Sunday, September 30, 2007

the past week...

I envy those people who could twist other people’s words so they could get what they want. Now, I know it’s not a good thing, but if I can do the same, my life would surely be less complicated.

How can someone so beautiful and survived what she has gone through be so mean and rude? And why do I have to cross path with them so often?

I said “Shouldn’t be a problem but let me check with the management first.” Which part of that sentence that says, “Yes, it’s confirmed so please book your air ticket now”? *rolls eyes*

Last night, after I tucked my son to bed, I heard him breathing heavily. I thought he was having problem breathing. I went to check and I saw him looking at me sadly while trying his best to hold his tears. I asked him what’s wrong and he started sobbing and said “Mommy, sayang (love) me.” It breaks my heart to see my son asking me to love him like that.

I was busy and my mind/attention is elsewhere the past few weeks. I didn’t realize he feels neglected because he is always happy/laughing/mischievous/active so I assumed he is you know, happy. When I am at home, I will normally let him do whatever he wants to do while I’ll do my own thing. Sometimes I forget my life doesn’t revolve around me only anymore. *head hangs in shame*

This morning, he is the same old him. Loud and playful. Every morning we will have this ritual where my son will want to follow me to work, my dad or mom will do the chasing around bit, my son will then change his tactic by wanting to give me a goodbye kiss/hug me and when I give him one, he will not let go. Then one of the parents will have to tug him away and lastly when I finally get into the car, he will wave at me, give me a flying kiss and close the door.

I think this is some sort of a game to him.

In my previous entry, I mentioned about a colleague of mine who was devastated with her break-up with the BF. She went to the extreme by wanting to end her life because she couldn’t take the pain. She has a daughter but she thinks it’s okay to leave her daughter behind because the child’s father (btw, they’re divorced) would take care of her. I am shocked. I don’t know what other people think, but I find it’s stupid. Apparently she did took the pills in front of my other colleagues and now in the hospital still being very stupid.

So sad oh kan how some people are just selfish.
But I must not criticize other people. Who knows what I’ll do during my moment of weakness kan?

The funny thing is when my colleague tried to calm her by using me as an example “It’s not easy for her too. She’s a single mother like you but she enjoys her single life”. Her respond was “I’m not strong like her”. If she only knew what I feel/think sometime. Maybe I should get her to read my blog. *sticks tongue out*

But I must say this to all men.
If you’ve already dumped the girl, NEVER sleep with her again be it for good times sake kah, one for the road kah, or whatever idiotic reasons you can come up with. It’s NOT NICE. And if you did, NEVER tell people that you slept with her because she wanted it. Seriously? Have you no brain? *tsk tsk tsk*

When I got home yesterday, my son pretended he was a dog. He was on his knees, barking and pretended his hands were paws and used it to rub his face. You know, like a dog. He also rubbed his face on my legs. Hee. Sometimes I don’t know what is going on in that little head of his.

Monday, September 24, 2007

my break up

Doc: What makes it difficult? Is it the boy or the relationship?
Me: The boy definitely.

No, I wasn’t seeing a shrink or a counselor. I was with the Resort’s doctor after experiencing giddiness, itchy nose/throat/ears, difficulty to sleep and sharp pains in my tummy for the past few days. I also developed an allergy reaction to a necklace that I have been wearing for almost a month. The Doc said I am showing symptoms of the flu and prescribed me almost the whole pharmacy and rescheduled me to come back for a full check-up for another a personal matter.

This about to happen flu explains my cranky and moodiness for the past few days. Maybe I am naturally a b**** but this is what the Doc said. If you’re wondering the connection of the above question and my check-up, he was trying to find the source of my stress. Hee.

I watched The Break-Up last night. I don’t know why but the movie reminded me of one of my previous relationship. It didn’t happened exactly like the movie but it just brought back memories.

Gary was somewhat like X. I invested a lot of time and effort into the relationship but he just takes thing for granted. He was brought up that way but OMG, the world doesn’t revolve around him only right? I cannot remember what is it about him that made me stay that long but the last straw was when I waited for him at the movies for two hours! He then had the nerve to tell me to stop my sulking because he doesn’t like it. Fyi, I was very upset but I wasn’t sulking. I just didn’t say a word to him because if I do, it will only be an argument.

