Mood: Frustrated

I am in an extremely crappy mood today.
*bleargh*
If I could do what my insanity tells me to do, I would tell everyone to go *censored*

Been feeling shitty since last week.
I know I should have gone to see a doctor, BUT… it is very difficult for me to ask for favors from anyone especially after the little speech someone made the other day.
Yes, I am do have my pride, thank you very much.
Unless I am bleeding or in extreme pain (and I have high tolerance for pain), I will then only politely ask someone to send me to the nearest panel clinic/emergency room.

I am irritable and can/will explode over the smallest thing.
Like when two pieces of newspaper went missing this morning. I asked her if she had seen it and she told me no. I SO did not believe her so I went to check her table when she went out for lunch. Guess what? The two missing newspapers are in her cabinet. Coincidence? I think not!
I could/should confronted her but after last week’s episode, I know it will be a waste of effort, time and energy. For all I know she could accuse me of planting the evidence at her place. *rolls eyes* You can never tell with psychos.

My solution? I told the concierge not to send the newspapers anymore. I will personally go and collect them myself.

Why do I have to care so much about missing newspapers?
This is not about the newspapers. It’s about people taking me for granted/treating me like I’m an idiot.

it took me five day to finish this one

"dancing queen, young and sweet only seventeen"

I could hear the audition for the new resident band.
The pub is just four doors away.
How I wish I am there instead.
With one hand in my pocket and the other holding a glass of frozen margarita.

Anyhoo.
TGIF. Time flies when you’re having fun.
*rolls eyes*
Work was a little hectic with all the packing, tagging, running around and "coordination" jobs.
BTW, I think this is one of those few rare weeks where I did not lose my temper or got irritated/agitated. Did I? Hmm… *thinking* *Checking previous entries*

… I was a little upset on Monday for the task at the TM meeting, but that wasn’t really a big deal. *whistles*
Maybe I was wrapped up with work or maybe because those people around me were having a good week as well. Whatever it is, I do not want to jinx it.

Back to my margarita.
Gone were the days when I could party all night on a working day, clock in at work by 8.30am (we start at 9.00am) the next morning and look like I have just walked out of a spa.
Now, I get tired just thinking about it. *LOL*
Even when I get enough eight-hour sleep I still look like s***.
Maybe.
I am getting older.
Maybe not.

Clubbing is not only about getting wasted or collecting phone numbers. *wink* Believe it or not, I learned so much about the people around me and even myself during my ‘clubbing days’. I recognized who MY friends were. I learned to sharpen my senses and instinct as well. It also opened my eyes to… err, a lot of things? *chuckles*

It is also a VERY good exercise with the booty/boobies/fatty-shaking/wobbling.

I met all sort of people in so many ways. Some good, some bad. I learned that people aren’t always what they say they are. Even when their friends vouched for them, it still may not be the truth. *rolls eyes* Looks/first impressions are always misleading and no matter how careful/experienced you are, you can still get yourself hurt. *tear tear*

It’s the same with friends. Some friendships are meant to last longer than the rest. Some vowed they’re your friends forever BUT shit happens. Some friends just slowly disappear, busy with their own world. Nevertheless, I am very blessed indeed when I made few good friends over a jug or two of beer/a bottle or two of JD(s).

Good friends will take care of you WHEN you need to be taken care of. They will not screw you no matter how f***ed up you are. They will hold your hair when you need to throw up in the dirty washroom without being asked to. Good friends will also help you to touch up your make up after a good cry and made sure you arrive home safely even if he or she had to drag you all the way. But most of all, good friends will not take advantage of you no matter the circumstances. I repeat NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

*Flashbacks*

One of the many happy occasions I remembered the most was a birthday celebration for a friend of ours (I can’t remember who! *Errk*) Everyone who mattered (that means the party kaki) were there and there were plenty to drink. We were laughing and dancing. The cute guy whom we drooled over, *ahem ahem* okay larr, I did most of the drooling, was also there with all his sexy eyes and smiles that still make my heart skips a beat or two. *drooling* The DJ was playing all my favorite songs. It was really a good night and everyone was having a good time.

The birthday girl blew out the candles and what started as a friendly cream smudge on her face became a battle of cream/cakes/ice cubes. I managed to avoid being hit by running away because I was smart. *grinning* I managed to do some "damage" by poking my friend’s eye with my creamed (with cake frostings!) finger and believe it or not, my poorly aimed creamed coated caked ended up in a friend’s ear. I ran out of the place and stayed out of everyone’s way when I saw two girl friends of mine running from the pub, to the main road and across the road to the next block of shop houses. The chaser was holding a piece of heavily creamed cake and the one being chased was screaming for her dear life. Well, she was dressed to kill and cream would only ruined her make-up. *LOL* So much for ladylike and elegance. BUT it was fun fun fun.

So many story to tell. Next entry perhaps?

I did have a lot of fun. I’ve done many crazy things. Do I miss those days? Hell yes. Will I do it again? Definitely. Why I don’t go out anymore? BECAUSE I can’t afford it. *LOL* Also because all my party friends have "settled" down or they’re at the other side of the country. That and the fact that I’ve used up all my energy to please everybody, and now I am too tired to do anything anymore, contributed to my new homey personality. *wink* BUT I am looking forward for my trip. Yes. Very excited.

I toasted to new beginnings.
I drowned sorrows away.
I fell in love.
I fell out of love.
I laughed.
I cried.
I celebrated.
I consoled.

Memories. Experiences. Friendship.
I miss the clubbing me.

me no nerd

I couldn’t believe my sister.
Me: … You should go to the libraries and read books...
My sister: I don’t want. I don’t want to be a nerd.

Wtf? I applaud her for never failing to amaze me with all her ridiculous ideas. Her stubbornness deserves a medal too, if only she was fighting for the right battle.

The second sister and I read a lot. Does this mean she sees us as nerds? *shocked* I don’t know about the second sister but I think I am one happening chick. *whistles* I am not saying I am a good role model, but I think we, well at least I am a pretty cool sister. Hee.

The second sister asked me how they (the younger sisters) became so delusional. It’s not so difficult to figure out who the culprits are. The harder bit was to do something about it.

My younger siblings are very lucky if you ask me. My second sister and I are given house chores when we were still in primary schools. Do the dishes, clear the dining table, sweep the floor, babysit the younger ones and cook rice. We had a schedule and we constantly argued about it hoping to get out of our assigned task. Of course that never happened. As we got older, more and more chores were given to us. We had to wash and iron our own clothes. We had to learn to cook – I handled seafood dishes. I even cleaned all those seafood my dad bought from the market! We bathed our younger siblings, feed them and I was also in-charged of the cleaning after the poop because the second sister refused to do it.

