Sunday ending too soon

When stubbornness and stupidity combines, it spells pain in the arse and trouble. I have argued about this with someone and she thinks I am being too hard. When the problem got worse, she channels her frustration not only on that person, but everyone else as well. *sighs*

I don’t expect people to be rocket scientists. I just wish people would use their head a little.

Do you know anyone who can never find whatever they’re looking for, even when the thing is right under their nose? Tell them the exact location and they still won’t be able to find it. Sometimes I think these people either pretend to look for it or they look with their eyes close. What about people who misunderstood your instructions, but refused to admit it and blame you instead? Strange but true, my life revolves around these people.

Maybe this is why I am always attracted to people who are knowledgeable, worldly, witty and composed. *ahaks*

It’s almost November. *panics* I haven’t achieve/done anything significant yet. Did I make a resolution list this year? *Erkk* I don’t even remember. Time flies when you’re having fun but the problem is, it’s no joyride. So where did time go?

I love weddings

I attended a friend’s wedding today. I love weddings though I don’t attend wedding much. In fact I think I have only attended three or four church weddings and a handful wedding dinner/luncheon.

The whole wedding theme, décor, colors, flower arrangements, centerpieces, programs, song selections, the food & beverages, the conduct of the bride & groom’s family members/guests, the fashion/style of the whole wedding entourage, and of course the bride and groom themselves fascinates me.

I can imagine the amount of work, time and energy spent on planning and organizing a wedding. (Almost) everyone told me it’s exhausting. I’m sure it is. Even on the wedding day itself the bride and groom has to be on their feet the whole day making sure everyone is entertained and there is enough food and drink to go around. We must not forget the gazillion of photos they are required to take, and the smiling, you need to smile even when your face hurts. The maid of the honor was told many times not to frown and the bride complained that wedding is not fun at all. *LOL*

Anyway, the bride was beautiful and her maid of honor/bridesmaids are pretty as well. I said pretty because they must never outshine the bride right? The food was delicious, and the drinks were plenty. The entertainment was indeed entertaining with everyone coming up on stage wanting to show off their talent. Sadly, not all of them are talented. *LOL* I told myself not to do an open mic thingy on my wedding. Hee. But there’s one girl (about seven or eight) who sang Somewhere Over The Rainbow and Moon River beautifully.

Yes, I do somewhat know what I want for my wedding. No, I do not have a scrapbook like some people though. I believe every girl must have at least once imagined how her wedding will be like. I used to want a grand wedding with plenty of guests to celebrate my special day with me. I want to wear one of those really big wedding dresses with a veil as long as ten feet to have that princess-sy effect. When I think about it, where am I going to find that many guests? *chuckles* Or the money to host an elaborate wedding I pretend to have in my Lala Land.

As I get older I think a simple and intimate wedding will do. The details are still important of course but it doesn’t have to be so complicated. After all, when you try to be different by being too difficult, it will only lead to a whole load of mess. It’s your wedding, not some competition.

I have heard a fairy tale wedding complete with backdrops of castle, cupids and unicorns. That is WAY too much, don’t you think. Like I said, it’s your wedding. Not some high school musical.

To J&L, congratulations and may your marriage be filled with lots of love and blessings.
Cheers!

I don't want to friend you larr

I thought after a certain age, one would stop behaving like a child. Obviously this is crazy thinking. At their age and mine, I thought the whole “You don’t friend her/him” phase is over. Again, crazy thinking.

When someone told me not so long ago that I should not befriended XX because half the things she said is not true, I was shocked but amused. It’s funny because I have heard the same thing about so many other people, and if I listen to them I would not have any friends at all. Him included.

Though there are times when I wish I live on the moon alone, I know I could not survive many days without having someone entertaining my blabbing.

Just a couple of days ago, I heard a newer version of this so-called advise.

“You better don’t hangout with them so often or you’ll be in the list (of people whose future depends on people who thinks they’re in control) next”.

Seriously? At that moment, I wasn’t thinking straight so I couldn’t see the humor behind the horrible threat. I was upset because there are times when I was almost fooled with their façade. Pretending to be the nicest people to ever walk on earth. *sticks tongue out* Victim of circumstances my foot. I just want to slap them silly.

Today, I feel like a second class staff. I know it is human nature to play favorites, but there has to be a limit. Although I only lose my cool for about 10 minutes, I surely did not forget. What goes around, comes around and I hope karma will bit him hard in both his nuts because the Wuss deserves it.

I once applied replacement leave a month after the function because I was busy. Wuss rejected my application because it was over the one month validity period. I was upset but rules are rules. Today I found out, another colleague also applied replacement off a month after the function but Wuss approved his leave. Bloody hell. Wuss approved another colleague’s carried forward leave but he questioned my application.

It pisses me off because I work my butt off and this is the kind of treatment I get? I am more worried with the yearly appraisal needed to be submitted to HR by end of this month. I know he is powerless but I really hate the discrimination. He thinks I am an idiot, but he has no clue what I can do. *roars like a lioness*

I need to find a smart way to settle this.

*waves to Puteri Santubong*
I’ll keep my word. Wait and see. *jeng jeng jeng*

Me no Heart

Curiosity kills the cat. In this case, me. This is one of those times I wish I wasn't so curious about something. Now that I know, I don't know what to do, what to think or even what to feel.

I am worried though. The world is getting smaller, and smaller and smaller. No matter how hard you cross your fingers or knock on wood, paths could still cross. Hopefully when that happens, I'll know what to do. Until then, I'd rather not think about it.

