I'd notice

You have no idea how I wish I could turn back time and correct the idiotic things I have done over the years. And because I am me, karma is biting me in the arse and won’t let go. *sigh* It’s freaking tiring but I have to accept the consequences of my actions, no?

When will this end? I mean give me a break. I GOT it. I’ve learned my lesson. I am sorry. Please go and make someone else miserable. Every time when I thought my life finally falls into place, BAM it got messed up again. It’s not funny anymore.

The painful bit is I gotta keep everything to myself because I cannot handle criticism and counsel. Yes I am wuss. A tired wuss that is.

This constant headache is not helping either.

Okay, enough whining, more on happy things, well other stuffs.

I was reading Grey’s Anatomy’s recap, yes, I googled the recap because I am impatient. I also read House, Gilmore Girls, Heroes, Ugly Betty, all three CSIs. Anyway, I read the recap and something Addison Sheperd said that got me thinking.

"It makes you think. You know, what if I went missing? Would anyone notice I was gone?"

I think and I think. I used to ask similar question but in a more morbid way. "Will you cry for me when I die?" My excuse was I had to many glasses of whiskey. No one took my question seriously or maybe I imagined asking the question. Maybe.

I don’t know about other people but I feel invisible at least once a month and PMS has nothing to do with it. Sometimes it feels that like I have taken one step back and then the whole world just swoosh by like in the movies. It scary because no one seems to notice that I am not there, not "swooshing" with the rest of the world. Now I am usually very good in finding excuses to make myself feels better, and all I can come up with is "I think too much". That’s a lousy defense.

Back to the question. I am sure my family members and colleagues would look for me for the obvious reason, but that question isn’t really about them is it. I don’t know why am I thinking too much about it. Maybe I’ve been listening to my friends and their love life and that made me wish I could bore them with my stories instead. Hee.

Alex (Karev) tells her, "I'd notice." Addison: "What?" Alex: "If you went missing. I'd notice."

I wish I have an Alex in my life.
I also think Alex Karev (Justin Chambers) is SUPER HOT.

Super hot because he is a dad to five children. I always find men who loves/knows how to handle kids - sexy!

passionately not

They should create Worst Employee of the Year award and hand it to me because I know at this moment I really deserves it. Although I have finished all tasks given, or almost finish, but the job done was done for the sake of getting it done. No thoughts were put into it. No details were given a damn. Let’s not even talk about passion because sadly that never existed. There was that one moment but I confused it with having a good day.

Yes, I do use the word "passionate" in my resume.
But honestly I don’t even know what it REALLY means.
But it sounded nice and everyone uses it and now EVERYONE knows I lied.

How am I to survive another twenty years or so of this?

I am destined for greater things, the only problem is; I have no freaking clue what it is.

a two in one entry

The Chinese New Year celebration is over and life is back to normal again.
Why should/must I put an end to this happy feeling?
I like waking up after 7.00am.
I like lounging around like a deserted dugong on a beach at 2.00pm and watch cartoons/TV with my son.
I like so many things but I am angelicbug and bugs do not get what they want.

This year’s ang pow collection is pitiful but it’s expected. One of my aunt jokingly said "When are you going to get married so I don’t have to give you ang pow anymore" Heh? You think I am simply going to grab a guy by the street and get married so YOU can stop giving me ang pows? NEVER. Some ang pows disappeared since I started working. Whatever happened to "ang pows are for single people"? *tsk tsk tsk*

Like every other celebration, the holiday is a non-stop eating marathon. We gambled a bit and I won RM8.00 - my siblings’ pocket money. *evil laugh*

I went for a drink, seriously A DRINK, with some friends the other night in one of the local clubs. I swear most of them are half my age. The place was overcrowded, the crowd was so-so, the music was so-so, the one drink was *two thumbs down* For few seconds I wondered if I am wasting my time going to clubbing. I mean what was I thinking? Luckily the not-so-happening-anymore-party girl in me kicked in and I had fun. In my own world. Too bad there’s nothing for me to drool at. NOTHING.

