Wednesday, June 27, 2007

my first romance

I found my first "love" when I was 14 years old. I first saw him (let's call him X) riding on a school van and *bam* I was in love. He was so good looking, I was so sure I wasn’t his type besides he was dating a junior from my school.

Those days, I was a little mischievous (still am really). My friends and I have this WEIRD habit of making prank calls to a bunch of popular boys from an all-boy school nearby. It was fun especially when most of those boys are disgustingly OVER confident about their charms

Me: You have so many admirers from my school and we all think you’re so cute!
Boy: I know.
Me: I like men who are confident of themselves (OMG. Yuck.).

Anyway, he wasn’t anything like the rest of them. In fact I found him refreshingly sweet and down to earth. We ended up talking and soon became friends. He never asked who I really am. He just accepted me as what I told him. We spoke on the phone every Saturday for four years. We shared our dreams and fears and talked about everything. I cannot help but to fall for him big time. Unfortunately within that four years he was seeing someone else.

For our 18th birthday, I asked him what he wanted as a gift. He said he wanted to know who I really am. My worst nightmare then would be losing him when he knows who I really am. He maybe recognized my name but we were not friends or hang out with the same crowd. I refused. After a while, he managed to convince me and so I told him. You have no idea how relieved I was when he was cool about it and said, "Hey, I know you."

One day, I went to a shopping mall with a friend of mine. We were walking around while waiting for the rest of our girlfriends to so-called celebrate my birthday. My friend asked me what would I do if X suddenly show up in front of me. I told her I don’t know. She keeps on bugging me with that question, I got fed up, stopped walking and told her I would bolt out of there so fast I would be gone before she realized it.

And exactly at that moment, X appeared out of nowhere, standing next to my friend and asked her "Are you Clara’s friend?" while looking at me. I was so surprised and shy I couldn’t move. I just stood there and watched my friend dragged X away. All I remembered I stood there like an idiot and then I started to laugh and cry at the same time.

My friend came back and explained that it was supposed to be my birthday surprise but he screwed it up by coming late. She then told me he wanted to see me and asked if I was up for it. I agreed but I went and bought him a present first. I know it was so... but I wanted him to have something for his birthday. Besides, I’ve always sent him birthday cards through some friends.

I don’t remember what we talked about but the meeting was short because I felt like an idiot. I was so nervous I didn’t know what to say and most of the time I just gawked at him. He was nice enough not to run away and move to a different country.

Then I left for KL. We lost contact for a while due to schedule and it was expansive to call him. One day, while I was at a bowling alley with some friends, my sister and friend came running to me and say "He’s here! He’s here!" Without thinking I ran out while wearing the bowling shoes just to see him with my own eyes. *hangs head in shame* So very the desperate huh?

He was in KL to study for a few months. One day I invited him out, yes I asked him out. We went to a movie and dinner. He even walked me home although he was living about 15 minutes away from me. I was on cloud nine BUT I knew we would never be together because I have changed so much within that one year.

Somewhere in the conversation, he hinted that he was going back home soon and hated KL life while I was so sure I would never go home for good. Well, that obviously didn’t happen. He said he wanted to settle down while I was enjoying my life. So we parted and moved on with our lives. I was sad but I was distracted with other things that were going on in my life then.

Honestly, I’ve never stopped thinking about him. I "used" to compare my exes because I never felt that same feeling I have for him with other people. I managed to get his number and I used all the courage I have to text messaged him. I invited him out for coffee when I came back for holidays but he never replied after I told him I am only home for a visit.

A friend of mine told me he was getting married so I stopped trying. It broke my heart but I accepted the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. I still couldn’t get over him no matter what I did. It was crazy but that is the truth. When I hear his name, my heart would start racing so fast and the butterflies in my stomach would go crazy.

Recently, I accidentally found his profile in one of those sites. After ten years, I finally saw him, well his pictures anyway. I was excited. The butterflies flew for a while. I looked at his pictures long and hard. But I couldn’t see the boy I saw 10 years ago.

I was sad but relieved at the same time.