I remembered the day I came back from school. No one was home and I found the key my mom hid for me. When I walked in, there was vomit on the floor and on the baby mattress. I knew my baby brother was sick again and they had gone to the hospital. I didn’t know how long would they be in the hospital so I mopped the floor and took the mattress outside and watered it with a hose. The next-door makcik saw me and complimented me for being a good daughter. *ahem ahem* My point is, although I didn’t want to do it, I had to because it was the right thing to do.

Things are different with my younger siblings. My mom does everything for them. Thank goodness they don’t need to be fed, bathed or cleaned anymore. *rolls eyes* They don’t even bother to wash their own plate and spoon although the utensils they used are the only thing in the sink! *sigh* When you tell them to do certain house chores, they tell you later, and that later never come. Or they will start to b**** and that irritates the hell out of my mom and my mom will do the chores herself. I used to do the same until I realized it was their plot to avoid the chores. I am SO not going to fall for it again.

Once upon a time, I too used to be a kid/teenager. I do know many things about peer pressure and disappointments. I remember when I was ten year old, my friends were drooling over this character called Sierra from a TV show (can’t remember what). I have never watched it for reasons I cannot remember. They were talking about it every day all the time. I didn’t want to be left out so I made sure I watch and memorize the show even when I find the show boring. *LOL*

I realized the world has changed. The pressure to be "perfect" is much greater with constant reminders taunting you from everywhere. Even at my age, I still feel the need to oblige the society’s demands. I am just worried to see kids today who are so wrapped up in their own "media-influenced" world, they forget or refused to see reality.

They prefer MTV to TVIQ. They prefer My Super Sweet Sixteen than Sweet Valley Twins. They prefer low cut jeans than pretty dresses. They prefer sms-ing/chatting/on the phone with their friends than talking to their own family. Their general knowledge is also an embarrassment. They know so much about the entertainment industry but so little about their own country.

I tried talking to them but they just irritate me with their idiotic responses. I wish I could smack some senses into them but they are pretty strong and could easily getaway. Bribing only works temporary. My mom has given up hope. I seriously ran out of idea.

I am worried they will grow up as simpletons and not like Paris Hilton (you have to admit she markets herself profitably). I hope they will get out of this "phase" soon enough.

grinning like an idiot

It’s funny how one insignificant news could change your day.
I was having my “I am bored-sleepy-lazy plus giddy” day.
You know, my everyday routine. *whistles*
Today was a little warm.
I swear they shut the air-cond down just for the fun of it.
I was perspiring underneath my thick and out-of-fashion uniform.
It was after five.
I was getting restless and I desperately need to go back and watch TV but I must finish editing those photos first.
My colleague started talking about the supernatural events that happened/is happening in the office.
I was intrigued.
I only need to edit few more photos.
I got mail.
I looked at the sender’s name while listening and editing my photos in between.
It was a good friend.
Subject : xxx.
Another forwarded email I thought.
I browsed the email quickly.
They heard whispers and noises.
Wait.
Who he what?
I go through the email again.
My colleague's babbling became a blur.
Finished the last photo.
He didn’t?
*grinning*
No way.
Replied email.
*still grinning*
Responded to my colleague appropriately.
*still grinning*
Switch the computer off.
*still grinning*

It feels really good when “someone from the past” asked about you.
Hee.
Fyi, I am still grinning after four hours and counting.
A natural high.

Fooled again.

I don’t know what happened but my friend volunteered me for another task at the TM meeting this week. Again. I was busily editing my photos in the computer when she walked in and told me I need to volunteer myself this week. Instead of telling her to jump off from the top floor, I told her “Okay larr if no one else can do it.” *banging head on wall* I SO hate this side of me.

I was the timer in last week’s meeting. It was a little frustrating at first when the indicator light was no where in sight and I had to make do by knocking a glass of water when the time is up. After I finished explaining my task and trying to knock ‘loudly’ on the glass, the KK TM member gave me colored cards instead because no one could hear my knocks. She then told me to start again just in case some people get confused with those cards. *rolls eyes* If they don’t get it, then they seriously have a problem.

While I was explaining those damn cards, the indicator light was delivered safely. Thank goodness they didn’t ask me to start over again. My happiness didn’t last very long when the stop light didn’t functioned as it should be. *sigh* Is it a sign from the universe? Then the engineering guy came and solved my problem. *clap clap clap* So clever.

This week, I am the Table Topic person. All I need to do is ask questions and pick whoever I dislike and make them answer my questions. *evil laugh* It is a pretty easy task if you ask me, but I just don’t want these people to use me as replacement whenever they could not find someone to do the tasks. They better put a good word in my appraisal next month. *whistle*

From what I hear and observe, my journey with this company would be a complicated one with a lot of arse kissing. Yes, I do condemn arse kissers, but I learned if I can’t beat them, I might as well TRY to be like that. I can play the game too you know. Besides, I need a job promotion and an increment.

Life is not cheap and money does not grow on trees.

Evaporated creative juices

After attending my Creative Writing Class, I realized I am just an ordinary writer. Not that creative after all.
*sigh*
The evidence.

Re-write the following sentences in your creative style (something like that larr) Blue is my answer. In red is the lecturer's.

1. Look morning is here.
- It’s another beautiful morning
~ Watch as Mother Nature slowly but surely lifts her black veil over the horizon, exposing the morning sun yearning to break free.

2. Watch the daylight clear the dark sky
- Celebrate the colors of the universe as daylight creeps over night
~ Watch as the piercing sunray melts the cover of darkness like butter to a flame

3. Look, a leaf is falling down being blown by the wind
- The leaf dances with the wind, celebrating a full life and another new beginning
~ Watch as a leaf detach itself from its host and glide down on cushion of whispering breeze

4. Smell the wet grass which is newly mowed
- Smell the sweet fragrance of nature as they mow the wet blanket of earth
~ Smell the aroma of freshly cut grass bathed by the softness of the morning dew

5. Listen to the sounds being made by the birds in the morning
- Listen to the birds as they sing songs of praises of another new beginning
~ Listen as the birds cheerfully greet the morning sun in a multitude of chatters only they understand

Oh dear. MY only explanation is, I don’t function very well in the mornings. HA.

Belated pictures II

Some of the pictures from my Beluran trip. Click on the Beluran link (on your right) for more pictures.

Kayang-kayang (scarecrow the kampung version)

My sister and the langsat trees
The South China Sea


Durians... lots of durians!


my first encounter with the bambangan tree

Belated pictures

It is difficult to post pictures these days. *sigh* downloading what I can

the boys enjoying their dessert



this was dessert



Hafiz slurrping his soup






me and the boys
Ikmal loved his soup



the Akmal & Ali Cafe
the happy boys

Guna jari pun boleh...