I was surprised when my colleague told me she reads my blog. *blushes* When she told me this, I immediately wonder whether I have written something she shouldn't be reading. I cannot help it. It was a spontenous reaction. *waves at her* Hope you enjoy my blabbing.

I wonder what I'll do when an angry mob confronts me about the things I have written about them? As long as I don't start crying, then it's fine.

I need to go pee but it's a long long walk to the ladies. So I'll save it for later.

###

I am on my replacement leave today. You have no idea how good is it to be at home and do nothing. Though I can hear my son terrorizing everyone with my mom/sisters yelling at him, this is my bliss - my own space doing my own thing.
---
I finally watched the Indonesian movie “Heart”. I know, I know. I am so outdated, blah blah blah. I have heard so much about the movies and enjoyed the soundtracks but I haven’t seen the movie because nobody wants to go watch a sappy movie with me. Well, not here anyway.

The dilemma between love and friendship. (At this very moment the player is playing Dilemma by Nelly & Kelly Rowland. How ironic is that?) I hope I will never be caught in that position because it’s not easy. If you ask me now, I don’t even have to think to know that I will choose friendship over love. BUT I may change my mind. Love makes you do funny things.

But if I am ever in Rachel’s shoe, I hope the guy in Farel’s shoe is not an idiot like Farel’s character. I am so sorry but he just pisses me off. Maybe the way I look at the story is wrong, but hell, when your best friend died, you should at least attend the funeral right? I know the GF is dying but she’s getting a new heart, Rachel’s heart (though I assume he doesn’t know this until after Rachel’s funeral). So can’t he spend an hour or so to attend the funeral service? I am sure the GF would understand this right? I would.

My Pet Story

I am so addicted to Fluff Friends in FB. My pet frog, Ek Ek is adorable. Though he looks like every other frog in FB, mine is special because I said so. *sticks tongue out* I admit that I hardly feed Ek Ek because I used all the money to bet on the races BUT I do pet him often though it does nothing to increase Ek Ek’s mood or speed. Hee.

I could still remember most of the pets I/my family used to have over the years.

Stray cats. We used to have lots of them because we feed them with leftovers every night. I don’t know what happened to any of them.

My sister had two rabbits. I remember us bathing the rabbits and my mom feeding them some kind of vegetable. The next morning both rabbits died because rabbits don’t eat the type of vegetable my mom feeds them. *Opps*

I know we had few dogs but there are only two dogs that I remembered the most. One was a black dog. I remembered him/her (I don’t remember the gender) because one day on our way out, we saw him/her on by the roadside, few houses away from mine, dead. When we got home, the dead dog was no longer there. My dad told us someone had picked him for dinner. I am sure he is joking but the thought of someone eating the dog still haunts me.

Another dog I remember was a puppy my grandma sent from kampung. I think the puppy got a little disorientated after the six hours ride from Sandakan. The moment my uncle opened the car door, the poor puppy started running around our yard and dived into a monsoon drain behind my house. We, well my brothers tried to save it by holding out a stick (like that would do any good) but the puppy refused to be saved. So bye bye doggie.

We also had two tortoises. We had them when they were the size of a fifty-cent coin and grew to almost a plate size. Somehow both turtles managed to escape from the basin where my mom keeps them. According to her, she covered the basin with some wire thingy and put a big heavy stone of top of it to keep the tortoises from escaping. Well, that obviously didn’t work.

My mom also used to keep fishes. Not the fancy ones you see at the pet stores but these are the plain-looking fish. I don’t know what it is called. Ikan Karuk? Anyway, one day I was on the phone with First Crush. I told him how smart my mom’s fish were because it could do the backstroke. First Crush told me to tab the aquarium a little. There were no responses from the fish and First Crush told me that the fish had gone to a much happier place. So shy only.

When I got much older, I bought a pair of tortoise for myself because I thought it would be fun. I didn’t realise the amount of work involved because obviously my mom did all the cleaning and feeding of the escaped tortoises. When the tortoise got a little too big for the aquarium I bought for them, I got a reason to give them away to a friend who has a pond at his house. I am very sure the tortoises are very happy there with the little zoo my friend created at his home.

For my I can’t remember which birthday, my friend gave me two female and one male hamsters. Those hamsters multiplied within weeks! Though I managed to give some away, some have their own horror stories. The two female hamsters fought over the male hamster. Hamster A got bitten by Hamster B on the face and died horribly. Yes people, half of Hamster A’s face was gone. One hamster disappeared mysteriously because the cage was tightly locked but one hamster is missing. He must be one intelligent hamster to be able to unlock and lock the cage’s door. One mommy hamster gave birth for the first time and got freaked out when half of the baby hamster was sticking out of her. So she went crazy in the cage by running around and around. Next thing I know both mommy and baby hamster died. The last hamster to survive was the original male hamster I named Amai after a friend. He lived for more than two years before he died a natural death. When Amai the hamster died, her was furless and his balls were so huge, he had to dragged it around. I swear this is real. My friends think he died from ball cancer but I rather think he died of old age.

After the last hamster, I told myself not to do anything crazy like that anymore.

