thirty?

I’ll be thirty in a few weeks. No, I am not depressed because I am getting older. I am just sad for not living my twenties to the fullest. Now before I continue, I must stress that this entry is purely based on my crazy thinking/feeling that has been nagging me the past few weeks.

I am worried. I worry that I have missed out a lot of things in my twenties that I will never be able to experience anymore.
Again, remember this is crazy talk.

I want to do something crazy and not be responsible for my actions. Know what I mean? *raises one eyebrow*
I am tired of being an adult.

I should have been more ambitious. I do not want to be seating on the same sit when I turn forty. Life has to be more than just these four walls.

I wish I didn’t worry too much when I was younger. I know that my life would be more interesting (I said more because my life is already interesting, thank you very much). I would not let many things get in my way. Being too grounded is not so much fun.

I get this sad feeling that I would never ever be “in love”. You know, sappy love songs playing in my head 24/7. My heartbeat runs all over the place when I think of him. Checking my mobile every one minute to see if he sends me messages. Unconsciously talk about him and the cute things he did until my friends vomit blood. I’m a thirty year old plain and complicated single mother. Apparently some people do but I do not have strings of admirers lining up seeking my attention. It’s sad but it’s okay. I just hope I don’t miss all the loving too often.

I fear that I might have already missed my moment. That moment that defines me as a person. That moment that decides my accomplishments in this lifetime.

Have I gone mad to even think about all this? Maybe.

No worries though. I will celebrate my twenties that had taught me about life as a woman and a mother. Sure, I had a shitty bump here and there but the ride was great and I have no regrets.

My mom gave me a weird look yesterday when she realized I am turning thirty soon. The way she put it made me felt “old”. *LOL*