I was sad because I finally realized I was only holding on to what I remembered about him not him. Sad because I couldn’t have the "Happily Ever After". I hold on tight to that feeling because I was afraid. Afraid I would have nothing left and I would never be able to feel that way again. For 15 years he was a part of my life - in my thoughts, my dreams and my prayers. Now he is just my past.

I am relieved because I now know for certain. At the moment, I couldn’t imagine myself feel that way for anyone else but I am optimistic that it will happen. And when it does, I wish I would finally have my "Happily Ever After".

As for X, I am happy for him to see he is happy.
And I wish him all the happiness in the world.

X was my first and will always be but I hope he won’t be my last.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

No J

I couldn’t believe I screwed up the press release.
It wasn’t really a big thing but unfortunately without that particular alphabet, the Datuk name would mean something else and that would create a very embarrassing situation for the Datuk. I should have been more careful especially when I know I wasn’t focussing at all that day. Late night and fatigue. The error was done and I can’t do anything else except take full responsibility for my carelessness.

And I thought I managed to save the day when I realized I’ve forgotten to add in the venue of the event after sending the press release out but managed to resent it again on time. *bangs head on wall*

My colleague said we are only humans and we make mistake. But I know without that one alphabet, my life would be almost hell for the next few days. Thank goodness I will be on leave Friday & Saturday. People are waiting for me to screw up and I am sure they are now doing their victory dance. I feel sad and shitty. Could use a good hug now. *sigh*

Why is it when you feel bad about something, all the other bad/sad feeling comes rushing back to you?
I just want to go home and dream of good things.

oh what a night

I say the party went pretty well.

That Saturday morning was crazy. I was on the road from 9am to 4pm going all around Penampang area to get the necessary. I assure you the plan was simple. BUT we had to do last minute change because my parents decided to go to the same supermarket to do groceries. It wasn’t so bad except that there is no store in KK that sells everything we need. We had to go to 7 different places to get everything in our grocery list. SEVEN! *rolls eyes*

When we finally got everything, everyone (almost) pitched in to help and by 7.30pm everything was all set (except for some guests who have no concept of time). To us that is a record. The whole decor and menu didn’t go as plan, but I was happy enough to see everything was done before my parents arrived so I kept my mouth shut.

A very short recap.
- My fifth brother wasn’t so successful in convincing my dad to go the evening mass (so he could drive straight to my aunt’s place after the service) so he panicked. We had no choice but to tell the truth (half) to my dad. My dad happily agreed without realizing there was also a surprise for him. My mom told us that my dad gloated in front of her because he thought he knew. Hee.

- When my parents arrived, my mom got this puzzled look across her face. It took her quite a while before she realized what was going on. When she finally got it, she started crying and cried even more when she saw my grandparents who came all the way from Sandakan and my siblings who flew from Kuala Lumpur.

- We finally did the poco-poco but the *ahem ahem* older people wanted to karaoke so that dancing session didn’t last very long

- Those older people karaoke-d terribly

- My younger cousin, Lester who was already half drunk forced everyone (the other relatives) to drink. My 6th brother and my fifth brother’s friends got really drunk and were throwing up the rest of the night. For someone who doesn’t talk that much, Lester was really loud and chatty. His famous line for that night was "Teda bulu kaki ko ni" (you have no balls – it means more or less the same).

- The party ended around 2am. We managed to clean up my aunt’s place, my forth sister sent all the drunkards home while I watched my sixth brother puked his gut out. Hee.

The next occasion?
Our island trip.

Friday, June 22, 2007


One more day before the surprise party and my sister is freaking out.
I don’t blame her.
This is supposed to be THE party and it Must Must Must be perfect.
If I weren’t too caught up with work I would freak out too.

Everything that needs to be done is done.
We are now waiting for tomorrow to come and hopefully no one screws up the plan.
I am more concerned about the weather.
It has gone mad and has been raining every night for the past weeks.
PLEASE DON’T RAIN TOMORROW. *keeping my fingers crossed*

I am feeling a little sick today.
My throat hurts.

I asked a friend to truthfully enlighten me of certain situation.
His reply was blunt.
I admit I got all teary but he does have a point.
The saddest thing is, I already know all that.
But I was hoping no one else would notice.