"I’ll decide my table arrangement once he decides his. I SO do not want to sit facing him again"
I turned around only to find his face 3 feet away from mine. I could feel myself blushing with embarrassment and how I wish I could fly to Lala Land and hide my head under my pillows made out of white puffy clouds. *banging head on table*

If you know me, you know I have a thing about people looking/staring at me for more than 30 seconds. Eye contact during a conversation I can handle. Not while me busy blogging/checking my msgs during office hours and of course, working. *ahem* Even with my eyes glued to the computer screen, I could still feel the staring and the watching. Don’t know why larr. I am that conscious. It’s not him (my manager), it is just something I am not comfortable with. I used to have my own room/space so yes I am spoilt! Ha.

I spent about RM200 on my hair. My mom and second sister do not understand how could I spend so much on myself. WELL… how am I supposed to explain to them the instant boost of confidence I get when I see my beautiful hair *wink* in the mirror? How do I explain that ‘proud’ feeling I get or the fact my face lit up automatically when someone commented how look I good with my beautiful hair? Call me vain but it FEELS SO BLOODY DAMN GOOD.

*sigh*

I needed this self-pampering. I am so sick with all the drama of these terrible actors/actresses that think the world is jealous of them and punishing them by making their life miserable. I am tired pretending I am fine and trying to please everyone. It’s really frustrating when I can only imagine hurling them with a heavy object when they start to annoy me. *grrr*

Starbucks finally opened not one but TWO outlets in KK (and eight more to open soon). *woohoo* I finally had my Ice Blended Mocha last night after months of cravings. It was good and I felt better too just hang out on a Friday night with friends. I wanted to take some shots but I am so shy. *whistles* The next time larr. Even if I did, I couldn’t post it here because I somehow could not upload any pictures now. I don’t know why and I have given up hope trying to figure it out.

We have also moved to the new office. The new place is a lot bigger than the old one. Sure I like it here, but the only problem is it is so far away from everyone else. To get my boss’ signature I need to walk up. To fax a document I need to walk up. To go to the storeroom I need to walk up. *sigh* Welcome to my life.

a short one

I wish I have extra pairs of hand or maybe an extra mind so I could blog and work at the same time. *sigh* I used to handle a lot more work than this but of course I have no idea what a blog is back then. There are so many things I wanna blog about but I am too busy or too tired to think. Oh well.

Short re-cap of the past week.

My trip to my mom’s hometown was a good one. The place changed so much it didn’t look like a kampung anymore. A kampung should look like the pictures in the book. You know wooden houses, paddy fields, etc. Instead you have big brick houses with Astro dishes and few 4WD parked in their garage. A little disappointing but hey, I can’t stop them from improving their lifestyles can I? The roads, oh they finally have tarred roads too! *clap clap clap* I remember the bumpy/muddy rides before and it was really a pain in the arse. *wink*

I finally get to see the langsat/rambutan/durian/tarap/bambangan trees during the fruit season. All those fruit peeking out from the branches was… exciting. *whistles* I am so the very jakun aren’t I? I also had my first taste of fruit picking in the fruit orchard. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. It was hot, tiring, sticky, muddy and itchy affair. Those jungle mosquitoes were SO huge, I was actually afraid of them! They feasted on my arms and legs and I had over 40 itchy mosquito bites. It was crazy. I also managed to get a tan. *lol* Weird but true.

We went to the jetty to get fresh seafood and it was also different from what I remembered. One thing remains the same is the wooden dock (not sure if I am using the right terminology here) that connects the jetty and those fishing boats – does that make sense? ANYWAY the wooden thing didn’t looked too safe and it actually wobbled so I stayed put while my mom, grandma and youngest sister went to towards the end to pick live tiger prawns for dinner. I was actually afraid they would end up in the sea especially when I heard cracking sounds from the dock. At one point, my mom actually squatted down because she was feeling a little sick in the stomach. Hee. Then my grandma told us about a month ago, one of the wooden dock collapse and six people were injured because of the fall. *gasp* Now she tell us. I’m sure the fall was painful as the ground was full with seashells.

The long holidays came and went, and I am missing it terribly.

I dragged myself to work imagining how terrible it would be. It sucked but not too bad until we were told to vacant our office ASAP and move to the dungeon below far far away from civilization. *banging head on the wall* In my previous company, we moved to 4 different offices! Here, though this is my first, my department has already moved numerous times and this may not be the last move. *sigh*

Another irritating news I got was my manager volunteered me to take up a task in the next TC meeting. Wtf? I am not even a member and I only attended the meeting once. They have over 40 members and he had to volunteer me. When I confronted him, he said I was very interested about joining the club. *roll eyes* What did he expect me to do? Tell everyone at the meeting that I think I wasted my time attending it? Crazy.

Why do some people think they are doing us a favor when all they do is make our life more miserable?

dinner with the boys

We hosted a charity break fast with an orphanage from Kota Belud last night. After the whole annoying and frustrating episode "Hey Coordinator, why don’t you know how to do it", the whole night went well. Personally I think the children could enjoy themselves more if these people put some thought into their plan.

Anyway, when they arrived and got down from the bus, we were surprised to see all of them were boys. Hee. An information they (our hotel organizing team) forgot to tell us. It was embarrassing especially when one of us asked one of the boys where are all the girls. *LOL* Why didn’t she figure it out?

They looked as if someone had forced them to attend the function. Hee. The younger ones looked tired and sleepy from the 11/2-hour journey they took to get to the hotel. My boss and I sitting on the same table tried breaking the ice by asking them questions but most of them looked at us like we had just lost our mind. I bet some of them wish they were in a different table. I then tried the make-a-joke approach. Apparently, it only works on certain people. But I am so not going to give up. Hey, kids love me. I got a reputation to look after.

Me: Jangan takut bah. Saya tidak makan orang / Don’t worry I don’t eat small children.
Boy: …
Me: Kau lapar sudah?
Boy: …
Me to my boss: Err, no response from this one.
Me: Berapa umur kau? /How old are you?
Boy: …
Me: Bah, tidak apa lah. Nanti ko minum ni air bandung, tidak pandai berhenti kau bercakap nanti. Jaga. Habislah kau nanti bercakap saja. Saya tidak mau layan oh / It’s okay but once you drink the syrup, you won’t be able to stop talking and by then I am not going to talk to you.
Boy: (He gave me a half a smile)

Oh well, it was a good sign. I am also proud to say that our table is the most loud and fun table. We laughed and talked and other kids from other tables were looking at us wishing they were with us instead. I am pretty sure of that. Hee.

Two eight year olds captured my heart last night. Iqmal & Hafiz. Though they were shy and you could hardly hear them mumbling at first, but towards the end of the night, their true energetic and cheeky personality begin to show. It’s a shame they had to leave already by then.

I realized/learned that there are so many things in life I take for granted. Broccoli - these kids never seen/hear or tasted broccoli before. Brown sugar – One boy don’t understand why after three packets of brown sugar the coffee is still bitter and they were fascinated with the color when my boss pour it onto a plate for them to see. Chicken broth – Ikmal loves it so much, he had three bowls and left his main dish untouched. Desserts – I bet this is their favorite part of the menu. They were drooling over the chocolate cakes and the mini grape muffin thingy and kept stuffing their already full mouth until the entire desert disappeared.