My brother and his girlfriend however brought an orange stray kitten home and named her Pinky Pyramid. No clue what’s with that name. Anyway, believe me when I say the cat is evil and I have scars to prove it. One incident happened in the middle of the night. I didn’t realised Pinky was sleeping on the rug right in front of my bedroom door. When I got out to go to the washroom, I ACCIDENTALLY stepped on Pinky and that cat didn’t want to let go of my left foot. Another incident was when a friend of mine who stayed in a different block invited Pinky to play with her cat. I thought Pinky could use some feline company so I carried her to my friend’s place. As we were going down the stairs, she suddenly panicked and started attacking me like a mad cat she was. I know she is just a cat, but what Pinky wants Pinky gets because if you don’t give it to her, she’ll start attacking you. One day she went out of the house and refused to come home. Last I saw her; she was like the queen stray cat of the place we used to live.

I have plenty bad experiences with animals. A protective mommy cow chased me and I jumped over a four-foot fence. I was chased around school by a dog. A dog tried to bite my head because she likes me *rolls eyes* A cat clawed my thighs while I was seating on a chair and that cat dangled on air for 10 seconds.

These reasons are enough to justify my reason for never wanting a pet. Animals and I just don’t click.

But if I could keep any pet I want, any pet at all, I would like to have a baby chimpanzee or a baby elephant. That would be something. So until I could get myself either one, I’ll stick to Ek Ek my froggy at Fluff Friends.

Ohh... I must never forget my tomagochi pet. He died numerous time from his own... waste. Hee. So if I am ever going to get that pet chimpanzee or elephant, they better know how to clean after themselves.

work already?

I hate coming back to work after a long break.

I’ve been saying the wrong thing the whole day and it’s tiring.
E.g. He came all the way here just to take toilet.
What I meant was “He came all the way here from the toilet just to take tissue paper.

I was actually looking forward to come to work but the moment I stepped into the office, my whole enthusiasm disappeared. Don’t ask me why because I do not know the answer. Like I said, I am already counting to the next holiday, which is this weekend. *woohoo*

Hopefully I don’t have to work this Sunday larr. *grrr* If he’s lazy then why do I have to do it?My colleague is right. I need to tell this people off when they’ve crossed the line. But it is easier said than done. I must think of a smart way to handle this problem. I will never win a shouting match.

I am so freakin’ lazy, I wish I didn’t have to work late today.

Btw, I watched Berbagi Suami (Indonesian movie) on Astro Ria last night. It’s about life of three women who are in polygamy relationships (each with their own story). I love the way each of their stories was told.

I also love the fact that strangers or even people I barely know could share my life story as well. I think it’s true. No matter how different we are, at the end of the day, we all want the same thing; love, happiness & security.

I want ketupat & rendang

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri.
Maaf Zahir & Batin.

This is the second year I celebrate Hari Raya at home. I usually celebrate it with friends at their house, stuffing myself with too much ketupat and rendang. I did get one invitation to an open house, but her house is at the other end of the planet so I decide to log in to FB instead. *sticks tongue out*

It’s a long holiday but I feel so damn restless.

Maybe it’s the weather and I am just bored. I don’t feel like going out of the house either. There’s nothing good on TV. So Houston, we have a problem.

I had a strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I was in the car with a guy who was my BF. Well at least I think so larr. I don’t know why but I was brushing my teeth in the car. *LOL* Then the guy told me he doesn’t like the way I brush my teeth. He say it’s annoying and told me to brush it his style. I was like *heh* Then I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and I want to end the relationship. Suddenly there was this three of his friends at the back seat of the car. They were making fun of me and said I was being a cry baby. The BF, well ex BF then said I am being selfish.

Then I woke up.
What was that supposed to mean?
Even in my dream, my relationship sucks.

Maybe it was a sign from the universe telling me that I shouldn’t get into a relationship kan? But some people say, dreams mean the opposite thing. *fingers crossed*

Friday Blog

Catfight. Believe you me, I don’t do catfight. So when the director told us that someone reported to the management that we catfight here in the office, I laughed.I laughed and I laughed. It is so ridiculous.

First of all, what is the definition of Catfight?
Catfight is a term for an altercation between two women, typically involving scratching, slapping, hair pulling, and shirt shredding as opposed to punching or wrestling. It can also be used to describe two human females insulting each other verbally or being otherwise nasty to each other. The many ways that women compare themselves to other women and compete with each other are also referred to as catfighting. Catfights are different from other kinds of fights involving women because they usually involve competition between two or more women, usually over men.
(Source: Wikipedia)

I don’t scratch, slap nor do I pull hair or shred shirts. What more punching or wrestling. Insulting each other verbally or being nasty? I swear I don’t but maybe I’ve deleted it from my memory bank. But whatever it is, the allegation is baseless.

Some people really have nothing to do.

However, I do agree that some people are a little overboard with their sarcasm BUT I think the sarcasm didn’t sink in so it’s not biggie. Unless they pretend not to understand in front of us but complain to the boss behind our back. Which means, they did feel the heat larr. *hmmm*

Seriously people, this office politics sucks big time. I don’t know who to listen and believe anymore. Saddest thing is, I am accused of things that never even crossed my mind. I know it’s lonely out there but it is really necessary to drag everyone with them?

Someone seems to think that we are ganging up on her because we are jealous of her. *rolls eyes* Oh please la. I got so many things to do with my time e.g. sleep than to plan for her destruction. The paranoia happens because she’s the one who’s badmouthing about everyone else and will do anything to make sure she looks good in front of everyone else. I seriously do not care if she wants to be on top but please stop hallucinating because it is just pathetic.