So the next day I told him to take a hike. Well, I emailed him actually. *whistles* I told him it will never work but let’s just stay as friends. A week later, he called me up and invited me out. As friends. So I agreed. I got a very rude surprise when he introduced his new girlfriend to me. I admit I was shocked, a little upset and pissed off when he keeps telling me his new three-day old girlfriend is a successful lawyer, more beautiful and a better girlfriend. Fyi, my loyal friends assured me I am far better than that girl. *LOL*

Anyway, after a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I dumped him but I still do care (at that moment) for that idiot. I lose my cool and broke down. He saw that I was upset and INSISTED that we talk. Like hello, you pull this kind of stunt and you still wanna talk? I told him to go away but he physically forced me to go with him. I started screaming and the next thing I know I went berserk. I went on and on about the things he did and didn’t do. Told him that my friends think he’s useless but I defended him because underneath all that laziness and irresponsibility, I see a man who can be anything he wants to be.

I also told him I am sorry I am not successful, beautiful and good enough for him. Though this was alcohol talking I still regretted for telling him that because that is so not true. Right? I mean, when I think about it later he was the one job-hopping and drunk/stoned every night. He was the one not successful, beautiful or good enough for me.

I don’t know what was he thinking at that very moment. Maybe he was thankful that he broke up with a crazy woman *LOL* He apologized for being an arse and I apologized for being lunatic. We later had beer and everything was okay. After that incident, we still remained as friends. For a while. Then I got tired of his bad habits and his whining about the miseries in his life.

Oh yeah, that new girlfriend of his, he dumped her two days later. She was upset with him because that night, he left her with his friends while he hang out with me for the rest of that night. *evil laugh*

So, that was my first (and hopefully) last public argument. So embarrassing. I know. I used to roll my eyes when I see couples fight in public. *head hangs in shame* Anyhoo, I do not recommend it to anybody because what I remembered most that night wasn’t only my screaming, but also the stares of other people like I was their freak show.

Anyway, yes, when I saw the movie last night, it reminded me of that relationship. The only relationship I put so much effort in but at the end I just have to let it go. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s as simple as that.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

twoinone entry

I am drowning with work.
The funny/stupid thing is, I am busy helping other people doing their tasks.
I made a sarcastic remark about it but no one cared.

Today, all my work was left untouched while they are people who take all the credit for the work we (my other colleagues and I) do for them. Since I work late today, I am allowed to take half day off tomorrow but because I need to finish the work that I didn’t do today, I still have to come to work tomorrow morning because tomorrow afternoon I need to go out to the office and play Santa and in the evening I need to entertain some people. *woohoo*

Am I productive or what? Considering my PC died and I have to make do with available PCs, of course the good thing is, those available PCs are way more high-tech then my dead PC.

I am worried about my abusive two-year old son. My mom and I have enough bruises to press charge him in court. The other night my son scratched my face when I wouldn’t stop tickling him. I actually bleed a little. Then two nights ago, he threw a book at me and it hit me in the eye. My eye swelled a little. Last night, he made me his personal radio. He would pinch my nose and demanded me to sing as per his request. He will pinch and make me change song every 30 seconds. When I told him to cut it out, he pinched my nose harder.

These are only a few of the many things he did. If I tell you every single thing he did, you would shake your head and wish me good luck. *sighs* If he doesn’t change his ways as he get older, someone is so going to a seminary or military school.

Friday was a crazy day. I finished work at 10pm. WE organize a get together with the press for Breaking of Fast. The funny thing is, it’s not even my thing but I ended up organizing and hosting it. Though the whole thing was a mess, and only two reporters came, at least it was done and there’s a guaranteed article in the newspaper.

I went out with some friends last night. Once again I played the listening buddy card. Not that I was interested in anyone in particular. You know what else I noticed last night? I am old. Well, I am the oldest among the friends last night. There was this 22 year old guy who was nursing his broken heart by flirting and later stalking a friend of mine who is 5 years his senior. Another friend was interested in this guy and that guy is 3 years her junior. I am older than all of them.

The only exciting thing happened last night was I lost my voice for unknown reason.
I am still croaky today.