The last thing I want is to think That Guy likes me when in fact he doesn’t. I am too old to be playing games like this. One side of me knows this is just a waste of my time and a heartache waiting to happen, but the other side wants to believe that someone is actually romantically interested in me.

Yes, I do need to feel special too.

I could think of many reasons why I am not anybody’s type. Although it is mostly physical and many people would try to assure me, it’s the inside that counts, I am still not convinced that romance was ever meant for me.
I always let the nice ones go and cling on to those who breaks me heart. I try too hard when it wasn’t worth it and I gave up when I should have work it out. I am great at giving advices on relationship but I stink at it.

Truth is, I don’t know how to handle all this romance business. Unlike many other women, I wouldn’t know if a guy likes me. When a guy calls me, to me it’s just a phone call not a declaration of love. It always amazes (amuses) me when someone tells me a guy/girl is interested in them just because he/she was looking at them a little too long or he/she tries/want to talk to them regularly. To me, that doesn’t make any sense.

I admit there were times when I thought of the same thing to but clearly I was wrong. Even when a guy wrote to me "I Love You" I was wrong too. Even if a guy tells me he likes me I would wonder if it is just a big joke or did he and his friends made a bet on me. How can I not but be overly conscious about all this?

Experiences, mine and others, taught me to be careful with my heart.
But these days, with my emotions running all over the place, I don’t even trust myself anymore.

Though some may not agree but I say don’t play games you can’t win.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

what a week

I finally did Ekiel’s birthday celebration. My grandparents were in town last weekend and we organized a pre Father’s Day dinner for all the dads. With all my little cousins it was pretty much like a children’s party anyway so I bought a cake and party packs for all the kids.

I think someone must have been secretly feeding Ekiel with sugar. That night he was Super Ekiel; unstoppable, unbeatable and loud. Nothing can make him sit/stand still for a whole minute! I didn’t want Ekiel to suffer major injuries while he go terrorize the whole house so I tried to run after him while I sniff, sneeze and scratch the whole night. After a while I stopped trying. Thank goodness my other family members were trained to keep an eye on the children as they go in and out of our view. It’s a family thing. I know Ekiel was excited to see everyone but with my allergy acting up from the cleanup that afternoon, I wish he would just listen and do as he is told. *rolls eyes*

When he saw me brought the cake out, he quickly took his place in front of the cake and started singing to himself. Hee. My brother made everyone sing the birthday song five times before I put a stop to it. Every time Ekiel knew the song was ending, he would take one deep breath but when he realized everyone was singing the birthday song again, he joined in singing but you could see the confusion on his face. My poor boy. When he finally got to blow the candles out, he took the plastic knife, cut the cake and clapped his hands. I cannot believe how much he has grown since his last birthday.

My friends are right. I need to value the time I have with him now before he becomes embarrassed to be seen with me in public.

On a different story. The Girly Director finally tendered her resignation. I guess if I were in her shoes, I would have done the same. This is a fight not worth fighting. With the dog eat dog world, we must learn to pick our fight well.

When I saw the satisfied look on Wuss’ faces after her announcement, I wanted to punch his ugly face. To be honest, I was a little worried that Wuss would get the promotion, but when I think hard about it, no one in his right mind would make Wuss the Director. He doesn’t have what it takes.

I don’t know what Wuss’ problem is, but he is stepping on my toes now. He is always finding fault and the saddest thing is all those idiots are sucking up to him. If he is upset that I am not taking his side, he should take comfort in the fact that I am in not in Girly Director’s side either. I am in neutral zone. Yes, I am sad to see that she is leaving under these circumstances but I believe she will achieve so much more outside this organization. And no, I don’t think the whole department would collapse without her.

I wish this craziness will end soon. I don’t know how much more I can take it. I am careful with everything I do but sometimes, I may overlook certain things and with these people, the smallest thing will be exaggerated. If only they put that much of effort in their work.

The planning/preparation for the surprise party for my parents are going rather well. What was supposed to be a small affair became something bigger and different from the other family gathering we had before. I just hope everything goes according to plan. PLEASE DON’T LET IT RAIN THAT NIGHT TOO.