Few nights ago, I met up with some old friends. I never realised how much I missed them until I got home. My fault for not trying harder to be a better friend. What I love most about these people are the fact that they are still the same girls I know 13 years ago. I had a wonderful time and I am already looking forward to our next gathering. *does the samba*

Some people really do not get sarcasm do they? Poor poor thing. I didn't know how to react when I received her email.

Noticed you were in a spot of trouble. Here, I’ve whipped up something for you to use.

OMG. She was the one who's in charge of the function. I've asked for the photo to send the photo release but that didn't happened. When the management questioned us this morning, my colleague jokingly blamed me but her sarcasm was for that person who didn't do her job. Not long after that I received the above email from her.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to strangle someone. I wanted to do all the above. If she already did the press release, then why didn't she send it herself or at least forward them to me yesterday?

Thank goodness tomorrow is a holiday. I don't know what I'll do if I have to go through another day of this. I'd probably attack everyone with the hot glue gun.

confused@work

I didn’t realize the email was forwarded to the wrong person. *bangs head on wall* What was I thinking? I must be losing my mind for being so bloody careless. Oh well. It is done. I think I did a good job trying to cover it up but knowing him, I am very sure he will use it against me if not today surely sometime soon.

I am so quick to lose my temper these days. What is the matter with me?

I received the forwarded emails of the late Nurin’s post mortem photos. I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. The photos is not ours to see. It’s too personal. It’s already terrible for her to go through what she went through but even after her death, she is not left to rest in peace. When I commented this, someone emotionally blamed the cops or those who did the autopsy for taking the photos and circulated it through email. She claimed it is irresponsible and disgusting thing to do but she herself forwarded those pictures to her friends.

We always go on blaming everyone else without thinking that we are doing exactly the same.
*sighs* I sometimes wish people will not tell me things so I won't think unnecessarily. The more information I know, the more I want to analyze the situation or understand why people react in such ways. I wish I could turn it off but it is so bloody difficult.

The funny thing is, most time I'd be wondering if the information that I've gotten is reliable.

Must work be so politically stressing? Should I put up a fight? Will I be able to hold my ground? When I questioned, I am not a team player. When I give in, I am an arse kisser. So confusing. It's tiring. It's not funny.

Love in the workplace. Yes or No?

Now, before any of you jump into conclusion, I am not interested with anyone in the office. That Guy is not a fellow colleague. And my infatuation with That Guy IS dying a painfully shy death.
Anyone can/will tell you that I am no love expert. I do not know or understand many things. So people, this entry is purely based on MY personal opinion.

Love is a GOOD thing. I believe love should make you a better person not otherwise. Yes, I do agree that love is something that we are not in control of. It comes and goes without us realizing or asking. Sure it hurts like hell when someone betrays your love or even when your love is unrequited. It sucks but time surely heals.

Now, I have nothing against those who found their other half in the work place. I do however do have a problem with those who needs to show the whole world that they are in love. It’s okay if it doesn’t effect their work performance but when their professionalism is out in the window and people come to me to talk/ask about it, I’d get irritated. And embarrassed which is stupid because I am not the one who is acting like a fool.

The wanting to get his or her attention bit is also annoying. Like, I know you can do it on your own but you pretend that you can’t do it so the other half would fuss over you and all. It’s nauseating. *rolls eyes* Another thing I cannot take is the love song during office hour. Once is too much but to listen to it over and over and over is CRAZY. I had to use all my patience to stop myself from "otromen" these people.

I just think there are certain things you need to keep to yourself and your love life is definitely one of those things. Extra marital affair is a big NO NO to me but some people have no problem parading their affairs with people from the office some more. *tsk tsk tsk* What are they thinking?

I think it’s risky to have a relationship with someone from work. We are all human who are very much influence by our feelings and emotion. I mean, when you see your partner a little friendlier to the opposite sex, don’t you feel a little jealous? Then, when you guys are having a fight, how do you keep yourself from attacking each other when he or she is there?

Btw, don’t you get bored spending 24/7 together?

There is a reason why some corporations do not encourage husband and wife working together. But if you cant help yourself but to fall in love with another colleague, do us all a favor, save those loving for home kay.

Monday already?

Ekiel: What’s your name?
Me: Clara
Ekiel: No. Mommmmy. What’s your name?
Me: Clara
Ekiel: No. Mommmmy. Mommmmy. What’s your name?
Me: Clara
Ekiel: No. Mommmmy. What’s your name?
Me: My name is Clara
Ekiel: Okay la. Clara Mommmmy

The other day in the office, I received an email and my temper rose immediately. I could feel the expression on my face changing. I took deep breaths to calm myself down but it didn’t help to soothe my aching heart. "Wtf? Who do they think I am, their help?" I started typing. I typed and I typed. I wanted to use "colorful" words but sanity told me to be grown up about this. My hands were shaking and my heart was beating so fast. My colleague noticed my shaking hands and she thought I was starving. Heh? I walked out feeling better because although the email wasn’t exactly written the way I really feel, at least I sent it.

Was the matter solved? Obviously it didn’t because some people just refused see the problem.
I don’t understand why the scheduled was scrapped for some people but I still have to do my bit. It’s not like no one was there to accompany the group. There’s three of us and five of them. *rolls eyes* Not only it was unnecessary but it was uncomfortable to witness something I shouldn’t know about.

