk to you.
Boy: (He gave me a half a smile)

Oh well, it was a good sign. I am also proud to say that our table is the most loud and fun table. We laughed and talked and other kids from other tables were looking at us wishing they were with us instead. I am pretty sure of that. Hee.

Two eight year olds captured my heart last night. Iqmal & Hafiz. Though they were shy and you could hardly hear them mumbling at first, but towards the end of the night, their true energetic and cheeky personality begin to show. It’s a shame they had to leave already by then.

I realized/learned that there are so many things in life I take for granted. Broccoli - these kids never seen/hear or tasted broccoli before. Brown sugar – One boy don’t understand why after three packets of brown sugar the coffee is still bitter and they were fascinated with the color when my boss pour it onto a plate for them to see. Chicken broth – Ikmal loves it so much, he had three bowls and left his main dish untouched. Desserts – I bet this is their favorite part of the menu. They were drooling over the chocolate cakes and the mini grape muffin thingy and kept stuffing their already full mouth until the entire desert disappeared.

They entertained us more than we entertained them. I pray that each of them will lead a good life. Though I may never see them again, I will always remember them as the boys who thought we dyed the cauliflower green.

the delayed post

Am I really a bad mother?
My mom seems to think I am. Now my grandma probably think I am too. *sigh* She left for her China trip this morning. Her reminder of things to do and not to do, and about Ekiel before she left somewhat pisses me off especially when it is done in front of my grandma whom I know thinks I am a complete failure/embarrassment to the family.

"Don’t oversleep" "Make sure Ekiel wears warm clothes when it is raining" "Make sure you take care of him" "I feel so guilty leaving him now" I know she meant well, I keep telling myself that. It still hurt to think she thinks I am not capable of taking care of my own child and I do not care/love my son as much as her. *sigh* Maybe I am over emotional. I think it is sad that my mom (or anyone) underestimate my love for Ekiel.
Oh please give me the patience and the strength to hold on.

I called my brother to check on Ekiel and he told me he didn’t give Ekiel his bottle because Ekiel did not ask for it. WTF? My son had his last bottle at 7.30 this morning! I told my brother to feed Ekiel around 11am-nish. My mom is so going to tell everyone I starve her grandson even though it is not my fault. She will say a good mother will think/remember her kids even when she is busy saving the world. *sigh*

Please, please give me extra extra doses of patience. And I could use some now.

It’s Friday but my morning was a little shitty. Already a little upset with the above incident, she has to agitate me too. *banging head on the wall* She can say whatever she want because I just don’t care anymore, not that I can do anything about it. It is so very the obvious she is the one with the problem. She claims she is the victim. *rolls eyes* Many others are having problem working with her. Obviously the owners of the butt she kisses has no complains *rolls eyes* I SO HATE the double standard. I wish I could make her disappear whenever she is having one of her moods. She isn’t that bad really, it’s just when she is in her b**** mode she is a pain in my butt.

When I got home, the house was in a mess and the dishes in the sink were full. *banging head on wall* I don’t understand why no one is bothered with all the clutter. If I could, I would have grabbed my son and run out of there as fast as I could. But Noooo… I actually wash all the dishes and made my younger sister to clean up the living room mess – all she did was move the mess from the floor to the table/sofa. *tsk tsk tsk* Before, when I tried to teach Ekiel to put away his toys properly, my mom/sisters laughed at me. Now he is more stubborn than before and putting away his toys is not in his to-do list. Never will.

I am feeling much better today. I had a good sleep and a normal dream. Normal because the dream I had the night before was SCARY.

It started with me and my sister going in a shop looking for something I cannot remember. In the shop I met some friends whom I have not met in a very long time. Then I remember wanting to go to a shopping complex and there were a few drug addicts hanging around the side door entrance area. So I walked past them as quickly when one of them started to chase after me. I tried to run when I suddenly realize that I was in a car.
I didn’t see the guy’s face but in my heart I know this guy and I was somewhat afraid of him – let’s call him PDS (Psychotic Driving Stranger). So, we were driving through a housing area. It suddenly hit me that PDS was taking me to his house and I do not want that. So I told him, well it was more screaming, "I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE DAMNIT. IF YOU MAKE ME I AM GOING TO JUMP OUT OF THE CAR." And to stress that point, I opened the car door (which I will SO not do in reality). PDS tried to close the door back and driving the same time when he almost hit something. He slowed down the car and that’s when I took the opportunity to run away. So I ran towards this alley and PDS was screaming demanding I go back (– why would I be so stupid to go back to him) and he drove his car away. I knew he was going to wait for me the end of that alley, so I ran towards the opposite direction. Am I smart or what?