They entertained us more than we entertained them. I pray that each of them will lead a good life. Though I may never see them again, I will always remember them as the boys who thought we dyed the cauliflower green.

the delayed post

Am I really a bad mother?
My mom seems to think I am. Now my grandma probably think I am too. *sigh* She left for her China trip this morning. Her reminder of things to do and not to do, and about Ekiel before she left somewhat pisses me off especially when it is done in front of my grandma whom I know thinks I am a complete failure/embarrassment to the family.

"Don’t oversleep" "Make sure Ekiel wears warm clothes when it is raining" "Make sure you take care of him" "I feel so guilty leaving him now" I know she meant well, I keep telling myself that. It still hurt to think she thinks I am not capable of taking care of my own child and I do not care/love my son as much as her. *sigh* Maybe I am over emotional. I think it is sad that my mom (or anyone) underestimate my love for Ekiel.
Oh please give me the patience and the strength to hold on.

I called my brother to check on Ekiel and he told me he didn’t give Ekiel his bottle because Ekiel did not ask for it. WTF? My son had his last bottle at 7.30 this morning! I told my brother to feed Ekiel around 11am-nish. My mom is so going to tell everyone I starve her grandson even though it is not my fault. She will say a good mother will think/remember her kids even when she is busy saving the world. *sigh*

Please, please give me extra extra doses of patience. And I could use some now.

It’s Friday but my morning was a little shitty. Already a little upset with the above incident, she has to agitate me too. *banging head on the wall* She can say whatever she want because I just don’t care anymore, not that I can do anything about it. It is so very the obvious she is the one with the problem. She claims she is the victim. *rolls eyes* Many others are having problem working with her. Obviously the owners of the butt she kisses has no complains *rolls eyes* I SO HATE the double standard. I wish I could make her disappear whenever she is having one of her moods. She isn’t that bad really, it’s just when she is in her b**** mode she is a pain in my butt.

---
When I got home, the house was in a mess and the dishes in the sink were full. *banging head on wall* I don’t understand why no one is bothered with all the clutter. If I could, I would have grabbed my son and run out of there as fast as I could. But Noooo… I actually wash all the dishes and made my younger sister to clean up the living room mess – all she did was move the mess from the floor to the table/sofa. *tsk tsk tsk* Before, when I tried to teach Ekiel to put away his toys properly, my mom/sisters laughed at me. Now he is more stubborn than before and putting away his toys is not in his to-do list. Never will.

I am feeling much better today. I had a good sleep and a normal dream. Normal because the dream I had the night before was SCARY.

It started with me and my sister going in a shop looking for something I cannot remember. In the shop I met some friends whom I have not met in a very long time. Then I remember wanting to go to a shopping complex and there were a few drug addicts hanging around the side door entrance area. So I walked past them as quickly when one of them started to chase after me. I tried to run when I suddenly realize that I was in a car.
I didn’t see the guy’s face but in my heart I know this guy and I was somewhat afraid of him – let’s call him PDS (Psychotic Driving Stranger). So, we were driving through a housing area. It suddenly hit me that PDS was taking me to his house and I do not want that. So I told him, well it was more screaming, "I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE DAMNIT. IF YOU MAKE ME I AM GOING TO JUMP OUT OF THE CAR." And to stress that point, I opened the car door (which I will SO not do in reality). PDS tried to close the door back and driving the same time when he almost hit something. He slowed down the car and that’s when I took the opportunity to run away. So I ran towards this alley and PDS was screaming demanding I go back (– why would I be so stupid to go back to him) and he drove his car away. I knew he was going to wait for me the end of that alley, so I ran towards the opposite direction. Am I smart or what?

The funny thing is, while I was running away from PDS, I realized I was running with no shoes on. What happened to my shoes? I was like "Where the f*** is my shoes?" "Damnit." But I keep on running anyway because running barefooted isn’t as bad as going back to PDS’ house. So I was running and running until I reach a gated area. I didn’t know what to do when suddenly a lady with a kid came out of no where with the keys to the gate. I remember it was a very shinning silver key. She unlocked the gate and I followed her home. I remember locking her front door and I felt really safe. That’s when I woke up.

---
When my mom came back from China, she managed to criticize and piss me off three times within less than ten hours and I was sleeping six out of that ten hours. *sigh* Before she knew what’s going on/what happened, she already criticize me in front of my other relatives. I know she loves all of us the same, but there are times when I wonder why is she attacking me all the time. Even when she is upset with my sister she let it out on me. If I could I would have just packed our stuff and move out. IF only it is that easy. *sigh*

I know I am not the daughter everyone wants to have. Only God knows how much grief I have given her. If I could, I would change all that. I really do. Now, I am just so tired making sure everyone is happy.

I need a good hug.

Aunt Mary

I do not know how to deal with death. The not knowing what to expect after you die and the thought of not being with my loved ones scares the shit out of me.

When I was hospitalized for broken leg years ago, a young child in the children ward died. I could still remember the crying, the screaming and the small lifeless body wrapped with a sarong carried out of the ward by the father. I still shudder when I think about it. I slept with my parents for two months before they make me move back to my room. I was ten years old and I was so afraid to die. Even now, when I “accidentally” think about it, I still couldn’t handle it.

My dad’s eldest sister, Aunt Mary, is single and living with my other unmarried (Aunt Daisy) & widowed (Aunt Jacinta) aunts. It all started two Fridays ago with a call from my sister while I was doing my grocery shopping with my mom. Aunt Mary nearly past out and Aunt Daisy called asking my dad to send her to the hospital as none of them knew how to drive. So, we went to see her but she refused to go to the hospital. Aunt Mary is suffering from psychological problem. It started 17 years ago and it happened so sudden that most people suspect it has to do with black magic. She kept herself away from everyone soon after as she can be difficult when she wants to and that night was one of those nights.

Last Sunday, I took Ekiel to visit them. I didn’t see Aunt Mary because she was resting in her room. I asked Aunt Daisy how was Aunt Mary doing and she said she is fine. We thought it was just some virus. Later, 1am, Aunt Daisy called my dad again. She said Aunt Mary is weak and pale. My dad and my sister went over and she refused to go to the hospital and even scolded the doctor who came to see her. My dad and sister came home when Aunt Mary says she is feeling better and wants to go to sleep.

5.30am, another call from Aunt Daisy. Aunty Mary is sick again. My dad was about to leave when Aunt Mary called saying it was false alarm. My dad then sends my brother to school as usual when Aunt Daisy called again. She said Aunt Mary is not doing very well and could leave us anytime soon. Later she called to say she thinks Aunt Mary is gone. My sister picked up the call. When she told me, I literally jumped off the bed. I mean, she was doing okay yesterday, and now she’s gone? I didn’t know how to tell my dad. I didn’t know what to feel.