After the get together with the press, we continued talking (or rather I listened more than talking) with another press about many things. We started discussing about another colleague of mine who is having problem accepting that her relationship is over.

Although we have different views on how to handle that colleague of ours, at the end of the day we all agree that matters of the heart are complex. We also agreed that women need to respect and give credit to themselves more. Sure it hurts like hell the first few weeks but it will surely heal. Instead of calling/sms-ing him continuously when he doesn’t bother to reply any of them, I say go pamper yourself. Dress up and go out with friends. Go shopping. Go get a new haircut. No one should make you feel crappy about yourself.

We are independent, educated and successful women. We don’t need a guy to make us feel good about ourselves.

Sadly, there are still many women who think marriage is the only way to measure your accomplishment. They are so caught up in trying to find themselves a husband, they forget the other important things.

Fyi, I don’t have anything against marriage. It’s a good thing. But love yourself first before you go and chase that fairytale romance you always dream about.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Sad sad day.

After tossing and turning endlessly last night, I wish I could continue sleeping instead of dragging my sorry arse to work this morning.

Work isn’t so bad. *does happy dance* Of course there are those ‘headaches” but I am so used to it, it doesn’t bother me that much anymore. It is all part of the work.

“He’s short and plump. Not a candidate to be my boyfriend”.
All I asked was “Who’s XX?”

Sometimes I wonder if I am in a bad dream and I would wake up laughing at the absurdity of some people. Unfortunately this is no dream. There are times when I ask myself why do I bother to mind whatever that comes out from my mouth. I also don’t understand why some people are excused for being silly e.g. making idiotic statements but I am criticized for championing common sense and independence e.g. life goes on with or without a man in my life.

People tell me I don’t understand. Please larr. I understand a lot of things. I just don’t tell the whole world I know everything like some people OR talking about the same subject over and over because that’s the only thing I know. *rolls eyes*

Maybe I am a b**** but there are so many other important things to talk about than the lives of the celebrities or the world of entertainment. Instead of talking about Erra Fazira’s dowry for her second marriage, shouldn’t we worry about the craziness that is happening in our society today?

I received two sad news today. Just last week my colleague was telling me about her 5-month old niece Baby Donna. Today she informed me that Baby Donna had passed away Sunday night due to Cholera. I can only imagine the pain Baby Donna’s parent is going through. When I was still thinking about Baby Donna, I was informed that another colleague of mine had also lost his six-month old baby last night.

I don’t understand why it has to happened but it reminds me how precious time we have with our loved ones.

I have learned to forgive and now I must learn to forget.

I wonder if the world was crying for them last night.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Sunday too short

I am so cranky these days it’s scary.

My son seems to think it’s funny though. He keeps pushing my button and I’ve used up all the patience I have not to hang him upside down from the mango tree. *roars like an angry lioness* Don’t worry people, I was just joking about the mango tree.

It’s Sunday and I am thinking about work. *sighs* I cannot help but to think of the yelling I’m going to get for the delay of those stupid Japanese collateral and the photo frame for the winners. *bangs head on wall* I know I know, I should have been more aggressive in pushing everyone but we are all adults so why can’t everyone be responsible and finish what they’re supposed to do on time and without being force to? With me being grumpy and cranky these past few days it’s very difficult for me to consent the scolding I don’t deserve but surely will get.

You know what I want to do at this very moment?
I don’t. If you do please let me know.

My Land of Ifs is broken. No matter how hard I try to let my mind free, I just can’t do it. I cannot imagine what it would be like when I hit the Jackpot. I cannot imagine the day I get to kick those idiotic people’s arses. I cannot imagine That Guy professing his undying love for me. I try and I try and all I got was a dead tone.

“The Land that you are trying to call is no longer in service. Thank you.”

I am now listening to I Love Your Smile by Shanice. This song reminded me of a boy my friends and I used to stalk. *LOL* He has this gorgeous smile with dimples I just want to lick. Or pinch. He was very shy and we were scary. We would send him messages through his younger brother but he never replies them. *chuckles* We would even follow him around and the more he blushed the more we try to get his attention. We never spoke to that boy and I don’t remember why my friends and I stopped our Saturday evening activity. I wonder what happened to him. Maybe I should try and Google him.