The funny thing is, while I was running away from PDS, I realized I was running with no shoes on. What happened to my shoes? I was like "Where the f*** is my shoes?" "Damnit." But I keep on running anyway because running barefooted isn’t as bad as going back to PDS’ house. So I was running and running until I reach a gated area. I didn’t know what to do when suddenly a lady with a kid came out of no where with the keys to the gate. I remember it was a very shinning silver key. She unlocked the gate and I followed her home. I remember locking her front door and I felt really safe. That’s when I woke up.

When my mom came back from China, she managed to criticize and piss me off three times within less than ten hours and I was sleeping six out of that ten hours. *sigh* Before she knew what’s going on/what happened, she already criticize me in front of my other relatives. I know she loves all of us the same, but there are times when I wonder why is she attacking me all the time. Even when she is upset with my sister she let it out on me. If I could I would have just packed our stuff and move out. IF only it is that easy. *sigh*

I know I am not the daughter everyone wants to have. Only God knows how much grief I have given her. If I could, I would change all that. I really do. Now, I am just so tired making sure everyone is happy.

I need a good hug.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Aunt Mary

I do not know how to deal with death. The not knowing what to expect after you die and the thought of not being with my loved ones scares the shit out of me.

When I was hospitalized for broken leg years ago, a young child in the children ward died. I could still remember the crying, the screaming and the small lifeless body wrapped with a sarong carried out of the ward by the father. I still shudder when I think about it. I slept with my parents for two months before they make me move back to my room. I was ten years old and I was so afraid to die. Even now, when I “accidentally” think about it, I still couldn’t handle it.

My dad’s eldest sister, Aunt Mary, is single and living with my other unmarried (Aunt Daisy) & widowed (Aunt Jacinta) aunts. It all started two Fridays ago with a call from my sister while I was doing my grocery shopping with my mom. Aunt Mary nearly past out and Aunt Daisy called asking my dad to send her to the hospital as none of them knew how to drive. So, we went to see her but she refused to go to the hospital. Aunt Mary is suffering from psychological problem. It started 17 years ago and it happened so sudden that most people suspect it has to do with black magic. She kept herself away from everyone soon after as she can be difficult when she wants to and that night was one of those nights.

Last Sunday, I took Ekiel to visit them. I didn’t see Aunt Mary because she was resting in her room. I asked Aunt Daisy how was Aunt Mary doing and she said she is fine. We thought it was just some virus. Later, 1am, Aunt Daisy called my dad again. She said Aunt Mary is weak and pale. My dad and my sister went over and she refused to go to the hospital and even scolded the doctor who came to see her. My dad and sister came home when Aunt Mary says she is feeling better and wants to go to sleep.

5.30am, another call from Aunt Daisy. Aunty Mary is sick again. My dad was about to leave when Aunt Mary called saying it was false alarm. My dad then sends my brother to school as usual when Aunt Daisy called again. She said Aunt Mary is not doing very well and could leave us anytime soon. Later she called to say she thinks Aunt Mary is gone. My sister picked up the call. When she told me, I literally jumped off the bed. I mean, she was doing okay yesterday, and now she’s gone? I didn’t know how to tell my dad. I didn’t know what to feel.

I remember Aunt Mary as the kind aunty who always makes me and my sister fashionable clothes (she’s a seamstress), gives us pocket money and buys us KFC which was a treat for us. After she gotten “sick”, I hardly see her and even when I do, it’s usually just “Hello Aunty” and that’s that.

When my dad got home, I told him about Aunt Daisy’s last call. I knew my dad was upset because he was laughing nervously saying he couldn’t carry Aunt Mary to bring her to the hospital. That’s his way to cover his feeling. So I offered to go with him because I felt it was somewhat my responsibility to be there.

I tried to think of what to say to my dad when we were in the car. I was still trying to figure out how to feel so I kept my mouth shut. I admit I was a little scared because I didn’t know what to expect. So I say a silent prayer that everything will be okay.

When we got there, the whole place was quiet. My Aunt Mary’s body lay lifeless on a mat. She died in her sleep. I still didn’t know what to do. My dad wanted to bring the body to the hospital. When their relatives came, my dad was told to go make a police report instead.

I followed my dad to make the police report. I thought I could make myself useful like filling in a form or something. When we reach the police station, the cleaner was cleaning the so-called report desk. The police just ignored us. He even had the nerve to check the 4D results in the newspaper. I wanted to slap him so bad. After what felt like forever, he told us to come back after 2pm to collect the official report. We went back to my aunts’ place. While waiting for the morgue’s van to pick the body up, my grand-aunty and aunties came. Suddenly my Aunt Daisy burst into tears. Then I saw my dad wiping his eyes.