And... that’s it. Nothing much happened. Still it was a good break.

Work is crazy. I hate coming back to work after the holiday. You have gazillion of things needing your immediate attention. EVERYTHING is URGENT and everyone is pointing fingers at you for holding up everyone’s work.
Damnit.

###

Ban fast food advertisements to promote healthier lifestyles?
Only in Malaysia, baby.

They really think such drastic action will have any effect on our Malaysian diet huh? Man... they are SO wrong. But what do I know. I am only the statistics the government is trying to umm... "save". Like now I am so craving for one or two of those juicy Mushroom Swiss Burger from Burger King.

They’ve banned ciggie & liquor ads. They increase the prices ridiculously year after year and yet that did not stop Malaysians to smoke, drink and be merry. You think the government would learn by now. *tsk tsk tsk*
I feel sorry for the agencies working on fast food accounts though. There goes your bonus. Hee.
Wouldn’t it be nice if some people would stop treating us like kids?

On a totally different topic, I was talking to some girl friends when it hit me. I discovered one of the many reasons, I am sure, why all my relationships sucks. I unconsciously ruin it for reasons I am not so sure although I somewhat figured it out but refusing to admit it.

Damnit. Why do I have to be so darn complicated?

annoying people & fun people

What happens when you put She Who Acts Like She Is The Boss and He Who Tries To Exercise His Managerial Position in the same room?
They disagree about everything and shamelessly argue about it.
And what was the argument about?
Photography schedule was the culprit but real debate was "I like not doing anything and I want it to stay like that so I bitch about having to do everything and how I am the only competent one in the department because I need the boss to love me so I can shoot up the corporate ladder and make everyone’s life a living hell".

I hate conflict and I hope they will do their argument elsewhere. Hello? This is an office, not the bloody parliament. Their loud disagreement embarrasses me.

We are all adults and therefore should act like adults. No? Shouting at each other, throwing tantrums, showing temper, name-calling, tale telling – very immature. No? They agree and roll their eyes when other people behaves like a child but the moment things do not go THEIR way, *BAM* they’ve turned into the annoying prick.

Why can’t they surprise me by being nice and diplomatic about the whole thing? Why can’t they surprise me with solutions that are fair to EVERYONE? Somehow, I always ended up doing EXTRA work every time they come up with a new system. Damn they all.

Went out last Tuesday to celebrate a friend’s birthday. She had a blast and I have pictures to prove it but I gave her my word – certain pictures are not for public viewing. Spoilsport.

Anyway, we were out with her guy cousins and suddenly I was hit with this heavy feeling – I miss my guy friends/buddies. You see, I don’t have many if not any close guy friends here. I miss being one of the guys although sometimes I hate the "You’re one of us" phrase so much I want to flash them and scream "I am a woman for goodness sake!" They wish larr. I think.

I need a drink but no drinking buddies.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m really the snob they say.

i love you love me

People have been asking me what are my plans for V-Day. Seriously people? Obviously. I don’t. Have any. Plans. And why are you so interested anyway? *rolls eyes*

To be honest, I have never celebrated V-Day the commercial way – you know; dinner, gifts and what not. Well I have that one date BUT it wasn’t a romantic thingy. There was no wine & dine or red roses. There was coffee, movie and a mug though. Besides we were celebrating our birthdays as well – so that doesn’t count right? Right? Don’t tell me I’ve had my V date without me realizing it! *dang*

For some reason I am always single during V-Day. Don’t know why but I assume it is one of universe’s little jokes on me. And yet I have nothing against V-Day. Although I agree it’s crazy to pay more than double for roses, gifts and all, but hey, why complain to show your love to that special someone. If you really love someone, money and the hassle are nada. Well, of course, I am a woman so my opinion may be a little, well, you know based on emotional judgement.