I remember Aunt Mary as the kind aunty who always makes me and my sister fashionable clothes (she’s a seamstress), gives us pocket money and buys us KFC which was a treat for us. After she gotten “sick”, I hardly see her and even when I do, it’s usually just “Hello Aunty” and that’s that.

When my dad got home, I told him about Aunt Daisy’s last call. I knew my dad was upset because he was laughing nervously saying he couldn’t carry Aunt Mary to bring her to the hospital. That’s his way to cover his feeling. So I offered to go with him because I felt it was somewhat my responsibility to be there.

I tried to think of what to say to my dad when we were in the car. I was still trying to figure out how to feel so I kept my mouth shut. I admit I was a little scared because I didn’t know what to expect. So I say a silent prayer that everything will be okay.

When we got there, the whole place was quiet. My Aunt Mary’s body lay lifeless on a mat. She died in her sleep. I still didn’t know what to do. My dad wanted to bring the body to the hospital. When their relatives came, my dad was told to go make a police report instead.

I followed my dad to make the police report. I thought I could make myself useful like filling in a form or something. When we reach the police station, the cleaner was cleaning the so-called report desk. The police just ignored us. He even had the nerve to check the 4D results in the newspaper. I wanted to slap him so bad. After what felt like forever, he told us to come back after 2pm to collect the official report. We went back to my aunts’ place. While waiting for the morgue’s van to pick the body up, my grand-aunty and aunties came. Suddenly my Aunt Daisy burst into tears. Then I saw my dad wiping his eyes.

Later that night, we (with my sister and brother) went to the morgue for prayers. We went to see my late Aunt Mary’s body that was placed in a glass coffin. It’s like nothing had happened and she was just sleeping peacefully. That night was also the first time I met my dad’s relatives. I didn’t even know they existed before. I thought it was just them and that’s it. It’s weird how Aunt Mary’s death brought us all together. Even their family friends whom they have not met for years were there.

The next day we gathered at the morgue again for some prayers. After they moved her body into the coffin, reality suddenly hits me. We will never see her again. Flashbacks of those happier times I spent with her came back to me. I was overcome with this huge sadness. I know she is in a better place now. She had suffered long enough. I was just sorry that her life wasn’t an easy one. I felt bad I didn’t make the effort to spend time with her after she has gotten “sick” because I was afraid. I could have done so much and now it is too late.

I pray for her soul and that she may forgive me for the things I’ve done and haven’t done. May she rest in peace with God in heaven. We will miss you...

Buah Buah Malaysia

Tarap. Langsat. Rambutan. The durian "vanished" before I could take some picture.

I don't remember when I started writing this entry

A storm is brewing outside. <- Err, I am not sure if this is the correct terminology. *whistle*
It’s like watching National Geographic on a kick arse giant TV screen. I wonder if the wind could literally blow my skinny friends off the ground like in the cartoons. *thinking* I bet it could.

I wish I wish the government would announce 23 Oct as a public holiday *keeping whatever I can cross crossed* I’d get to save my annual leave for something else. Oh please make me a happy woman. Hopefully I get to balik kampung and shamelessly pick fruits from my grandma’s fruit orchard just like how they describe it. I was never around during the fruit season and I haven’t been back to my grandma’s place for 14 years. There is ALWAYS an excuse. I will try my very best to go back this year. Partly because my mom is worried my grandma thinks we don’t love her anymore and because I GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO. It is more about the latter.

I’ve been having weird + sentimental dreams for the past few days. *sigh* The only socializing I do. *lalala* I do miss having someone BUT. Oh well.

###

They did announce 23 Oct as a public holiday but it is ONLY FOR THE GOVERNMENT SERVANTS. Wtf? Can they do that? Can they? *sigh* I also heard a rumor that the management may make us work Saturday and replace the public holiday on Monday. *hmm* I guess if I were to look at it from a somewhat positive angle, I only have to work half a day instead of the whole day. Not too bad if you ask me. I’ve learned to make the best of out the circumstances and move on. Please let the rumor be true…

*yawns* I am so damn sleepy. I could not sleep last night so I played Midnight Pool on my mobile. I think I slept after 1am. Then 5am, I had to wake up to give Ekiel his medication. Medication time is never easy. Then he wanted my mom, so I tried going back to sleep. Around 7am, I asked my sister if she is taking the bus to work and she is. So I took my time to get ready for work. Around 8am, my mom told me to hurry it up because there were no buses and my sister needs a ride to work because she starts work at 8.30am. *sigh* I had to skip half of my morning rituals and that includes coffee. No wonder I am so "bleargh".

It’s after lunch and I still feel "bleargh". I just want to go home and hang out with my son. He is so much fun to be with compared to some of these people. He is learning to talk and it is cute how he tries to imitate whatever you say. We sang the McD’s theme song yesterday on our way home. He only did the ending bit – "pappa". Hee. Last night we went to see the doc for his diarrhea. He was walking around like he owns the clinic. For the first time, he actually let the nurse take his temperature. When he saw me taking his medicine, he said "Ooh Oh" and quickly covers his mouth. The nurse laughed at him. Adorable huh? Well the nurse did not see him screaming for his life when I fed him the medicine ten minutes later! Even my cousin was stunned to see my mom and I grabbing Ekiel and forcing the medication down his throat. It is for Ekiel’s own good. He has mild asthma and he needs his medication. *sigh* If you’re in the neighborhood and you hear wailing, crying and screaming (Ekiel & mine), don’t be alarmed. That would be just me trying to feed Ekiel his medication.

I had a pretty interesting conversation about "life’s privileges" during lunch just now. Honestly, I admit I was taken aback with what I heard. Though I believe everyone is entitled to his or her personal opinion, I never imagine that coming from them. I do not and will not judge them based on what they think for they are one of the nicest bunch of people I know.

I cannot explain why I think the way I think or why I am the way I am. It’s like asking The King of Pop why is he so weird. Err... something like that larr. I am not saying I am perfect because we all know I am not. *rolls eyes* I’m just saying we are so different, sometimes I wonder if I belong in their "world". Sometimes I wonder what will happen once they discover what I really think or how I really feel. *Errk* It is difficult to pretend certain labels/words/action doesn’t hurt me, but I am so numb, most times I forgot how to feel. Experiences taught me by keeping my mouth shut I will never hurt anyone and life would be so much easier. I don’t know how. It just works that way.

Sino what?

Spoilt. Pampered. Disrespectful. A pain in the arse. Arrogant.
Kids today. They think they understand/know life. HA.