*sigh* I haven’t seen That Guy for a while. When I saw him this afternoon, I could feel the butterflies are doing their double somersaults again. When Ms Slow told me That Guy always talked to her, I admit I was a little jealous. A little.

I want my happy ending but I cannot fool myself can’t I?
The last thing I need now is heartache. Not good.

I thought I was desperate but my colleague announced she needs a man and two kids. Heh? Suddenly I didn’t think I am such a sad case anymore.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Run for Fun, Health & Charity

The 7th Sutera Harbour 7K Sunset Charity Run 2007 is one of Sabah’s biggest annual community charity events being organized for the seventh consecutive year on Saturday, 7th July 2007 at the Sutera Harbour Marina & Country Club.

The 7K Sunset Charity Run is a fun, community-based fundraiser in which participants register to run a 7km route beginning and ending at Sutera Harbour Resort. Registration fees are RM20.00 per adult and RM10.00 per child/students, inclusive of a fun event T-shirt. Last year more than 7000 people registered for the Run and this year we are targeting 10,000 registrations.

There are no ‘winner’ prizes as such but all runners who complete the 7km route within 77 minutes will be entitled to win lucky draw prizes drawn at the much anticipated post-Run concert. In addition to the live entertainment, food and games stalls add to the festive carnival atmosphere, with proceeds of stall sales being split between the vendors and the 7K Charity Run beneficiaries.

The beneficiaries of this year’s Charity Run are Special Olympics Sabah and the Sabah Thalassaemia Society, non-profit organisations located in Kota Kinabalu. Special Olympics Sabah (SOS) provides year-round sports training and athletic competitions in a variety of Olympic-type sports for children and adults with mental retardation. Meanwhile, the Sabah Thalassaemia Society provides medical services to patients of Thalassaemia, an inherited blood disorder that requires regular blood transfusions and bone marrow transplants as treatment options.

As this is the 7th 7K Sunset Charity Run being held on 07/07/2007, this will be our most elaborate Run ever, involving not only local press and national radio station TraxxFM but also special celebrities running and performing at the post-Run concert.

So people, do come and support the 7K Run. You do not need to actually run, you could help simply by buying the T-Shirt, food coupons for the food stalls that day or cash donations in any of our donation boxes around the property.

Monday, June 18, 2007

wanna share a bad day? - Sat's entry

Having A Bad Day is contagious.
Before I could think of what to say next, sure enough my Having A Bad Day started.

When I started my job a year ago, I was terrified to see the storeroom. There were piles of unidentified boxes and collateral from the Jurassic Era. Why no one bothered to clean it up before? I don’t know. We’ve arranged many times to do it, but due to circumstances, it was always cancelled.

Yesterday, around 6.30pm, I received an email from The Dragoon. She dictated that a cleanup for the storeroom to be done today. I need to get 2 people from my department to join the cleanup. I was busy doing the amendments for the collateral yesterday, I’ve forgotten all about it until I came back to work this morning. When I remembered (isn’t it crazy that we could remember things just like that?) about it, I called Ms Cool to ask about the time. You see, The Dragoon didn’t put the time in her email. Ms Cool didn’t know either so she checked with The Dragoon. Apparently it was set at 12pm.

I have a function at 1.00pm. So I told Ms Slow I couldn’t make it. When The Dragoon found out she called me and started yelping at me. She was pissed off I didn’t tell her I won’t be joining for the cleanup. Obviously I am a very important person because they (8 of them) would not be able to do anything without me. *rolls eyes* I explained that I have a function. I didn’t know the cleanup was scheduled at 12.00pm that is why I didn’t inform her. But The Dragoon claimed she did put the time in. I refuted by saying, well it is not in the email and I got the time from Ms Cool. The Dragoon then said she doesn’t give a damn and she expects me to come after my function.

When The Dragoon yells at me, I of course, naturally started yelling at her too. It’s a natural reaction no? I am pissed off because there are 11 of us in the whole department. If I can’t make it, why can’t she get someone else to do it? Maybe it’s just me, but I feel she has something against me personally.