If I get to pick my ideal V-Day date, I’d say, dinner at some place where I can dress up, go dancing and later drinks somewhere outdoor with a great view preferably the sea or the sky with thousands of stars. Just talking and in love. The guy doesn’t even have to buy me anything but of course a gift would be a BIG plus. Hee. I know it’s ordinary and EVERYONE else has done it except for my second sister. *whistles* But hey, it feels good when I imagine it over and over again in my head. No, not pathetic but I was simply exercising my imagination and creativity. Like YOU don’t do it. *rolls eyes*

Sometimes on V-Day I would go out with my single friends, bit**ing and ridiculing all the lovebirds just because. Somewhere in between the session, there will be one or two who gives in to the V-Day pressure and moans about her single-hood and how she will die alone and because the neighbors will only find her body months later when they smell her rotting corpse, her cats will have to eat her because no one will feed them until then. Disturbing? Very.

On a normal V-Day I would just stay at home and watch all those sappy romantic movies with a box of tissue in one hand and a... well anything that is comforting in another. I will try not go out alone on V-Day not because my heart aches when I see couples holding hands with their bouquets of flowers and all. No. But because they are the scariest people during this time of the year. They walk around without a care in the world and if you’re not careful, you will end up crashing into them. It’s like they’re testing their power of love or something. They know they are on your path and yet they need to prove that their love is strong by knocking you off with their deathly lock of loving embrace. They’re the Super Couple. With their power of love, even the eighteen-wheeler will stop to let them cross the road. Hee. Must not forget their disgusted/pitiful stare because you’re all alone on V-Day. *Geez*

Last V-Day I took my son for a walk at the park. I picked some flowers and made him give it to me for V-Day present. *whistles* That was fun. This year, since I have to work, I’ll buy his favorite snack and eat it together while watching one of those sappy V-Day movies, of course after Spongebob that is.

So to all lovers, enjoy your time with that special someone. I know I will.

Wouldn’t be awesome to receive a kick arse bouquet of flowers from some admirer?
*hint hint* to my Mr Right wherever he is.

I like not only to be loved, but to be told that I am loved.
-George Elliot

Ps: I was getting ready for a friend’s engagement party last Sunday and my son was in the room with me. After I finished making myself presentable, he suddenly said "Pewitt (his way of whistling). Pewitt, nice oh". *LOL* He is such a joy.

***
I heard over the radio that today is the Single Awareness Day. Heh? Oh why not. We have celebrations for almost everything. If you’re single than Happy Single’s Day to you.

twelve february two thousand seven

Today I am a year older.
I am now 29 years old.
*gasps*

On my way to work this morning, I wish I were 19 or 20 years old again.
Why? Honestly? So I could relive my glorious days.
My worries were lesser and trivial.
Life, life was one big constant party.
Shameless flirting was more like a sport.
Dancing the nights away feeling (more like imagining it) sexier than all the PCD combined. Heh?
Head banging with my killer but gorgeous high heels.
Always game for anything fun and crazy.
There was nothing I couldn’t do. Well almost nothing.

That was difficult to give it up.
The feeling of being in control and confident about everything.
Now, I absolutely have no idea about anything. Nada. Zilch.

All I do is worry, worry and think a little too rationally. Good, no?

But after fifteen minutes or so, I was in good spirits again. Yes, I have had a great time and it’s time to move on. One cannot and should not stay at the same phase in life forever. Right? We need to move on and experience new things so we could share our wisdom or so-called wisdom to our children and/or the younger generations. We are their moral stories. I have plenty to share for those willing to listen. Otherwise I will just give them my skeptical look, shakes my head and *tsk tsk tsk*.

