Saturday, March 25, 2006

are you happy?

I can feel my energy and patience being sucked right out of me. I am so emotional I could laugh, cry and throw my four-inch heels at my neighbor's dog so "it" would stop barking - all at the same time. Okay, the last one is a lie. I am afraid of dogs and there's no way I will do anything to make it maul my not-so-pretty face.

Maybe it's the weather. Maybe I have eaten something bad. Maybe I've been using too much willpower not to bark at those who piss me off. Maybe I was worried people were going to label me as psychotic - I don't respond well to labels. Maybe I didn't want to admit I am "unhappy" with what's happening. Maybe there are so many maybes I could use as an excuse – I like that!

My life doesn't involve only me now but also the little guy who drags himself and his leaking diaper around. To admit I am "unhappy" is like admitting my decision was a mistake. And I hate that. Especially when it is a decision made because of him. The only thing I am "unhappy" about him is his temper. Other than that, I have no regrets. Not even when I first found out about him. In fact I was overjoyed. Crazy? I must be.

Then why do I feel so depressed? *sigh* Must I always explain myself? People always need me to explain myself. I'm an Aquarius. I am eccentric. I am supposed to be strange people! Fine… *rolling eyes* I don't know what I'm doing most of the time. There. Happy? When I do, it's already staring me to anxiety. So I just tell myself I know what I'm doing and most time it work out very well. Know what I mean? Ohh… no worries about it. You don't have to understand me. Just love me. Love me well.

It's tiring to be "Optimistic" all the time. I am only human. I am blessed with all emotions/moods. So why can't I pout and sulk and complain? Sure, "Happy" I can do. But the world would be SO dull if everyone is happy all the time. We need anger, we need frustration, we need tears, we need heartache. Damn it, we need it all. If we don't have it, how do we learn to be a better person? How could I teach my son the values of life without him taking everything for granted? <- hee. Did I just say that?

Yes I am sad. I am unhappy. Not because I miss my old life. It's because I don't have a magic wand to make everything better. I am frustrated because things have not turned out the way I hope it will be immediately.

Yet I am sure it will work out. I just need to complain about something now.

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