Later that night, we (with my sister and brother) went to the morgue for prayers. We went to see my late Aunt Mary’s body that was placed in a glass coffin. It’s like nothing had happened and she was just sleeping peacefully. That night was also the first time I met my dad’s relatives. I didn’t even know they existed before. I thought it was just them and that’s it. It’s weird how Aunt Mary’s death brought us all together. Even their family friends whom they have not met for years were there.

The next day we gathered at the morgue again for some prayers. After they moved her body into the coffin, reality suddenly hits me. We will never see her again. Flashbacks of those happier times I spent with her came back to me. I was overcome with this huge sadness. I know she is in a better place now. She had suffered long enough. I was just sorry that her life wasn’t an easy one. I felt bad I didn’t make the effort to spend time with her after she has gotten “sick” because I was afraid. I could have done so much and now it is too late.

I pray for her soul and that she may forgive me for the things I’ve done and haven’t done. May she rest in peace with God in heaven. We will miss you...

Buah Buah Malaysia

Tarap. Langsat. Rambutan. The durian "vanished" before I could take some picture.

Friday, October 06, 2006

I don't remember when I started writing this entry

A storm is brewing outside. <- Err, I am not sure if this is the correct terminology. *whistle*
It’s like watching National Geographic on a kick arse giant TV screen. I wonder if the wind could literally blow my skinny friends off the ground like in the cartoons. *thinking* I bet it could.

I wish I wish the government would announce 23 Oct as a public holiday *keeping whatever I can cross crossed* I’d get to save my annual leave for something else. Oh please make me a happy woman. Hopefully I get to balik kampung and shamelessly pick fruits from my grandma’s fruit orchard just like how they describe it. I was never around during the fruit season and I haven’t been back to my grandma’s place for 14 years. There is ALWAYS an excuse. I will try my very best to go back this year. Partly because my mom is worried my grandma thinks we don’t love her anymore and because I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO. It is more about the latter.

I’ve been having weird + sentimental dreams for the past few days. *sigh* The only socializing I do. *lalala* I do miss having someone BUT. Oh well.


They did announce 23 Oct as a public holiday but it is ONLY FOR THE GOVERNMENT SERVANTS. Wtf? Can they do that? Can they? *sigh* I also heard a rumor that the management may make us work Saturday and replace the public holiday on Monday. *hmm* I guess if I were to look at it from a somewhat positive angle, I only have to work half a day instead of the whole day. Not too bad if you ask me. I’ve learned to make the best of out the circumstances and move on. Please let the rumor be true…

*yawns* I am so damn sleepy. I could not sleep last night so I played Midnight Pool on my mobile. I think I slept after 1am. Then 5am, I had to wake up to give Ekiel his medication. Medication time is never easy. Then he wanted my mom, so I tried going back to sleep. Around 7am, I asked my sister if she is taking the bus to work and she is. So I took my time to get ready for work. Around 8am, my mom told me to hurry it up because there were no buses and my sister needs a ride to work because she starts work at 8.30am. *sigh* I had to skip half of my morning rituals and that includes coffee. No wonder I am so "bleargh".

It’s after lunch and I still feel "bleargh". I just want to go home and hang out with my son. He is so much fun to be with compared to some of these people. He is learning to talk and it is cute how he tries to imitate whatever you say. We sang the McD’s theme song yesterday on our way home. He only did the ending bit – "pappa". Hee. Last night we went to see the doc for his diarrhea. He was walking around like he owns the clinic. For the first time, he actually let the nurse take his temperature. When he saw me taking his medicine, he said "Ooh Oh" and quickly covers his mouth. The nurse laughed at him. Adorable huh? Well the nurse did not see him screaming for his life when I fed him the medicine ten minutes later! Even my cousin was stunned to see my mom and I grabbing Ekiel and forcing the medication down his throat. It is for Ekiel’s own good. He has mild asthma and he needs his medication. *sigh* If you’re in the neighborhood and you hear wailing, crying and screaming (Ekiel & mine), don’t be alarmed. That would be just me trying to feed Ekiel his medication.

I had a pretty interesting conversation about "life’s privileges" during lunch just now. Honestly, I admit I was taken aback with what I heard. Though I believe everyone is entitled to his or her personal opinion, I never imagine that coming from them. I do not and will not judge them based on what they think for they are one of the nicest bunch of people I know.