When I think about it, I wonder what happened to me. I used to be very aggressive and I don’t care what happens. Once, my friend and I followed this gorgeous guy around in a shopping mall for an hour or so. We didn’t go talk to him or anything. We were bored and we wanted to see what he was doing. I’m sure the guy knew we were following him around, I mean we were not discreet about it with our loud talking and laughing. We don't giggle, we laughed. Out loud. I swore he smiled when my friend declared that guy has a nice butt. Hee. Those days were fun.

I know I don’t have the guts to do that again. The thought of passing That Guy alone is enough to make my heart go crazy. I think I’d have a heart attack if he caught me looking at him what more to be caught following him around.

Why do we worry too much as we get older?

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Happy Saturday!

One after another.
I should have listened to my mom when I was a kid.
*sticks tongue out*

My arse is freezing. Whoever controls the centralized aircond is an idiot. There are days when I can’t breathe because there is no ventilation in this office because the aircond wasn’t switched on. There are also days like today when it is so cold, my fingers hurt when I type.

Thank goodness it’s the weekend. Monday is a public holiday so *woohoo*. I have No plans or whatsoever. No, I am not unhappy about that ya. I am going to hog the remote control and watch TV the whole day. What a joy. Hee.

Have a good one people.

Friday, September 14, 2007

I miss…
  • Hanging out with friends after work, drinking glasses and glasses of Teh Ais Limau/Teh Tarik/Iced Milo for hours
  • Whining and complaining how life sucks without friends thinking I am being a sadist
  • Having friends who would just agree with my criticizing those people who gives me grief although I am the b****y one
  • Going out dancing without worrying if I will look out of place among those young things with their tiny clothes
  • The arse kicking authentic Penang Char Koey Teow unlike the one fried with soya sauce sold nearby here
  • The DELICIOUS Nasi Lemak Petai Udang sold by that Kakak Corner Jalan at PJS 10 every evening
  • Or the tasty Nasi Lemak Kerang sold by that Pakcik Kancil Merah at SS6 every morning
  • My bad habit
  • Having good guy friends who sometimes forget I have boobs and occasionally wears skirts
  • Having someone who makes me feel sexy/beautiful even after I ate the whole Dunkin’ Donut shop and I have a gigantic zit on my forehead
  • Knowing there is someone wants to share my tomorrows and thinks my eccentricity is cute and not psychotic

I am feeling a lot better. Excuse my insane entry yesterday. I needed to get it out from my chest and blogging is my only source of comfort these days.

It’s crazy considering the people I know and write may stumble upon this blog and read all this. But hey, I mention no names and whatever I have written are truly personal feelings. I still give them the respect and benefit of the doubt every human being deserves no matter how poisonous their lies are or how painful that knife sticking behind my back is.

If you think it is you I am talking about and is upset with what you read, please go away.

If I were a man, I’d go punch someone/something. But because I am a woman, I am only allowed to take deep breathes. Other reactions are considered emotional and weak. How unfair is that?

I hate those who show attitude and temper in the morning. Someone should push them into the sea to chill them out. Push, pull, and repeat until they cool down. On normal days, these people wouldn’t affect me that much. Today, I just want to kick some arse. *beats chest like Tarzan*

You know what else I hate? Hypocrites.

You can’t shake off your deep feelings today. Deal with them, and they’ll vanish.

Easier said than done my friend.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

stupid me

“I thought single mothers are not accepted in Malaysia?”
I was dumbfounded when I heard the question. I couldn’t tell what surprised me more; the question itself or the untactful way the question was asked.

I don’t remember ever being put in the position where I became very defensive about our country. Despite what the other country think about us, I personally feel we are far better off then some of them. Maybe not in terms of technology and development, but at least we value our morality, culture and heritage.

Nevertheless, the foreign journalist was very interesting to talk to.
I think I surprised her when I said I have no plans of migrating overseas because this is my home and my heart is where my family is. Honestly, I surprised myself too. I wonder what happened to those dreams of living in a foreign land meeting new and exciting people every day.

The peace and harmony at my house was disturbed by the lack of Astro. Thing is, a family member footed the Astro bill and apparently the bill is not paid for this month. After the third time, I wonder if this is their subtle way to ask us to pay our own bill. Not that we don’t want to but my mom didn’t want that family member to think we are too proud for “assistance”. She insisted we wait until we are told to pay our own bill, which I personally think is somewhat humiliating. *sighs* It’s not easy to please everyone isn’t it?