I know life is shitty. Been there, done that. I am pretty sure I have gone through a more horrifying experience but I do not use it an excuse to be a brat. *sigh* I do try my best not to get involve, but there is such a thing as TOO MUCH. In my head, I am kicking & shaking some sense into her and scream "THE WORLD IS BIGGER THAN YOU THINK AND IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, DAMNIT." I still don’t understand why my mom/dad tolerates it. If I were to retaliate like that those days, I would surely get a good beating. Oh please don’t let Ekiel be like that when he is in his teens.

The creative writing class was okay. It wasn’t as bad as I imagine it to be. The so-called lecturer is a funnyman with a colorful personality. We had to read our writing for the whole class to hear and I was shaking with nervousness. Yes, I was really shaking and my heart was beating so fast, I thought it would run into hiding. It was really a shame considering there were only five of us in the class, including the so-called lecturer. *tsk tsk tsk* I can never get over my fear of public speaking. If I were more confident of myself, I would become a social activist fighting the rights for those in need. Again, "if I were larr."

Last night my grandparents came over with loads and loads of fruits. *yummy* They’re here for the China trip. I admit I am much more interested in the fruits then them *whistle* but hey, I am not the only one kay. The rambutans are so juicy, the durians were heavenly, the tarap (a local fruit) was just nice and the langsat were a little sour but still good. My uncle and grandma was telling me about the fruit orchard and being the town girl I am, I was actually fascinated with the durian eating dogs and the langsat/mangosteen eating bats/birds. Have you ever heard a dog eating durians and actually spit the seed out? How cool is that? They also made fun of my little knowledge of the Kadazan/kampung terms. "Kayang-kayang" is not a net but a scarecrow the kampung version and "tutu" means to dab. *sigh* Who am I? I don’t even know what I am anymore.

So my dad is pure Chinese and his parents did came all the way from China. Which part? I am not sure. What I know is my grandfather came to Borneo to work and went back to China to marry my grandmother and *ta-daa* I have my dad, one uncle and three aunties. I know my grandparent is Buddhist but my dad converted to Christianity somewhere along his life. My mom’s father is a Sungai and her mother is Chinese but they labeled themselves as Sungai (a native fr Sandakan). So, my mom and her whole family converted to Christianity when my mom married my dad.

Since my mom only speaks Malay, that is the common language at home until we started schooling. I went to a Chinese kindergarten but I hated the subject because no one at home could help me with my Chinese homework (my dad don’t read or write Chinese). When I was given the option to choose which primary school I want to go, I chose St. Francis Convent primary school and my mom insist we learn English. From then, my dad talks to my sister and I in English. I remember my dad made me read the dictionary!

Since both my parents are devout Christians, we do not practice any of the Chinese or Sungai culture. I think even my parents are clueless when it comes to tradition besides the typical old wives’ tale. I think it is a shame. Maybe I should make it a point to find out more and practice the "good" ones. I mean it is a part of me kan? Like my Chinese name. Hee. It has become nuisance when people tell/ask me why I don’t speak Chinese and I am an embarrassment to the Chinese community. Yes, I have people telling me that. I keep reminding myself it is not a big deal because I am not pure Chinese, nor do I look like one and yet I could still hold my chopsticks properly! HA. Before you go accusing me being a racist, I love the Chinese side of me and I love my Chinese friends. I don’t even mind when they started yak-ing away in Chinese. I just wish other people would not make it a big deal for me being "a clueless Chinese".

I don’t even know anything about the Sungai side of my except it is similar like the Kadazan culture, they live by the sea/river (that explains the name) and I love love love the "Marang" (a dish made from the red durians). That’s it. *whistle* Do not forget that this is the bit of me that qualifies me for the Bumiputra perks.

The only time my ethnicity matter is when I need to fill up an application form. Most time I don’t even remember what I am. *ahaks* All I know I just need to be what I need to be.

It doesn’t feel like the Puasa month. I miss those Pasar Ramadhan in KL where there are so many options most time you ended buying the same thing because you couldn’t decide. I also miss breaking fast with my friends whom I think are breaking fast together at one of my favorite Thai restaurant. I am definitely going to miss my friends’ open house. *sob sob* All those rendang…

Go Go Power Rangers

If I could have super powers, I would choose to the ability to read minds.
Why not? It would definitely make my life less complicated for sure.
I will never get my heart broken nor would I ever embarrass myself ever again.
I know I shouldn’t let those people get to me, but it is so tiring to pretend it didn’t matter.
Just because they assume I didn’t mind (most prob they think I’m stupid) they do it over and over and over again. If I listen to my heart, I would "Otromen" all these people. -> Otromen = Ultramen (a Japanese superhero) It’ll be cool to know what are they thinking about me. Good and bad. Doesn’t matter.

People who couldn't handle a joke should not play jokes on other people.

It’s really funny how some people think it’s okay to make fun of other people but become upset when the "making fun" was redirected towards them. *chuckle* I don’t think I am THAT witty but I know I can be sarcastic when I want too. I admit most times I speak before I think. Thank goodness with the little amount of wit I have, I hardly make a fool out of myself. But I suspect most people are actually laughing at me instead of laughing with me. :P Oh well, at least I am not a sourpuss like some people. *rolls eyes*

Before, when you make fun of me, I’ll just smile and keep my mouth shut. Now, when you make fun of me, I twist it and we ended up laughing at you. Not so funny anymore eh? *evil laugh* She is still sulking until today. Do me a favor; please go away.

My mind is MIA. I am going about with my daily routine/work without it. It’s like I am here but my mind/concentration is elsewhere. Like Robocop minus the ensemble and wiring. I still feel shitty and I am beginning to wonder if there is more to this fever/flu thing. *touch wood* I’ll wait few more days and see how it goes. The doctor said it is just some viral infection.

I did go to see the doctor last Wednesday. I went after work, and the resident doctor wasn’t in. I didn’t know this. I was expecting to see an old Indian doctor but someone else greeted me in the room. I was surprised and wondered if I have walked in to the wrong room. He was a young Chinese/Sino Kadazan guy? I don’t know which ethnic group he belongs to. He was pleasant looking and speaks good English. Hee. I also think he was bored and was paying all his attention to me a little too much. I was his only patient. Well at least during the whole time I was there. He thoroughly asked me every question, checking everything from blood pressure, heartbeat, temperature checking, eyes, ears, nose, and throat. BTW, I find it weird he took my temperature with that thing that looks like a piece of paper you stick on your forehead. Isn’t that for babies? So he told me it was just viral infection and he sends me off with some painkillers, vitamin C and something for my nausea. He did also say if I don’t get better in a couple of days, I need to come back because there are sickness that takes days to develop. *rolls eyes*

So. It’s Friday. Tomorrow is the first Creative Writing class. I am a little nervous and worried. I admit I am a little paranoid when it comes to writing for other people. Sure I write/blog but it’s different kan? I don’t care, well I do care about the grammars or the spelling errors or whether my writing makes sense to other people but to let other people who claims they’re good enough to grade my writing is scary. Although I never had someone tell me I write badly, but there is always a first time for everything. Wait, my boss thinks my press release is acceptable. BUT, I was writing out of nothing. Oh well. I just hope I am not the worst out of the lot. I am not competitive. I just don’t like people to think I am a sad case. Heh? *LOL*

"Do you know what a blog is?"
WTF? Bad enough some people in the office only speaks to me in BM although they speak fluent English, to ask me if I know what a blog is was really… annoying. Do I look like someone who’s been living under a coconut shell in the middle of the jungle? I just nod my head and keep my mouth shut. I need the blog to bitch.