You know what else pisses me off? Them. They know what’s going on but no one bothered to volunteer to replace me for the function or the cleanup. When they are caught in situations like this, they shamelessly come to me and ask me to help them out. Bloody hell.

Friday, June 15, 2007

me no (role) model

I am no model material. I know that. Maybe there was a time very long ago when I thought modeling would be a fantastic job for me, BUT one look in the mirror I knew my modeling career is over even before it started. And I am okay with that.

This morning I found out I was assigned with another colleague to look for models for a photo shoot we are organizing. I was irritated because this wasn’t part of my job and I am overloaded with so many other things especially next week. Why the task was assigned to us (my colleague and I) is beyond me. But it wasn’t a big deal. I mean how difficult will it be to find people within the resort to model under the sun, in the middle of the sea for FREE? *rolls eyes*

Then I found out about a conversation between The Arse Kissing Wuss (Wuss) and The Gangsta Paradise I-AM-THE-ONLY Big Boss (Gangsta Paradise).
(To be fair, I heard about this from a third party. Accuracy is not guaranteed but this is more or less what happened)

Gangsta Paradise: Don’t tell me XX and Clara are the models.
Wuss: No larr, I got better taste than that.
Gangsta Paradise + Wuss: Hahahaha
S&M Dept: Hahahaha

My other colleague told me what happened while Wuss was telling me to read the instruction he emailed. Before my colleague could finish, Wuss said it wasn’t a big deal. I insisted my colleague to finish her sentence but Wuss left before I could hear what happened. I would have verbally attacked Wuss because I was seriously pissed off and my heart was beating so fast I knew I would lose my cool. Lucky for Wuss who is indeed a wuss for running out of here before I transformed into Incredible Hulk.

Call me sensitive but that hurt.
Especially when I am already feeling very shitty about myself.

People mistook my silence as stupidity and weakness.

All my comments, remarks and concerns are not baseless. It is already proven that I do have a point but no one gives a damn about it. They preach about ownership and yet they blindly make decisions/take actions that are wasting our resources. Fyi, I am not saying I am perfect or the best employee in the resort because I am not. All I’m saying is hear what the rest of us the ikan bilis (anchovies – a term used to stress the insignificant of a person. Why anchovies? Because they’re small compared to the other fishes) have to say because we are the ones who are doing the work while the rest just know how to point their fingers and give useless instructions.

Like I said before, just because we’re at the bottom of the company hierarchy it doesn’t mean we’re stupid or incapable. Sometimes it’s circumstantial. Sometimes it’s preference. I had no choice but to accept a Coordinator position because I do not have hotel experience. It’s fair. But I do know a few things about advertising, media, advertising fees, etc from my previous job. At least I know more than some of them and I am still keeping in touch about the advertising industry through friends. So why they don’t take advantage of this is a mystery to me.

I also know of two waiters at the hotel with university degrees in business and law. They started as part timers because they desperately needed a job (it is not easy to look for a job here) after they graduated and they fell in love with their job so they decided to do it permanently.

Now, I am not making it up because the information about them having a degree is from HR. And I myself also do not understand why anyone would want to waste their degree like that. I’ve waited tables before and I only lasted for a day because it was CRAZY. But this is their life and their decision and they also have my utmost respect. Most graduates would not even imagine themselves waiting table for a living. But I guess they are better than those who have nothing but brag about their non-existent greatness.

Why are some people so status crazy?
When I imagine the responsibility of a boss, I get nervous. Of course the pay is excellent but is the headache, long hour, hard work, politic and pressure of the future of the company/department on your shoulder really worth it?
I don’t think so.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Mean Me

Someone told me that when you’re sick, your body is trying to tell you to slow down. The body should tell my boss that because I already know I need a break. No point nagging at me if my boss keeps dumping me with work. It’s not like I am given a choice to say no to any their ridiculous requests. So here I am, in pain, trying to look like I care about my job and am forced to listen/watch these people playing "boss" because he feels he’ll make a better boss than our current director. He.Will.Never.Be.As.Good.As.The.Current.Director. He’s also a wuss for declaring war while the director is on a holiday. Of course I will never tell him that because if I do, he will stab me with Rambo knives not only on my back but also from every possible angle. And I am a pretty big target.