I used to hate it when people take pity on my family but I have learned to accept it and return the favor by helping other people.

So what did my family and I do while the rest of Malaysia watched High School Musical 2? We watched one of my sisters played video games. We cheered when she won and mocked her when she lost. The funny thing is, it was kinda fun.

I hate this stupid computer at work. I had to restart the damn thing eleven times today!!! *bangs head on keyboard* I used to joke that when I throw the PC into the sea, those fishes will only laugh at me and throw it right back. I begin to think it may really happen.

How do you explain to someone who doesn’t want to accept the obvious? Call me a b****, whatever, but it’s not my fault if they themselves put ideas into their head.

I just knocked my finger with the large hole-puncher. I think it was a sign for me to stop whining.


I wrote the above four days ago but I had problem logging to blogspot. *sighs*
Today is Thursday. I was in good spirit this morning and WAS very optimistic about the tomorrows. I know I am being very immature and idiotic about this but I just cannot help it. I really think I need professional help. Or maybe someone to perform exorcism. I don’t know larr. What is wrong with me? *bangs head on wall*

Btw, my PC finally died and everyone thinks I've gone crazy for celebrating the death of my PC. Of course without a PC I can’t do much but this being a slow month at work and everyone is taking their annual leave, I still have access to the Internet. *claps hand* Yes, and work too of course. *whistles* And no, I have no clue when I will get my PC fixed or replaced. I spoke with the IT guy and he told me to take a number. *rolls eyes* Another good news is my Astro is back on. Apparently that family member already gave the instruction to pay the bill but the driver didn’t do it immediately. The timing couldn’t be perfect because I begin to hate that stupid computer game my siblings play. My son too plays the driving game though he would just let the car run into everything and anything. Hee.

How pathetic can I be? My (social) life depends on paid cable.

Jealousy sucks especially when I am doing all the jealous-ing over the stupidest thing. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Oh well. Maybe I will laugh about this after 10 years but at this moment, I just don’t think/feel I could survive this pain.

Help me.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Your sign

What song is appropriate to be played during the announcement of a certain result? You know the "And the winner is... (song is played)". This is one of the many crazy things I have to do for work; take charge of the music selections for functions held at the club. So you can call me Ms Music Director. Hee. I have just finished looking for instrumental music for the piped-in music. It felt like I was stuck in an elevator for the day. *chuckles*

My colleague and I had a good laugh when we read an email about our character according to the month we were born.

Abstract thoughts
This is true. If you can see my thoughts, you will have a headache

Loves reality and abstract
Yes, yes, things must make sense. At least to me.

Intelligent and clever
I am no rocket scientist but I do know a thing or two about certain things.

Changing personality
My colleagues all agreed that this is so me. I don’t think so. *whistles* But if adapting to situations/circumstances count, then I guess so larr

*ahem ahem*

Sexiest out of everyone
*bats mascara-ed eyelashes sexily*

Me? Temperamental? Only when provoke with attitude problem and stupidity.

Quiet, shy and humble
I am. I am. I am. My colleagues only laughed at me. *sticks tongue out*

Honest and loyal
I am honest almost about everything but if you want loyalty, get a dog. I work for the money. Hee.

Determined to reach goals
Maybe not SO determined. Remember my Learn New Language project? I am still on page 1.

Loves freedom
VERY much.

Rebellious when restricted
Aah... those were days. I am too old now to have curfews or to be grounded.

Loves aggressiveness
SO not true and everyone can vouch for it. I am all talk and no action when it comes to aggressiveness kay.

Too sensitive and easily hurt
LOL. I am as tough/strong as the... bull. Heh?

Gets angry really easily but does not show it
If you could only read my mind then you would understand why.

Dislikes unnecessary things
100% accurate.

Loves making friends but rarely shows it
Like I said before, I am not the BFF after 1 second kinda girl.

*LOL* *rolls on floor* *wipes tears* *LOL* You think I want to admit this in my blog? *LOL* - My colleagues had the best time laughing at me about this. *sticks tongue out* *gives middle finger*

Daring and stubborn
Depending on circumstances and level of alcohol?