Besides I am still having fun. Grounded and responsible kind of fun. *woohoo*

I am very happy many people remembered my birthday. *blushes* I was actually quite shy about it. Not because I am getting older, but people were acting so nice and making a big deal about it. Heh? Basically it was uncomfortable larr. I know I am impossible. *sticks tongue out* I do love attention but not that kind of attention. The office threw me a mini surprise birthday celebration. Then my mom prepared special dinner and bought me a cake too. So I had two cakes! *yay*

Btw, my mom thinks I’m 28 this year. *LOL* I blew one candle in the office + 28 at home = 29 candles. The cake didn’t burnt, thank you very much.
It was a very good day indeed.

I feel really good. Being 29 and all. This will be one great year. Yes yes. Definitely going to be a fantastic year. Hopefully I get to win the Jackpot.
*keeping my fingers crossed*

some people are just so...

I am little giddy.
I was kinda exhausted from yesterday’s shoot.
Exhausted and burnt.
I didn’t expect the exhaustion to last this long though.
Every time I move, the world starts to spin and I will feel slightly sick.
How I wish I could just stay in bed. *sigh*

Explain this to me.
Why do some people have to be so bloody arrogant?

I am not complaining. Well. I am. Kinda.

* Pic of the Pacific Sutera's Poolside. Took this while waiting for the crew to finish their shoot. Took with my lousy camera phone, hence the bad quality.



The Korean group was demanding and expects everything to be done THEIR way. They also wants everything to be FREE. *rolls eyes* I do not mind the demands BUT their expression and body language was too much. We hosted them lunch the other day. It is our practice to have one or two more staffs to entertain the group depending on the number of guests. There were eleven of them, so my boss asked the Korean Guest Service Associate (Korean GSA) and I to join them.

We arrived at the F&B outlet and they didn’t like the table we prepared. So we moved to another area. The Korean GSA and I made sure everyone was seated before we seat ourselves. I mean we were being courteous and all. I noticed that when the Korean celebrity sat down, it was only appropriate my boss sits next to him. BUT one of the female crew grabbed the chair from my boss and sat down. The waiter was smart enough to put a chair in between that female crew and the celebrity. Unfortunately, for the Korean GSA and I, when the waiter wanted to put more chairs, the crew members told them not to. Now, they can’t be that stupid to think we want to put those extra chairs for no reason? It was very obvious they do not want us to join so the Korean GSA and I signaled our boss to say we are leaving. Hell, I am SO not going to stay where I am not wanted.

Call me Drama Queen. Whatever. I know I am over acting. According to my other colleague, this is common and we just do our job the best we can. I agree. I did try my best to accommodate all their requests no matter how last minute/ crazy it is and stand under the hot sun while wait for them to finish their shoot. This is part of my job, I know, but I am just sad because THESE KIND OF PEOPLE ARE THE REASON LIFE IS SHITTY. I also blame them for the war and everything else that is wrong with the world today. HA.

Anyway, they’ve all flown back to their country and I hope I will never have to work with them again.

My world is calm again.
*yay*
I wish larr.
I still have gazillion of things to do.
Most of them are not my responsibilities but the hell cares right?
They keep adding more work assuming I am okay with it.
*rolls eyes*
I am all about complaining aren’t I?

Oh well, I promise to whine lesser in the next 10, err 5 posts.
*pinky swear*

My acting debut part 2

Where was I? Oh yes, the lunch. After they had enough footage, they stopped for lunch. By then I already lost my appetite but I must say the steamed crab was really YUM.MY. Then we had "story-telling" session with the island staffs and also the ground handler for the group. I said story telling because the things they share are unbelievable. *Rolls eye*

Then we had another shoot where we were supposed to head back to the boat. Had to shoot that scene six times because the cameraman wants to shoot different angles. I was shy because everyone was looking at us. I know I know I am just the extra but still shy larr.

Then it was the boat shoot. That gave me a headache because the boat was wobbling a bit. Again repeated shooting because we’re not in frame larr, we didn’t smile larr. Mann... it’s not easy being an actress isn’t it? But we managed to finish the whole shoot without any damage. Yes the whole experience was tiring BUT I did learn a couple of things about handling a media group, so hooray for me. Sorry ya, the details are so fuzzy so I got to keep it short before I mixed it up with episodes from my imagination. Hee.