As my friend shares her very busy social life and her strings of admirers, I caught myself thinking, "She ain’t that great and she still have men falling at her feet. What the hell is wrong with me?" *hangs head in shame* I know it was a mean thing to say, but it was a very spontaneous reaction. Honest.

She is a lovely girl, fyi. And I AM very happy for her.

I am not going to make any excuse for my behavior. I am already embarrassed enough even if I didn’t say it out loud.

I am usually very nice.
I swear.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

determination is a good thing but...

Wedding bells are ringing a little loud these days.
Congratulations to all the newly wed.
*sighs dreamily*
I am VERY happy for all of you.
I do.

I am so thirsty and no matter how much water I drink, I still cannot satisfy this thirst.
It’s driving me nuts!
The craziest thing is, I need to go to the washroom like every 30 minutes.
People might start to think I have a bladder problem.
That or I have this new weird obsession with washrooms!
They already think I am strange.

I still haven’t done my Ekiel’s 2nd birthday celebration.
I know. I know.
I swear I’m not being a mean or cheapskate mommy but I just haven’t found the time to have the party.
Everyone wants to be there but everyone has a different schedule. Sometimes I wonder if the party is really for my son or is it for them.

Anyway, I am sure Ekiel won’t know the difference.
Not yet anyway.At the moment, he is content blowing out pretend birthday candles on a pretend birthday cake.
I call it practicing for the big day.
I am very happy to see he is already using his imagination and creativity.

Ekiel is a darling but I admit there are times when I wish he wouldn’t be so determined and stubborn.
I know determination is a good thing but I wish he wouldn’t use it on me or try my patience.

Imagine him crying/screaming at the top of his lung (no joke!) at 1am because he doesn’t to go to sleep, he saw me dozing off (I was REALLY tired/sleep) and he wanted me to bring him down to the living room.
I tried soothing, bribing and scolding. None of it worked.
I lost my cool and I hit him (lightly – I swear!) on his hand.
He retaliated by screaming louder.
Other people would think I was abusing him.
I didn’t know what to do.
My mom tried to console him and that didn’t work too.
So I let him cry.

He cried. And he cried.
After five minutes, I tried to console him again.
He refused to even let me touch him.
It was frustrating.
I had to remind myself he is just a baby and I really need to do something about his stubbornness before it goes out of control.
I tried again and he still refused.
I wasn’t going to let him continue his act.
So I hold him tightly.
He fought back.
I put him on top of me and hold him tighter.
I told him I love him very much but I will not put up with this behavior anymore.
I told him he need to give mommy a break tonight and he can act up tomorrow after mommy comes home from work and mommy promise to entertain all his fancies and whims.

That’s when I hear him snoring softly. I tried to put him on the bed but he started crying again.
So I let him sleep on top of me. It wasn’t comfortable but at least he’s sleeping.
This morning, when I woke up he was still sleeping peacefully like a little angel next to me.

I asked myself how a little boy like that can be so stubborn and demanding.
Though I was irritated last night, looking at him sleeping made me feel so warm and fuzzy.
The same feeling when I first saw him in the hospital.

I wonder if he remembers my promise to him last night?
I do love him very much but I don’t think I can take another long night of playing car racing or football if he does.
I am already having a headache from standing in the rain because we want to impress the biggest boss.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

a very long week

What do I like about myself?
My high level of patience.
Without it, I would be a very dangerous and psychotic woman.

What do I hate about myself?
My diplomacy.
I am dying to tell a number of people to kiss my huge arse.

When I was still young, hopeful and naive, I never imagined being an adult would be so difficult. Well, it’s not that hard really. It’s the people around us that make it difficult. Playing mind games & politics. These people really need to find a hobby.

I don’t understand the reason behind all this drama. I don’t understand how anyone could go to the big boss and declare that he and three others (whom he thinks supports him and his nonsense) are the only ones working, which of course is SO NOT TRUE, while the rest of us just a bunch of useless crap. Has he no shame? Obviously not.