Not everyone has common sense. A fact I already know, but with everyone reconfirming this lately, I find it scary. Maybe it’s just me. BUT if you want to do what your heart desires, then move to the moon. You labeled yourself as civilized, educated, intelligent, blah blah blah and yet you act like a bloody idiot. Shy only. Now, I know you don’t care what other people say about you, but if you want to order people around, you must earn the respect. The things you’re doing now only make you pathetic.

The other day, a colleague of mine wrote me a note during a meeting when someone wanted to play hero by bragging about his non-existent self and pinpointing everyone else’s mistakes/shortfalls.
Why do we have people like them here on earth?
I wanted to laugh because to many of us, she was one of those "people".
Anyway, I don’t know the real reason but I believe they are put amongst us a reminder not to be one of them.

What do you think?

Meow meow

"Bless me with patience and the wisdom to know better".

I am SO counting for my next vacation. Some people ticked me off so much, I want to "otromen" until they all hangus. *sighs* I know I shouldn’t let them get to me, but damn these people are good. They even haunt my dreams at night.

Last night, my son pretended he was a cat. He made me "meow" with him.

My son was supposed to get a haircut last Sunday. But before we could go in the shop, he refused to go in and started screaming and crying like a mad boy. He told me "No need cut hair". I gave up because many were staring at us like we’re circus clowns. If he wants to have hair like Billy Ray Cyrus during those days, so be it.

I am just tired with people asking me the gender of my son.
But doesn’t he look like a boy?
Even with that long curly hair I think he looks like a boy.
Of course I’m the mommy so what I think is invalid.
*sticks tongue out*

I think my 21/2 year-old son has a future in politics. Why? When we go out, he has a need to approach people especially women/girls. He will go up to them, say hello and shakes their hands. Sometimes he would have one-sided conversation with them. One-sided because the other person does not understand his baby talk. He would go on and on until he’s distracted by other things. He would also wave everyone goodbye especially to cab drivers when we take the cab and expects them to wave him back. When he sees another kid crying, he would go to them and ask, "what happened?" There are times though when he got a new toy or something, he would go up to other kids and say, "It’s mine"

It’s good that he is building his pr skills at a very young age, but there are times when I do not want to mix/mingle with strangers. Once he starts, then I have to give my apologetic smile and that will lead to unwanted conversations. I am a bad person. I know. But sometimes I just want some peace and quiet doing my own thing. Know what I mean?

I am very happy to hear the good news. *yay* Again, I know I am a bad person, but I wish people were more… excited for me. *sighs* I don’t know what I want or expect to happen but it would be nice to be acknowledge like some people. It doesn’t matter larr. This is for my own good anyway, so it doesn’t matter what other people think kan? But I can’t help to wonder how many of them thinks I don’t deserve it.

I can already imagine my mom’s reaction. "Bah, do your best lah". So boring.
*Ughh* I need some excitement in my life or I’ll go insane.

the past week...

I envy those people who could twist other people’s words so they could get what they want. Now, I know it’s not a good thing, but if I can do the same, my life would surely be less complicated.

How can someone so beautiful and survived what she has gone through be so mean and rude? And why do I have to cross path with them so often?

I said “Shouldn’t be a problem but let me check with the management first.” Which part of that sentence that says, “Yes, it’s confirmed so please book your air ticket now”? *rolls eyes*

Last night, after I tucked my son to bed, I heard him breathing heavily. I thought he was having problem breathing. I went to check and I saw him looking at me sadly while trying his best to hold his tears. I asked him what’s wrong and he started sobbing and said “Mommy, sayang (love) me.” It breaks my heart to see my son asking me to love him like that.

I was busy and my mind/attention is elsewhere the past few weeks. I didn’t realize he feels neglected because he is always happy/laughing/mischievous/active so I assumed he is you know, happy. When I am at home, I will normally let him do whatever he wants to do while I’ll do my own thing. Sometimes I forget my life doesn’t revolve around me only anymore. *head hangs in shame*

This morning, he is the same old him. Loud and playful. Every morning we will have this ritual where my son will want to follow me to work, my dad or mom will do the chasing around bit, my son will then change his tactic by wanting to give me a goodbye kiss/hug me and when I give him one, he will not let go. Then one of the parents will have to tug him away and lastly when I finally get into the car, he will wave at me, give me a flying kiss and close the door.

I think this is some sort of a game to him.

In my previous entry, I mentioned about a colleague of mine who was devastated with her break-up with the BF. She went to the extreme by wanting to end her life because she couldn’t take the pain. She has a daughter but she thinks it’s okay to leave her daughter behind because the child’s father (btw, they’re divorced) would take care of her. I am shocked. I don’t know what other people think, but I find it’s stupid. Apparently she did took the pills in front of my other colleagues and now in the hospital still being very stupid.

So sad oh kan how some people are just selfish.
But I must not criticize other people. Who knows what I’ll do during my moment of weakness kan?

The funny thing is when my colleague tried to calm her by using me as an example “It’s not easy for her too. She’s a single mother like you but she enjoys her single life”. Her respond was “I’m not strong like her”. If she only knew what I feel/think sometime. Maybe I should get her to read my blog. *sticks tongue out*

But I must say this to all men.
If you’ve already dumped the girl, NEVER sleep with her again be it for good times sake kah, one for the road kah, or whatever idiotic reasons you can come up with. It’s NOT NICE. And if you did, NEVER tell people that you slept with her because she wanted it. Seriously? Have you no brain? *tsk tsk tsk*

When I got home yesterday, my son pretended he was a dog. He was on his knees, barking and pretended his hands were paws and used it to rub his face. You know, like a dog. He also rubbed his face on my legs. Hee. Sometimes I don’t know what is going on in that little head of his.

my break up

Doc: What makes it difficult? Is it the boy or the relationship?
Me: The boy definitely.