I cannot explain why I think the way I think or why I am the way I am. It’s like asking The King of Pop why is he so weird. Err... something like that larr. I am not saying I am perfect because we all know I am not. *rolls eyes* I’m just saying we are so different, sometimes I wonder if I belong in their "world". Sometimes I wonder what will happen once they discover what I really think or how I really feel. *Errk* It is difficult to pretend certain labels/words/action doesn’t hurt me, but I am so numb, most times I forgot how to feel. Experiences taught me by keeping my mouth shut I will never hurt anyone and life would be so much easier. I don’t know how. It just works that way.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sino what?

Spoilt. Pampered. Disrespectful. A pain in the arse. Arrogant.
Kids today. They think they understand/know life. HA.

I know life is shitty. Been there, done that. I am pretty sure I have gone through a more horrifying experience but I do not use it an excuse to be a brat. *sigh* I do try my best not to get involve, but there is such a thing as TOO MUCH. In my head, I am kicking & shaking some sense into her and scream "THE WORLD IS BIGGER THAN YOU THINK AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, DAMNIT." I still don’t understand why my mom/dad tolerates it. If I were to retaliate like that those days, I would surely get a good beating. Oh please don’t let Ekiel be like that when he is in his teens.

The creative writing class was okay. It wasn’t as bad as I imagine it to be. The so-called lecturer is a funnyman with a colorful personality. We had to read our writing for the whole class to hear and I was shaking with nervousness. Yes, I was really shaking and my heart was beating so fast, I thought it would run into hiding. It was really a shame considering there were only five of us in the class, including the so-called lecturer. *tsk tsk tsk* I can never get over my fear of public speaking. If I were more confident of myself, I would become a social activist fighting the rights for those in need. Again, "if I were larr."

Last night my grandparents came over with loads and loads of fruits. *yummy* They’re here for the China trip. I admit I am much more interested in the fruits then them *whistle* but hey, I am not the only one kay. The rambutans are so juicy, the durians were heavenly, the tarap (a local fruit) was just nice and the langsat were a little sour but still good. My uncle and grandma was telling me about the fruit orchard and being the town girl I am, I was actually fascinated with the durian eating dogs and the langsat/mangosteen eating bats/birds. Have you ever heard a dog eating durians and actually spit the seed out? How cool is that? They also made fun of my little knowledge of the Kadazan/kampung terms. "Kayang-kayang" is not a net but a scarecrow the kampung version and "tutu" means to dab. *sigh* Who am I? I don’t even know what I am anymore.

So my dad is pure Chinese and his parents did came all the way from China. Which part? I am not sure. What I know is my grandfather came to Borneo to work and went back to China to marry my grandmother and *ta-daa* I have my dad, one uncle and three aunties. I know my grandparent is Buddhist but my dad converted to Christianity somewhere along his life. My mom’s father is a Sungai and her mother is Chinese but they labeled themselves as Sungai (a native fr Sandakan). So, my mom and her whole family converted to Christianity when my mom married my dad.

Since my mom only speaks Malay, that is the common language at home until we started schooling. I went to a Chinese kindergarten but I hated the subject because no one at home could help me with my Chinese homework (my dad don’t read or write Chinese). When I was given the option to choose which primary school I want to go, I chose St. Francis Convent primary school and my mom insist we learn English. From then, my dad talks to my sister and I in English. I remember my dad made me read the dictionary!

Since both my parents are devout Christians, we do not practice any of the Chinese or Sungai culture. I think even my parents are clueless when it comes to tradition besides the typical old wives’ tale. I think it is a shame. Maybe I should make it a point to find out more and practice the "good" ones. I mean it is a part of me kan? Like my Chinese name. Hee. It has become nuisance when people tell/ask me why I don’t speak Chinese and I am an embarrassment to the Chinese community. Yes, I have people telling me that. I keep reminding myself it is not a big deal because I am not pure Chinese, nor do I look like one and yet I could still hold my chopsticks properly! HA. Before you go accusing me being a racist, I love the Chinese side of me and I love my Chinese friends. I don’t even mind when they started yak-ing away in Chinese. I just wish other people would not make it a big deal for me being "a clueless Chinese".

I don’t even know anything about the Sungai side of my except it is similar like the Kadazan culture, they live by the sea/river (that explains the name) and I love love love the "Marang" (a dish made from the red durians). That’s it. *whistle* Do not forget that this is the bit of me that qualifies me for the Bumiputra perks.

The only time my ethnicity matter is when I need to fill up an application form. Most time I don’t even remember what I am. *ahaks* All I know I just need to be what I need to be.

It doesn’t feel like the Puasa month. I miss those Pasar Ramadhan in KL where there are so many options most time you ended buying the same thing because you couldn’t decide. I also miss breaking fast with my friends whom I think are breaking fast together at one of my favorite Thai restaurant. I am definitely going to miss my friends’ open house. *sob sob* All those rendang…