All I do is listen to them and already I am having a migrane and gastric. Every time that back stabber opens his mouth my world would start spinning. Not in a good way.

How am I supposed to react under these circumstances?

Some people handled it fairly well while there are a few who took it personally. Me, I am keeping my mouth shut. I am disappointed and annoyed but I take it as another obstacle in life I have to deal with.

This too shall pass. Right?

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Thursday's ranting

What do you do when you don’t feel like going to work?

I am so tempted to call-in sick BUT I will be talking a three-day leave this month. I need to finish my work so I could go on leave in peace. *vomits blood*

I HATE handed over tasks. You don’t know the head or tail of the job and yet you’re expected to execute without fuss and difficulty. Do I look like the Fairy Odd Parents? I also absolutely HATE it when I am given a job that is already f***ed up and expect me to fix the problem. You know what else I hate? People who are involved in the task from the very beginning but hasn’t got a freakin’ clue about anything when you ask them the status of the job. And they go all teary and emotional because they feel pressured when they have given their heart and soul to the task and yet I accused them not doing their job. *bangs head on keyboard*

It’s silly isn’t it?

tuesday's entry today

Thank goodness it is Tuesday because I cannot handle another Monday. Unlike Garfield, Mondays doesn’t usually bother me that much. However, yesterday’s Monday was insane. Half of the day I was annoyed, the other half pissed off. Despite what I sometimes share *whistles* my day isn’t usually like that.

I still don’t understand why some people are a pain in the arse.
I also don’t understand why my life has to revolve around this people.

I don’t have enough patience to entertain these people anymore.
As I grow older, I am quick to lose my temper. I know I over reacted yesterday, but hey, I wasn’t being rude. I was merely suggesting what The Nosey Parker Irker wants – him to be in charge of EVERYTHING.
It’s bad enough having him interfering our work, but to exaggerate about problems that wasn’t a big deal but also make mistake after amending it was a little too much for me. The Nosey Parker Irker has been on our tail for the past months. He goes around saying my department is useless over idiotic things but he forgets about his own department who frequently screws up big time. *rolls eyes*

The pot calling the kettle black. But in this case, the kettle isn’t so black really. Hee.

At this very moment, I am so clueless I could kick myself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to think. Sometimes I even forget how to breathe. It’s ridiculous considering the amount of work I have to do, the people I have to entertain/please. There are times I ask myself, "What about me? What about what I want, what I need?" I know I sound selfish BUT really, all I am asking is some TLC. Just a little will do.

Oh well.

The other day.
Me: 23? Isn’t that a bit too young to get married? She should enjoy her life first then settled down.
Mom: That’s what people from the rural area do.
Me: But she’s not from the rural area. We are living in the city. What if she got married and later realized she is missing out a lot of things in life? She then starts to neglect the family and do her own things.
Mom: I got married when I was 19 years old and I had you when I was 20.
Me: We are talking about different era and circumstances. She’s like XX’s age. Imagine her getting married to her BF now.
Mom: How to wed if the guy is jobless?
Me: Well, XX can support him. Let her work while the BF becomes the househusband and takes care of the family.
Mom: I don’t like women who are too modernized for their own good. Men should be the provider. If a women provides for a men, she will become arrogant and forget her ultimate role as wife and mother.
Me: O-kay.

I didn’t realize all this time while I champion independent and competent women, while I struggle to be one, my mom thinks we are no good. I know my mom was upset with me and my circumstance because I accidentally read her testimonial she wrote for some church group. I just didn’t realize my decision to become a single mother instead of getting married because I didn’t think it was a solution would be a problem to her.

I learn something new everyday.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

My Icebreaker Speech

Not so long ago, I was convinced that I would live MY "Happily Ever After" by the time I celebrate my 29th birthday. My "Happily Ever After" does not end by me marrying prince charming, but it also include beautiful & intelligent children, priceless earthly possessions, vacations around the world, successful and rewarding career and me winning Wife & Mother of the year award for the second time. Of course when I finally celebrated my 29th birthday, I only had one reason to celebrate.