I know I look shitty because I couldn’t be bothered about grooming/makeup. Too tiring la. Not wearing "Chinese Opera Makeup" -> borrowed that phrase from a friend. *ahaks* like most of them in the office doesn’t mean I am less productive/intelligent/interesting individual. I just don’t waste my time parading myself looking for attention. If I want attention, I rather talk to my sister’s dead fish.

For some reason, my insomnia is back. The dark circle under my eyes could put those panda bears to shame. I do not want to look myself in the mirrors/pictures because when I do, I just want to cry. I don’t hate myself. I just dislike, no, hate, no, dislike, err... at the moment hate the packaging I came with. I am no supermodel. I am not even physically attractive. I have always accepted the fact that I am average. It’s just that lately my level of confidence for the physical look department has been running REALLY low. REALLY REALLY LOW. I must have accidentally used it up while fighting the evil witch in the office.

Misfortunes come in packs. One problem after the other. Although it is mostly about material/earthly things, it is enough to give me a headache if not a heart attack. I wish money grow on tree. When I hit the jackpot, the first thing I will do is cry thankfully. Notice how optimistic I am even when everything else is going down? Seriously, the universe needs to get a hobby or at least a new "target" so they could play this cruel jokes on them instead.

I have also been watching to many mushy movies that led me to think I am never going to find my true love. Ever. Why you ask? One of the many reasons are, those who have found love do not look anything like me. They have perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect teeth, perfect body, perfect everything. Even when they wake up in the morning with the bird flu, they still look so beautiful. Other reasons would be I am looking for something that doesn’t exist/extinct and the universe does not have better things to do but to play their cruel jokes on me.

I think it’s for my medication. You notice it too huh?

Gesundheit!

*achoo* *sniff sniff*
My youngest sister went to KL a last week and all she brought was this lousy virus.
*achoo*

She passed the virus to my son, and my son passed it to my mom and I, and my mom passed it to my dad. I am thinking to share it with everyone in the office. *evil laugh* My plan is working because a colleague is complaining of headache and watery eyes. *evil laugh* It is really tiring but taking an MC means one unpaid day. Oh well, if I am still sick tomorrow I will go and see the panel doctor. I have been swallowing so many medications I wonder if I would overdose. If I do, well, I will definitely become famous the next day. Everyone just loves a good gossip/story.

Thank goodness for the massage later. I really need it.

I love weddings. I already know how my wedding would be. It will be simple and intimate. I attended a wedding with 3,000 guests, buffet style. The queue was so long, my friends and I decided to leave and have our dinner elsewhere. One guy threatened to eat his own tongue if he is not provided with food immediately! *LOL* I was shocked to see that many guests though I suspect most of them are there for the free food/liquor. I mean, the father of the bride was giving a speech, but people were already lining up at the buffet table! *tsk tsk tsk* If I were the bride, I will be pretty pissed off. I want people to look and me and tell me how beautiful and radiant I look; instead of wondering what are they serving for dinner or where did the "Beer Girls" go with their refills. *rolls eyes*

Wedding and relationships seems to be the topic of my weekend. Having the flu and allergic reaction isn’t helping either. It is so bloody cold in the office now, if I have balls, it would be frozen by now. *chuckle* The running nose is almost… err.. drying? *LOL* The fever is still here though. *dang* I foresee an MC tomorrow unless I wake up all healthy.

###

I did take that MC. Well I took an unpaid leave actually. My dad’s car had to break down that day. I was having high fever, aching bones, the so-called coughing and the half-dry/half runny nose. I spent the day sleeping while my mom look after my sick and demanding son. I think the office air-cond made me worse. I am just so lazy to carry extra sweater or something in the office and I still haven’t brought one in. Oh well, maybe next week after I clean it.

Oh, the massage Monday night was superb. I actually slept towards the end of the massage. Maybe I was too tired/not feeling so well, but it felt like the best massage I had ever had. Now I need another massage *whistle*

It has been five days since I started falling sick, and I still feel a little shitty, groggy and the muscles are still aching. Been doing a lot of physical work and it is draining a lot of my energy and sanity not to hide under my covers (not that I sleep with any!) when it is time to wake and get my arse moving or otherwise I will be late for work. I always try to be a helpful and "passionate" team member, but it is weird when other people from the other department noticed how pale and sickly I looked but no one in my team seems to notice or care.

Oh well.

So, my mom is going to China with the rest of her "clique" -> my gramps, uncles & aunties. Wish I were invited. I need to take few days off work to look after Ekiel. I manage to arrange sitters so I only need three days off. Then the boss suggested that if I like I could drop him off at the Kiddies Club so I don’t need time off. My Ekiel? In a day care? Honestly I welcome the idea. BUT my Ekiel is a little difficult to handle. He doesn’t do strangers and is very attached to certain family members. I could already imagine the horror of those poor day care workers once Ekiel starts throwing his tantrums. *ahaks* My mom, sisters, brothers and dad complained about their trip to KL. "Your son is a nightmare." "He throws tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants." "He is spoilt." "He is troublesome." "Difficult." I could go on and on.

The other thing would be my mom. She has this thing about strangers taking care of her children/grandchildren. Every time she complains how difficult it is to look after Ekiel, I’ll suggest pre-school or day care center then she will commented how unsafe it is or how kids can easily get sick from mixing from other kids and so on. So even when Ekiel is ready, my mom will never be ready.

Although I know what my mom will think, I will run the idea by her. Who knows, the excitement about the China trip may change her mind.

Blogger to pay for lack of imagination - New Straits Times (21 September 2006 - pg14)

In a case that will surely excite the netizens of Malaysia, a student is being charged for using only one emoticon in all of her blog entries.

Sasparilla Chen. 17, has been keeping a blog for the past year to record thrilling moments in her life such as her exam preparations, her on-off infatuation with a Thai VJ, and surprise birthday parties for her friends. Little did she know that her blog was being monitored by people other than her immediate "posse" – and this is where her troubles started.
Ambi Mohan, head of the popular Malaysian Linguistic Association (MALAS), lodged a police report against Chen for always using only the standard smiley [:)] emoticon in each of her 28 blog entries. :I can’t believe she could be so lazy," says Ambi in his tastefully appointed office in Putrajaya. "Does she not know that keyboards can create many other emoticons such as the wink [ ;-)] or the frown [L]?"

