grouchy

I am Oscar The Grouch today.
People, beware.
*roars like a lioness*

I’m sorry but I am trying my very best to control this temper.
It’s not like I attack everyone I see.
The only thing apparent is my sarcasm which is higher/louder than usual.
Is that wrong?
Other people put an angry face and bang tables but they’re excused for having a bad day.
So give me a break will you?

You know what I want to do?
Sit by the beach, with my son, books, an MP3 player and lots of mineral water.
And yes, a good sunblock lotion too.

Someone said I am like this because of work.
That’s true because I am a different person once I step out of the office.
I know I could do so much more BUT…
Don’t tell me not to get emotional about work because trust me, I know.
I know many things I should and shouldn’t do.
Like you know what to do and what you shouldn’t do.
But you don’t always do the right thing, do you?

I went to the blood donation drive just now and the doctor told me that my blood pressure is “cantik” (beautiful). *raises one eyebrow* It was 120/80 and she ask me what did I do because previously it was 140/90. I told her I watchout my food intake which is of course a lie but it made her so damn happy because according to her, she believes that too much salt would increase your blood pressure. O-kay, whatever makes her happy.

I don’t understand why some people love looking for problem. You know the things you do will only create trouble and yet you refuse to listen to advises you asked for and you whine when things go wrong. *bangs head on wall*

Some people just love the attention no matter how idiotic the circumstances are.
Some people just love to encourage those people to pursue their madness.

If only they put this much of effort in their work.

while waiting to be picked up...

Apparently arse kissing does bring you to places.

Why am I so damn stubborn/stupid refusing to be one of them while these people get to enjoy life the easy way? I admit I’ve tried but I just can’t do it. It’s too tiring.

I do believe in the old Malay saying “Sepandai-pandai tupai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah jua”. A direct translation would sbe “Smart smart squirrel jump, finally fall to ground also”. It basically means no matter how good you are, you will eventually fall/get caught/etc.

But the day these people fall do not come too quickly. *whistles*

unwell

I accidentally got super glue on my hands last night. Now my fingers feel numb. I don’t know why I am such a klutz sometime. The other day I got two of my toes stuck to the floor. Funny huh? You wouldn’t be laughing when you try to peel yourself off slowly hoping your skin is still intact. My son was worried for me.

I wish some people would be more sensitive to what goes on around them. The world doesn’t revolve around them despite what they think or say. The funny thing is they will most time get what they want. Life is unfair but I have learnt to cope with that.

*sighs* I think I need to join one of those physical classes so I could channel my frustration and anger out. No, I still haven’t figure out exactly the culprit for these ill feelings. Maybe I am just having a bad week.

I found the perfect song to describe me at the very moment.

Unwell – Matchbox Twenty
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of meI'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be

Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

thirty?

I’ll be thirty in a few weeks. No, I am not depressed because I am getting older. I am just sad for not living my twenties to the fullest. Now before I continue, I must stress that this entry is purely based on my crazy thinking/feeling that has been nagging me the past few weeks.

I am worried. I worry that I have missed out a lot of things in my twenties that I will never be able to experience anymore.
Again, remember this is crazy talk.

I want to do something crazy and not be responsible for my actions. Know what I mean? *raises one eyebrow*
I am tired of being an adult.

I should have been more ambitious. I do not want to be seating on the same sit when I turn forty. Life has to be more than just these four walls.

I wish I didn’t worry too much when I was younger. I know that my life would be more interesting (I said more because my life is already interesting, thank you very much). I would not let many things get in my way. Being too grounded is not so much fun.

I get this sad feeling that I would never ever be “in love”. You know, sappy love songs playing in my head 24/7. My heartbeat runs all over the place when I think of him. Checking my mobile every one minute to see if he sends me messages. Unconsciously talk about him and the cute things he did until my friends vomit blood. I’m a thirty year old plain and complicated single mother. Apparently some people do but I do not have strings of admirers lining up seeking my attention. It’s sad but it’s okay. I just hope I don’t miss all the loving too often.

I fear that I might have already missed my moment. That moment that defines me as a person. That moment that decides my accomplishments in this lifetime.

Have I gone mad to even think about all this? Maybe.

No worries though. I will celebrate my twenties that had taught me about life as a woman and a mother. Sure, I had a shitty bump here and there but the ride was great and I have no regrets.

My mom gave me a weird look yesterday when she realized I am turning thirty soon. The way she put it made me felt “old”. *LOL*

Pic: Ekiel in action

Pic: Melaka

Crash post

Okay. The past few days were a blur. My body is aching for unclear reasons. It’s not as if I’ve joined a marathon or do any hard labour. I’m just… *bleargh*. Despite the low batt, my mind is working overtime. It’s crazy because I can’t sleep with all the thinking. It’s really loud; it gives me a headache.

I sometimes wish my courage is as loud as my self consciousness.

If I weren’t so polite and nice. I’d tell many people to go jump off the marina. It amazes me how people could just start screaming and swearing without even thinking if they were right or wrong. The important thing is to be heard. As if volume is some sort of power. To stress your point add in all the foul words you could think of in every language available, bang tables and point fingers. *tsk tsk tsk*

If I weren’t so shy, I’d go and talk to all those men I only drool at. They may just laugh at me, but who cares right?

All I do is listen quietly and run away. *rolls eyes* What is wrong with me?

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was in a building with a guy whom I shall refer as X (whose face I saw but cannot remember). We overheard a conversation that we shouldn’t listen and X recorded the whole thing. When we heard enough, we walked out of the building fearing for our safety. We were about to cross the road when a lady stood next to us and told us whatever we heard was true and needed to be stop. She said she knew we were there and told us to run as they (the bad guys) knew about us and are looking for us.

So X and I started running. We wanted to jump into a yellow-coloured bus, but it drove away before we got into it. So we ran towards a deserted building, hoping they would not find us there. We walked in the building and found a secret underworld. It looked so much like the Hogwart’s hall (Harry Potter), I even mentioned it in my dream. The whole place was decorated beautifully. Like a Halloween party but it was Christmas. There was also a huge gorgeous Christmas tree and I told X if we get out of this one, we’re going to get a similar tree for next year. When I thought we were safe, we could see the bad guys were already in the building and we had to go. We started running and finally we were surrounded by men with weapons. That’s when I woke up.

The dream felt so real I have goose bumps just thinking about it. I can still clearly remember the colour of the bus we missed, the balloons and the Christmas decorations. How weird is that?

I must also admit that I am wondering who the guy was because it felt really safe to be with him.

---

Sorry people. I’m just a little tired/lazy these days.

Don’t ask me what I did because all I remember doing is doing nothing. I spent the whole weekend at home with my son watching TV and surf the net. I tried to teach Ekiel to play those online games for children but he keeps telling me he doesn’t know how so I ended up playing with him as my cheerleader “Good job Mommy!”


Ekiel has grown so much, he sometimes he worries me when he starts talking like an adult.

Ek: Mommy, I want bottle
Me: Where’s your bottle?
EK: There…
Me: Bring it here
EK: No, you bring it here
Me: You want bottle, you bring it here
EK: Ish, pemalas oh you this mommy (you’re so lazy mommy)

EK: Mommy don’t go to work
Me: Cannot. Must go to work. If no work, no bottle
EK: I drink water only

Pics: Cameron Highland

pics: why I love Xmas in KL