No, I wasn’t seeing a shrink or a counselor. I was with the Resort’s doctor after experiencing giddiness, itchy nose/throat/ears, difficulty to sleep and sharp pains in my tummy for the past few days. I also developed an allergy reaction to a necklace that I have been wearing for almost a month. The Doc said I am showing symptoms of the flu and prescribed me almost the whole pharmacy and rescheduled me to come back for a full check-up for another a personal matter.

This about to happen flu explains my cranky and moodiness for the past few days. Maybe I am naturally a b**** but this is what the Doc said. If you’re wondering the connection of the above question and my check-up, he was trying to find the source of my stress. Hee.

I watched The Break-Up last night. I don’t know why but the movie reminded me of one of my previous relationship. It didn’t happened exactly like the movie but it just brought back memories.

Gary was somewhat like X. I invested a lot of time and effort into the relationship but he just takes thing for granted. He was brought up that way but OMG, the world doesn’t revolve around him only right? I cannot remember what is it about him that made me stay that long but the last straw was when I waited for him at the movies for two hours! He then had the nerve to tell me to stop my sulking because he doesn’t like it. Fyi, I was very upset but I wasn’t sulking. I just didn’t say a word to him because if I do, it will only be an argument.

So the next day I told him to take a hike. Well, I emailed him actually. *whistles* I told him it will never work but let’s just stay as friends. A week later, he called me up and invited me out. As friends. So I agreed. I got a very rude surprise when he introduced his new girlfriend to me. I admit I was shocked, a little upset and pissed off when he keeps telling me his new three-day old girlfriend is a successful lawyer, more beautiful and a better girlfriend. Fyi, my loyal friends assured me I am far better than that girl. *LOL*

Anyway, after a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. I know I dumped him but I still do care (at that moment) for that idiot. I lose my cool and broke down. He saw that I was upset and INSISTED that we talk. Like hello, you pull this kind of stunt and you still wanna talk? I told him to go away but he physically forced me to go with him. I started screaming and the next thing I know I went berserk. I went on and on about the things he did and didn’t do. Told him that my friends think he’s useless but I defended him because underneath all that laziness and irresponsibility, I see a man who can be anything he wants to be.

I also told him I am sorry I am not successful, beautiful and good enough for him. Though this was alcohol talking I still regretted for telling him that because that is so not true. Right? I mean, when I think about it later he was the one job-hopping and drunk/stoned every night. He was the one not successful, beautiful or good enough for me.

I don’t know what was he thinking at that very moment. Maybe he was thankful that he broke up with a crazy woman *LOL* He apologized for being an arse and I apologized for being lunatic. We later had beer and everything was okay. After that incident, we still remained as friends. For a while. Then I got tired of his bad habits and his whining about the miseries in his life.

Oh yeah, that new girlfriend of his, he dumped her two days later. She was upset with him because that night, he left her with his friends while he hang out with me for the rest of that night. *evil laugh*

So, that was my first (and hopefully) last public argument. So embarrassing. I know. I used to roll my eyes when I see couples fight in public. *head hangs in shame* Anyhoo, I do not recommend it to anybody because what I remembered most that night wasn’t only my screaming, but also the stares of other people like I was their freak show.

Anyway, yes, when I saw the movie last night, it reminded me of that relationship. The only relationship I put so much effort in but at the end I just have to let it go. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s as simple as that.

twoinone entry

Thursday
Help.
I am drowning with work.
The funny/stupid thing is, I am busy helping other people doing their tasks.
I made a sarcastic remark about it but no one cared.

Today, all my work was left untouched while they are people who take all the credit for the work we (my other colleagues and I) do for them. Since I work late today, I am allowed to take half day off tomorrow but because I need to finish the work that I didn’t do today, I still have to come to work tomorrow morning because tomorrow afternoon I need to go out to the office and play Santa and in the evening I need to entertain some people. *woohoo*

Am I productive or what? Considering my PC died and I have to make do with available PCs, of course the good thing is, those available PCs are way more high-tech then my dead PC.

I am worried about my abusive two-year old son. My mom and I have enough bruises to press charge him in court. The other night my son scratched my face when I wouldn’t stop tickling him. I actually bleed a little. Then two nights ago, he threw a book at me and it hit me in the eye. My eye swelled a little. Last night, he made me his personal radio. He would pinch my nose and demanded me to sing as per his request. He will pinch and make me change song every 30 seconds. When I told him to cut it out, he pinched my nose harder.

These are only a few of the many things he did. If I tell you every single thing he did, you would shake your head and wish me good luck. *sighs* If he doesn’t change his ways as he get older, someone is so going to a seminary or military school.

Saturday
Friday was a crazy day. I finished work at 10pm. WE organize a get together with the press for Breaking of Fast. The funny thing is, it’s not even my thing but I ended up organizing and hosting it. Though the whole thing was a mess, and only two reporters came, at least it was done and there’s a guaranteed article in the newspaper.

I went out with some friends last night. Once again I played the listening buddy card. Not that I was interested in anyone in particular. You know what else I noticed last night? I am old. Well, I am the oldest among the friends last night. There was this 22 year old guy who was nursing his broken heart by flirting and later stalking a friend of mine who is 5 years his senior. Another friend was interested in this guy and that guy is 3 years her junior. I am older than all of them.