I am the eldest child. I have four younger sisters and three younger brothers. My dad, now retired, used to work with the government while my mom is a full time housewife. I guess with that many children, and only one source of income, money was limited. Family outing, vacations and toys were considered as luxury and unnecessary. To avoid the children from practically killing each other, my parents encouraged us, to read. Every weekend as a treat, my dad would send us, the older ones, to the public library in town thought I suspect my parents only wanted some peace and quiet time at home.

It wasn’t easy being the eldest child. My parents are always occupied with chores and the younger siblings so I had to fight really hard for their attention. Obviously I never won because when I throw tantrums, they will give me the whole speech about me being the eldest, I need to grow up and set good example to others. If I do something bad, I will only get scoldings or a date with Mr Belt or Ms Cloth Hanger depending the seriousness of my offense.

Enid Blyton taught me how to use what I think is the greatest toy ever which is my imagination. She introduced me to the world of fairy tales and made believe. She helped me to build my own little world where nothing matters except me.

Books became my secret and safe hiding place. When I am unhappy I would open a book and immediately I am in a different world living a different life. With all the fairy tales stories and "they lived happily ever after", it’s only natural for a girl like me to dream my own "happily ever after".

Then in my adolescent years I found my second inspiration in life. The venue St Francis Convent Secondary School. The group responsible was The New Kids On The Block. After they beg me not to go, promise to love me forever, taught me bout hangin tough and to always have the right stuff; music has become a great influence in my life. My friends and I would exchange lyrics we painfully transcribe ourselves. Play cassette. Listen. Write. Rewind. Repeat Process. In fact, I was so into music, I had to perform in every school function. There was that period when I wanted to be a popstar but that version of happily ever after gave up and retired to the Land of What Ifs.

You must be wondering how did music shaped my presentiment. It’s the lyrics. The promises of true love and happily ever after. Songs about dreams coming true. It made me believe even more.

Personally, music to me is a souvenir of significant occasions and clips of people who are special to me. It also helps me to escape reality by shutting the outside world with Linkin Park singing my feelings that I cannot express. Sometimes I will also pretend I am J’Lo although I know I am more like jelly. When my esteem is down, I will sing my theme song and I would feel a lot better. I recommend everyone to get a theme song of their own. It is very therapeutic.

I walked into adulthood across the sea. The South China Sea. It was an entirely different world for me. I also learned that life isn’t always what it seems to be and is it definitely not what you want it to be. When I had to quit college, I only allowed myself a week of self-pity. The world would not stop just because my dream had to take a short break. Other people had bigger obstacles and yet they all manage to do just fine. So I counted my blessing and got my first job in advertising.

I was fortunate to have a job that opened a whole new world to me. I have met a lot of people and got involved with many projects that I never even imagine doing. It was then when I learn about people and their characters. I learned what hypocrisy is but I also learn the meaning of true friends. I accepted what had happened and decide to use only the good experiences as my inspirations in life. It was at this stage in life I learn to listen not only with my head but also with my heart.

One day, I realized my life had changed again. I sat down. I read a particular book. I thought about those people who have done it. I think of their strength and courage. I listened to my theme song over and over. I made up my mind. With little planning, I crossed two fingers and hope things will work out fine and it did. I redefined my priorities. I eventually packed all my earthly possessions and moved in with my parents here in KK. It was tough. I was out of job for five months. People told me I was over qualified. It was funny because I thought with only my SPM I would be under qualified. One day I saw an ad for a vacancy in XXX. Without thinking much about it, I applied and I was offered a different position, but I accepted it because I needed the money. Now almost a year later, I am here doing my Ice Breaker speech. Advertising and Hotel are different but along the way I begin to love my job and I have been learning so many things.

Though life is not what I wish it would be, I am happy. There are countless real life Cinderella and rags to riches story. Nothing is impossible. My presentiment helped me to look forward to the future and to enjoy the simplest things in life. We all need motivations in life and this is why I will hold on to them for another 29 years.

By the way, if you wondering what is that one thing I have out of the list, he is my almost 2 year old son.