Thursday, March 30, 2006

I couldn't think of a proper tittle...

I am so tired. *yawn*
I must be the laziest jobless bum on earth.

In my defense, looking after my baby is more more MORE tiring than working for 48 hours straight. He is climbing, eating, poking, destroying and grabbing everything he sees. He’s demanding, stubborn, fearless, mischievous, quick and heavy too. He has given me headaches, backaches, sleepless night and what I could only describe as almost heart-attacks. All that and I still adore/love him so SO SO greatly. I wonder if I could love anyone/anything else that much. *thinking*

He has given me/taught me so much compared to all the men I dated combined. I feel more satisfied looking at him sleeping blissfully than helping to secure a multi-million account. Well I might feel differently if I was rewarded accordingly. I don’t ask much just A-C-C-O-R-D-I-N-G-L-Y. HA!

ANYWAY, enough about him. You may think I am one of those “annoying” mother who couldn’t stop talking about her child. I AM NOT. Well, I try not to be. It’s just so damn hard when my world revolves around him and him only. Okay, and my family too, but they’re so B-O-R-I-N-G. *rolling eyes* Wouldn’t it be weird to write how adorable my 17 year old brother is when he’s sleeping? Not only it’s weird, it’s a little scary too. My family may be dysfunctional, but we’re not creepy.

Let’s see.

I’ve been snooping around some profiles from Friendster of people I know either from school or… well I don’t remember where I met them. Profiles of people I know. Everyone has grown up so much; I don’t recognize most of them. Maybe if they use their real name instead of some weird nick (-> Marky Mark – seriously?) would make it easier.

I got a little nostalgic looking at the familiar faces. I miss those times when I was surrounded by people whom I can connect on a friendly basis. Hee. Why didn’t I use the word “friends”? Well, if we were friends, we would need to be on a talking term. Now, even to say “hello” feels so awkward. I admit I sometimes walk the other direction when I see a familiar face. Why? It feels so weird. One thing I hate is to feel uncomfortable. Even when I put my guard down and pretend we were the bestest of friend, it still feels unpleasant. I am terrible aren’t I?

I don’t know why I feel that way but that’s how I really feel. This insanity of mine has left me with not so many friends. At least “real friends” whom I know care about me sincerely. It’s okay. Lesser friends, lesser headaches. Friends tend to stab you in the back. True friends stabs you in the front <- Oscar Wilde.

I always end up talking about something else. Hee. Well, yeah. I miss those times when I could talk, laugh, share about many things with many people. Once upon a time I thought everyone was my friend. Then I learn about betrayal and conceit. I still feel the pain till this very day.

When I see them doing so well in life, doing what I wanted to do myself, I am jealous. In fact I am VERY green with envy. Living the life I’ve always dream about. At one point in life I was very sure I am going to have it all. Shame on me. I learnt life the hard way and I still have to learn it the hard way. I had to suck it up when my dream was taken away from me. I make do. NO regrets. Well, not that many.

I am truly happy for them. Them enjoying their life, doing what they want to do and knowing what they want in life.

When I was young, I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up. Now I am all grown up, I have no idea what I want to do.

No worries. I am scared but I am trying this “optimistic” thingy. People tell me it’s good for me. *wink*

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