The only exciting thing happened last night was I lost my voice for unknown reason.
I am still croaky today.

After the get together with the press, we continued talking (or rather I listened more than talking) with another press about many things. We started discussing about another colleague of mine who is having problem accepting that her relationship is over.

Although we have different views on how to handle that colleague of ours, at the end of the day we all agree that matters of the heart are complex. We also agreed that women need to respect and give credit to themselves more. Sure it hurts like hell the first few weeks but it will surely heal. Instead of calling/sms-ing him continuously when he doesn’t bother to reply any of them, I say go pamper yourself. Dress up and go out with friends. Go shopping. Go get a new haircut. No one should make you feel crappy about yourself.

We are independent, educated and successful women. We don’t need a guy to make us feel good about ourselves.

Sadly, there are still many women who think marriage is the only way to measure your accomplishment. They are so caught up in trying to find themselves a husband, they forget the other important things.

Fyi, I don’t have anything against marriage. It’s a good thing. But love yourself first before you go and chase that fairytale romance you always dream about.

Sad sad day.

After tossing and turning endlessly last night, I wish I could continue sleeping instead of dragging my sorry arse to work this morning.

Work isn’t so bad. *does happy dance* Of course there are those ‘headaches” but I am so used to it, it doesn’t bother me that much anymore. It is all part of the work.

“He’s short and plump. Not a candidate to be my boyfriend”.
All I asked was “Who’s XX?”

Sometimes I wonder if I am in a bad dream and I would wake up laughing at the absurdity of some people. Unfortunately this is no dream. There are times when I ask myself why do I bother to mind whatever that comes out from my mouth. I also don’t understand why some people are excused for being silly e.g. making idiotic statements but I am criticized for championing common sense and independence e.g. life goes on with or without a man in my life.

People tell me I don’t understand. Please larr. I understand a lot of things. I just don’t tell the whole world I know everything like some people OR talking about the same subject over and over because that’s the only thing I know. *rolls eyes*

Maybe I am a b**** but there are so many other important things to talk about than the lives of the celebrities or the world of entertainment. Instead of talking about Erra Fazira’s dowry for her second marriage, shouldn’t we worry about the craziness that is happening in our society today?

I received two sad news today. Just last week my colleague was telling me about her 5-month old niece Baby Donna. Today she informed me that Baby Donna had passed away Sunday night due to Cholera. I can only imagine the pain Baby Donna’s parent is going through. When I was still thinking about Baby Donna, I was informed that another colleague of mine had also lost his six-month old baby last night.

I don’t understand why it has to happened but it reminds me how precious time we have with our loved ones.

I have learned to forgive and now I must learn to forget.

I wonder if the world was crying for them last night.

Sunday too short

I am so cranky these days it’s scary.

My son seems to think it’s funny though. He keeps pushing my button and I’ve used up all the patience I have not to hang him upside down from the mango tree. *roars like an angry lioness* Don’t worry people, I was just joking about the mango tree.

It’s Sunday and I am thinking about work. *sighs* I cannot help but to think of the yelling I’m going to get for the delay of those stupid Japanese collateral and the photo frame for the winners. *bangs head on wall* I know I know, I should have been more aggressive in pushing everyone but we are all adults so why can’t everyone be responsible and finish what they’re supposed to do on time and without being force to? With me being grumpy and cranky these past few days it’s very difficult for me to consent the scolding I don’t deserve but surely will get.

You know what I want to do at this very moment?
I don’t. If you do please let me know.

My Land of Ifs is broken. No matter how hard I try to let my mind free, I just can’t do it. I cannot imagine what it would be like when I hit the Jackpot. I cannot imagine the day I get to kick those idiotic people’s arses. I cannot imagine That Guy professing his undying love for me. I try and I try and all I got was a dead tone.

“The Land that you are trying to call is no longer in service. Thank you.”

I am now listening to I Love Your Smile by Shanice. This song reminded me of a boy my friends and I used to stalk. *LOL* He has this gorgeous smile with dimples I just want to lick. Or pinch. He was very shy and we were scary. We would send him messages through his younger brother but he never replies them. *chuckles* We would even follow him around and the more he blushed the more we try to get his attention. We never spoke to that boy and I don’t remember why my friends and I stopped our Saturday evening activity. I wonder what happened to him. Maybe I should try and Google him.

When I think about it, I wonder what happened to me. I used to be very aggressive and I don’t care what happens. Once, my friend and I followed this gorgeous guy around in a shopping mall for an hour or so. We didn’t go talk to him or anything. We were bored and we wanted to see what he was doing. I’m sure the guy knew we were following him around, I mean we were not discreet about it with our loud talking and laughing. We don't giggle, we laughed. Out loud. I swore he smiled when my friend declared that guy has a nice butt. Hee. Those days were fun.

I know I don’t have the guts to do that again. The thought of passing That Guy alone is enough to make my heart go crazy. I think I’d have a heart attack if he caught me looking at him what more to be caught following him around.

Why do we worry too much as we get older?

Happy Saturday!

One after another.
I should have listened to my mom when I was a kid.
*sticks tongue out*

My arse is freezing. Whoever controls the centralized aircond is an idiot. There are days when I can’t breathe because there is no ventilation in this office because the aircond wasn’t switched on. There are also days like today when it is so cold, my fingers hurt when I type.