My weekend was a little slow. Brought my son for his third haircut and it was... well memorable. Every time I mention hair cut to him he will shake his head and say "No". So last Sunday we went to his "hairstylist" (four hairstylist gave up trying cutting his hair because my son would not sit still!) and before we went in the saloon, he already refused to go in with us. Can he actually remember the place after visited it three times only? Anyway I dragged him in and he started sobbing. It was painful to see him so sad like that but he really needed a haircut. I had to carry and hold him in my arms while the hairstylist did his thing. He was crying, screaming and turning his hair around. He didn’t end up looking like an accountant this time but he looks so different.

On Monday I had another last minute media group I needed to take over. A Korean group doing their photography recce for some men’s clothing line. The model is one of Korea’s top male celebrities. Many of my colleagues from the other department are so excited about the celebrity. *rolls eyes* I hope they won’t make me go and get his autograph or something, which some of them had shamelessly asked me to. I have never done a recce before but thank goodness my boss was around to lead the first one-hour of the recce.

We took them to locations, which we think was appropriate for their shoot. I really need to get a good working cum walking shoe. I don’t know how my boss can walk around in her very high heels. *salutes my boss* The sun was shinning today and the uniform I wear is not sun proof. It was hot hot hot. I was walking around like a headless chicken because I wasn’t sure what they want and to make it worse, they themselves not sure what they want. So basically I had to arrange everything on the spot. Luckily, those Koreans weren’t so fond of walking so they cut a lot of the locations we were supposed to inspect. In fact they decided to shoot within one hotel only so it will not inconvenient the celebrity. Thank goodness for that.

Today (Tuesday) the celebrity arrived and they started shooting at 7.00am. They started earlier than scheduled and failed to inform anyone. Luckily the management didn’t know this otherwise there will be a lot of explaining to do. Met the Korean celebrity. A pretty boy. They are all very pretty right, those male Korean superstars? He’s such a snob too. I smiled and nod when I saw him but he just walked away without even looking. Wtf? Just because he’s some so-called superstar he doesn’t have to be so arrogant right? I mean, come one man, you’re no Heath Ledger or Josh Harnett (I think they’re in the same age group) then maybe I would go a little crazy. Anyway, it didn’t matter larr. I am just there to do my job.

It was quite difficult telling his fans (yes he does have some fans) to stay away and no photography allowed. He doesn’t even acknowledged his own fans. *tsk tsk tsk* He did signed one autograph and that’s because the boy actually chased him and was blocking his way. *evil laugh* Hey, I am not paid to be his bloody bodyguard.

My feet are still aching from all the walking yesterday. I also got a tan from the hot sun but unfortunately that tan is only on my face so I look kinda imbalance. Oh well. I should have known better and wear sunscreen right?

My acting debut part 1

I handled a media group for the time the other day.
I am so proud of myself. *clap clap clap* *pats own shoulder*
Despite the few screw-ups HE made, it went pretty smoothly.

Btw, They’re TV crews from Japan’s public TV network, NHK. They’re here to shoot for a TV program that teaches the Japanese basic Bahasa Malaysia. It’s kinda cool but as a Malaysian, I find it WAY too formal. I mean, who the hell talks like that? I know I know, newscasters! Hee. Besides, the grammar was bad and some sentences didn’t make sense. "If you condition worsen and you got a disease, just say "I’m sick!" – translated version. But who am I to judge? Out loud that is.

Their scheduled to shoot at the Manukan Island. The weather made me nervous. The sky looked as if it was ready for a battle and it drizzled for a while. Although I am not responsible for the weather, but it was their last day in town so they had to do the shoot or none at all. If they were not so damn excited about the shoot, I wouldn’t feel so sorry for them especially when they’ve already postponed the shoot on Monday because of the rain.