I am ambitious.

Realizing dreams and hopes
But I don’t/haven’t realize it. Not yet anyway.

After my cup of coffee.

Loves entertainment and leisure
Excuse me but who doesn’t?

Romantic on the inside not outside
Personally, I think romance is intimate and personal, and the rest of the world doesn’t need to know your business. Thank you.

Superstitious and ludicrous
Superstitious, not really but I do unconsciously practice a few, for you know, just in case & luck. Ludicrous, I hope everyone is laughing WITH me not at me

Yeah but I have been really good with my budgets lately. Well at least I try larr

Tries to learn to show emotions
Which emotions?

To me, this sort of information is purely for fun only. I believe those people who put so much faith in these predictions or readings are missing a lot of things in their life. I mean, I admit I do like it when the readings say there’s a guy who is head over heels in love with me. It’s a real good self-esteem booster. But of course I do realize that it is only a reading and is not necessarily true. Because if it does, I would have lots of money, met my Mr Perfect and gotten married by now. *sticks tongue out*

Aquarius: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistake repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you’re a jerk. You enjoy getting screwed by large inanimate objects.

*LOL* *stomach cramps* *wipes tears*
So funny.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

last weekend...

To mark the country’s 50th year of independence, development and achievements, my neighborhood had electricity failure for an hour or so. *rolls eyes*

On Merdeka Eve, I went out with some friends from work. It has been A WHILE since my last drinking session so I kinda felt out of place. After the second beer, I relaxed a bit and decided not to let my crazy thinking ruin my night.

The whole night was okay and everyone had fun.

My chauffeur was a little dizzy so we ended up talking with her friend and her friend’s friends outside the pub after closing hour. It’s funny because I do not know this people BUT within minutes they tell me things a stranger shouldn't know. I’m sure half of it is the liquor talking, but I believe there is always some truth in what they say. May it be sadness, fear, anger, confusion, or even dissatisfaction.

I enjoy listening to them though. Hee.

I attended a function Saturday night. The food was great, the entertainment was okay but the crowd was a little b.o.r.i.n.g. These people needed alcohol to get them going. *rolls eyes* Seriously, if you need something to lift you spirits every day, then there is something terribly wrong with you. Liquor is something for you to enjoy not kill yourself with it.

You know, the event was a Black Tie affair. I was worried I would be under dressed or worst, over dressed, not that it will happen because I have nothing THAT fancy in my wardrobe, although I used to have that ONE ‘bulu-bulu’ (furry) top. Hmmm... Anyway, I was told to come wearing whatever I want because no one bothers with the dress code. Sadly but true enough, not many bothered to dress up.

There is a reason why they come up with the dress code you know. The organizers made the time to plan the details of the event, making sure everything is in order and everyone is having a good time. To show your appreciation, at least try and make the effort to come as requested. I don’t know about you but when I plan something and people do not bother to make the effort, I’d be pissed. And no, showing up does not count.

Btw, there should be a law that banned women from a certain age from wearing skirts above their knees. It’s not pretty.

My son is stubborn. That is a fact. If you physically stop him from doing whatever he wants, he will scream and say that he is in pain, which is so not true. Recently, he learned something new. I do not know where he picked this new err... skill. Every time you ask him to do something, he will tell you "I’m sleeping" and pretended to sleep so he’ll get away with it. The other day when I make him apologize to my sister, again he says "I’m sleeping" but this time he pretended to snore too to add the effect. Hee.

I think I need to "mandi bunga" (a bath with 7 or was it 9 different kind of flowers believed to change your luck for the better). Someone told me this has to be done under a bridge. I don’t see the significance but o-kay. Been having a lot of problem at work. Nothing major but it is really unnecessary work e.g. printing and cutting more than 10,000 pieces of little sticker to cover up a sponsor’s indecisiveness. I have been doing a lot of cutting and sticking lately I even dream about it. These headaches can be avoided if people, and yes including myself put more attention to our work. I must also learn no to trust other people too much. They will only take the glory but never the blame.

My colleagues think I am under a lot of stress because I talk to myself and laughing too much.
Don’t I always?
Talking to myself and laughing too much that is.