Thank goodness it’s the weekend. Monday is a public holiday so *woohoo*. I have No plans or whatsoever. No, I am not unhappy about that ya. I am going to hog the remote control and watch TV the whole day. What a joy. Hee.

Have a good one people.

I miss…

• Hanging out with friends after work, drinking glasses and glasses of Teh Ais Limau/Teh Tarik/Iced Milo for hours
• Whining and complaining how life sucks without friends thinking I am being a sadist
• Having friends who would just agree with my criticizing those people who gives me grief although I am the b****y one
• Going out dancing without worrying if I will look out of place among those young things with their tiny clothes
• The arse kicking authentic Penang Char Koey Teow unlike the one fried with soya sauce sold nearby here
• The DELICIOUS Nasi Lemak Petai Udang sold by that Kakak Corner Jalan at PJS 10 every evening
• Or the tasty Nasi Lemak Kerang sold by that Pakcik Kancil Merah at SS6 every morning
• My bad habit
• Having good guy friends who sometimes forget I have boobs and occasionally wears skirts
• Having someone who makes me feel sexy/beautiful even after I ate the whole Dunkin’ Donut shop and I have a gigantic zit on my forehead
• Knowing there is someone wants to share my tomorrows and thinks my eccentricity is cute and not psychotic

I am feeling a lot better. Excuse my insane entry yesterday. I needed to get it out from my chest and blogging is my only source of comfort these days.

It’s crazy considering the people I know and write may stumble upon this blog and read all this. But hey, I mention no names and whatever I have written are truly personal feelings. I still give them the respect and benefit of the doubt every human being deserves no matter how poisonous their lies are or how painful that knife sticking behind my back is.

If you think it is you I am talking about and is upset with what you read, please go away.

If I were a man, I’d go punch someone/something. But because I am a woman, I am only allowed to take deep breathes. Other reactions are considered emotional and weak. How unfair is that?

I hate those who show attitude and temper in the morning. Someone should push them into the sea to chill them out. Push, pull, and repeat until they cool down. On normal days, these people wouldn’t affect me that much. Today, I just want to kick some arse. *beats chest like Tarzan*

You know what else I hate? Hypocrites.

Aquarius.
You can’t shake off your deep feelings today. Deal with them, and they’ll vanish.

Easier said than done my friend.

stupid me

“I thought single mothers are not accepted in Malaysia?”
I was dumbfounded when I heard the question. I couldn’t tell what surprised me more; the question itself or the untactful way the question was asked.

I don’t remember ever being put in the position where I became very defensive about our country. Despite what the other country think about us, I personally feel we are far better off then some of them. Maybe not in terms of technology and development, but at least we value our morality, culture and heritage.

Nevertheless, the foreign journalist was very interesting to talk to.
I think I surprised her when I said I have no plans of migrating overseas because this is my home and my heart is where my family is. Honestly, I surprised myself too. I wonder what happened to those dreams of living in a foreign land meeting new and exciting people every day.

The peace and harmony at my house was disturbed by the lack of Astro. Thing is, a family member footed the Astro bill and apparently the bill is not paid for this month. After the third time, I wonder if this is their subtle way to ask us to pay our own bill. Not that we don’t want to but my mom didn’t want that family member to think we are too proud for “assistance”. She insisted we wait until we are told to pay our own bill, which I personally think is somewhat humiliating. *sighs* It’s not easy to please everyone isn’t it?

I used to hate it when people take pity on my family but I have learned to accept it and return the favor by helping other people.

So what did my family and I do while the rest of Malaysia watched High School Musical 2? We watched one of my sisters played video games. We cheered when she won and mocked her when she lost. The funny thing is, it was kinda fun.

I hate this stupid computer at work. I had to restart the damn thing eleven times today!!! *bangs head on keyboard* I used to joke that when I throw the PC into the sea, those fishes will only laugh at me and throw it right back. I begin to think it may really happen.

How do you explain to someone who doesn’t want to accept the obvious? Call me a b****, whatever, but it’s not my fault if they themselves put ideas into their head.

I just knocked my finger with the large hole-puncher. I think it was a sign for me to stop whining.

--

I wrote the above four days ago but I had problem logging to blogspot. *sighs*
Today is Thursday. I was in good spirit this morning and WAS very optimistic about the tomorrows. I know I am being very immature and idiotic about this but I just cannot help it. I really think I need professional help. Or maybe someone to perform exorcism. I don’t know larr. What is wrong with me? *bangs head on wall*

Btw, my PC finally died and everyone thinks I've gone crazy for celebrating the death of my PC. Of course without a PC I can’t do much but this being a slow month at work and everyone is taking their annual leave, I still have access to the Internet. *claps hand* Yes, and work too of course. *whistles* And no, I have no clue when I will get my PC fixed or replaced. I spoke with the IT guy and he told me to take a number. *rolls eyes* Another good news is my Astro is back on. Apparently that family member already gave the instruction to pay the bill but the driver didn’t do it immediately. The timing couldn’t be perfect because I begin to hate that stupid computer game my siblings play. My son too plays the driving game though he would just let the car run into everything and anything. Hee.

How pathetic can I be? My (social) life depends on paid cable.

Jealousy sucks especially when I am doing all the jealous-ing over the stupidest thing. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Oh well. Maybe I will laugh about this after 10 years but at this moment, I just don’t think/feel I could survive this pain.

Help me.