Despite the gloomy weather, the boat operator announced that they are going ahead with the boat transfers to the islands. *yay* While the TV crew shot the harbor and the boats, I stood at the side and worry how am I going to survive the journey with my fear of drowning and fear of wooden bridges, platform, etc. Yes, I imagine the wooden bride will just collapse because I am a whale and then I will drown and die because I am a whale who can’t swim. *shudders*

Since the Japanese crews don’t speak any English (but I am pretty sure they could), I try to get out of their way but still within reach in case they need something like accompanying them back to the hotel because they forgot to bring extra batteries for their camera. It was a less than five-minute walk, so it wasn’t so bad. There was a translator with them so there wasn’t much of communication problem. It was weird though when they would just talk to me in Japanese. I would just nod and smile. Most time I do get what they’re saying because they are very expressive with their facial expressions, hand movements and body language.

Oh, I am not sure how it happened, but the trainee (yes, I dragged her to accompany me!) and I ended up as extras, UNPAID extras in the TV show. How can I tell them no when the guest keeps curtsying at me while the translator tells me they need our (the trainee & I) help to make the scene more lively. *Erkk* Same thing happened to me in my previous workplace. If I look anything like Jessica Alba, I wouldn’t mind so much. Oh well.

Our first shot was to act all tourist-sy, get into the boat and enjoy the boat ride from the harbor to the island. I felt like a turtle with the life jacket on and my hair was all over the place because I forgot to bring my hair clip with me. The boat ride was a little bumpy because of the wind, but I managed not to freak out because I was more worried about the photographer. He was on his two feet with the camera on his shoulder. Every time the boat hit the bigger wave, he will lose his balance. He nearly falls flat on his back together with his camera but thank goodness the boat crew was quick to grab him. *applauds the boat crew*

The moment we land on the island, they start shooting again. The host was supposed to get a little seasick and the island crew will tell her to rest for a while. While they shoot, some of the island crews and I stood and watch when it started to drizzle again. We went to the nearest shed and took cover. While they shoot another scene, I took my time to enjoy the glorious view of the sea.

It has been 12 years since I last visit the island. Although I am afraid of drowning, I have always loved the sea. I feel so alive despite me being just a tiny dot in a world of many possibilities. With the never-ending (blue) sky and sea, there is no way I am destined for shitty life/luck. Of course, my life remains the same no matter how long I stand under the sun. BUT in that few moments of possibilities, those moments where my Ifs could come true, I would feel really good and the feeling will last for the whole day.

Anyway, the next shot was the water activity shot. The sun decided to come out and play during THAT entire shot so we were standing under the hot sun. The trainee was smart enough to use the umbrella given to us (when it started to drizzle) so I shamelessly stood next to her. I rather get sunburn than to carry that huge umbrella. *whistles* Btw, I must say one of the instructor for that water scooter thingy whose name I will not reveal just in case his friends is reading this and I do not want to feel so shy, his body was delicious. He wasn’t bad looking too. A little short for my taste but who cares when he got abs like that. *drools*

The next shot they took is the BBQ. Imagine my horror when they want us to act the eating scene. Sure I love to eat but not when I have cameras in my face. It was funny too because there was no script, but we have to act like we’re all excited about the food. The other unfortunate extra (a male crew from the island) was so comical I wanted to laugh out loud but obviously I cannot do so. I try to eat as "graceful" *ahem ahem* as I can. The cameraman and photographer seem to be fascinated with the way I eat as they took a lot of shot of me (compared to the actual talent or the other extras) eating and licking my fingers. In my defense, there wasn’t any napkin and the sauce was dripping. I chose to lick my fingers instead of wiping them on the tablecloth because that would be very gross. Don’t ask me why I didn’t ask for a napkin. Maybe I didn’t want to interrupt the shoot. *sticks tongue out* Now everyone in Japan will think I am a pig. Great. *snorts*

* this is getting too long. So to be continued...