"Yes, my association is now branching out into the Internet, although we don’t have yet a website," he continues. "My interest in the Internet started when my sister Anadil pointed out to me that Googling my name provided 40 hits! So it is now my duty to monitor linguistic usage on the Web."

On his specific beef against Chen, he says: "Using only one emoticon shows that she lacks an imaginative palette. It’s like a painter who only uses one color. Surely such a painter will be rejected by the art world. But as blogs are not regulated by the government, such abuses are permitted to occur. Like her entry on a celebrity’s wedding which simply says, "She married a rich Datuk" and is followed by the smiley emoticon. Any fool can tell you the proper emoticon should be a sad one [:-<] because any 17-year-old girl would surely be unhappy that yet another rich Datuk has been taken off the market!"

Chen could not be reached for comment. It is understood that she has been traumatized by the accusations against her that she has temporarily taken down her blog.

###

Hee. This is just a parody written by Amir Muhammad.
But imagine if this is true, die larr me.

Right Thurr

Where has the weekend go?
I am still tired and no, I did not do any spring cleaning that I have been planning since… who knows when. All I do is watch TV, minimal cleaning and lots of sleeping. I also manage to catch up with friends or rather updated myself with their latest happening through their profiles. Everyone seems to be doing just fine and some are doing A LOT better. I am SO VERY THE JEALOUS but hey, they deserve it. Though there are a few whom I think doesn’t deserve that much of happiness but I am not going to argue about that again. Not today.

Last Friday, some friends and I headed down to the local club. We needed to chill after the insanity we have to face in the office. It has been a while since I REALLY party. We started with a bitching session which is compulsory. It helps to get those frustrations out. Btw, don’t you dare roll your eyes on me, because admit it, you do it too. Yes, you men bitch too. Ha.

We were talking about people + exes and their characters. Tittle-tattles. Life would be less complicated if people would just stop judging other people. PERSONAL means PRIVATE and not to be the subject of your lunch break. :P I admit I do talk about other people but I never discuss about your personal life or choices. I comment on work ethics. Interpersonal skills. Common sense.

It is sad to know some people have nothing better to. Don’t be surprise if they have a bigger closet with skeletons in them.

So, after those people in the café gave us that dirty look for overstaying, we moved to the club. The last time I club in town was well, ages ago. About 4 years? I don’t know what to expect really. My worst case scenario would be – me bored and thank goodness it wasn’t that bad. The crowd sucked, sure. The band was really good even the lead singer whose head and feet are too small for his body. If I close my eyes and listen to him sing, I would SO fall in love with him. One of the girl singers was superb and she also has a very COOL tattoo.

There were many bad dancers and “Young & Dangerous” wannabes. Where did all these people get their fashion tips anyway? I swear there were a lot of “Happy” guys there too, not that I have anything against them. It’s just nice to see strong, macho good looking straight men once in a while. I needed to “guy watch” that night, but that SO DID NOT HAPPENED. *sigh* Btw, is it true that the club is actually a “Happy” joint? Wow. A Happy Bar in a not-so-open-minded community. That’s development to you people!

The chicks were pretty happening. Well, some of them are. Some are trying too hard, but that is just my opinion. The DJ was playing pretty cool stuff until he started the rev music. It wasn’t that bad, but my friends couldn’t handle it and I am older than these people.

We headed to another club. It was a pretty cool place but the DJ too started playing some house music and it was our signal to head home.

Do I miss my partying days? Yes, that night was one of those nights when I miss my Joget Girls and Lil Party Bro A LOT. Do I want my old life back NO. While I was in the club, I spaced out missing my Ekiel so much until one of them snapped me back into reality. I just needed to unwind and dance a little which was impossible with the 3” x 3” space I had. Oh well, there’s always next week. LOL.

I miss him like crazy...

I don’t want to sound so mushy, but I miss my Ekiel *sob sob*
He is now “holidaying” in KL with my mom, dad and two sisters.
Well, they’re in KL for my sis’ convo and Ekiel is there because I couldn’t get off work to stay at home with him.
I call them almost three times a day, just to ask what Ekiel is doing and all.
Apparenly he doesn't even remember me. *sigh*
I tried talking to him, but he just listened and wouldn’t say a word.
He is having the time of his life because he is getting all the attention from his uncles and aunties.
Also because he gets to go out to new places everyday and he is bribed with biscuits and snacks to keep him quiet. *rolls eyes*

I should enjoy the “freedom” but honestly, I just don’t know what to do with the time and I am BORED. I am even am thinking of cleaning the house tomorrow. Tomorrow because today I am having a slight fever and flu because of the rain last night. I am too lazy and broke to go out.

Oh well. It’s not like I never parted with him before. My mom is so gonna make fun of me when she finds out. When Ekiel is at home, I sometimes act like I don’t care because I don’t want to pamper him so much. Honestly, I thought I would enjoy and appreciate this time off from late night tantrums, chasing after him making sure he won’t injure himself, entertaining all his whims and fancies. I actually miss all that.

I need to have a life. Soon.

Pic of him before and after his hair cut. I prefer the old hairstyle but EVERYONE is complaining he looks like a girl/asking if he is a girl -> so what la. He is my son and I like to see him looking like all “rugged” and messy! My mom got fed up and decided to cut his hair. I agreed thinking she will only cut the curls off. When she first tried cutting it, Ekiel ended up looking like a monk. She wasn't happy with the result (she claims she couldn't cut it properly) so she took him to the hairstylist. When I came home from work, I was shocked to see him looking like an accountant. Hee. My poor baby. I will protect you from you grandma the next time you start "looking like a girl". I promise.

whatever will be will be

A colleague read my palm the other day.
He said:
- When you were still in school, your friends didn’t really like you and talked about you behind your back.
True/False?
->I guess it’s true. I am pretty sure people still talk behind my back now anyway.

- You’re super flirtatious
True/False?
-> HAHAHA. Me?

- You don’t get jealous easily
True/False?-> Not really.

- You are very playful
True/False?
-> Err… I like to think I am a very mature and responsible person. Ha.

- You can make money doing business out of simple things
-> does the palm tell you where I can find money to start that business of mine?

Then, he was interrupted or rather concentrated on someone else’ palm.

I admit I was a palm reading/tarot cards/ feng shui/etc junkie.
I don’t like surprises.
I need to know what is going to happen.
I have to know what to expect of the unexpected.
So I turn to the above for comfort and prepare myself for the good or worse.
Being the sometime smart and most time sensible girl I am, I of course don’t depend my whole life on what the card/tea leaves/hand print/song has to say. I am more the “follow my instinct/head” kinda girl. I don’t listen to my heart as often as I like because it seems the heart only makes decision that leads to frustration and massive heartache.

Now I just don’t know anymore.

I begin to wonder if I ever really know what is going on. For all I know, I am still clueless and what I think is right, is not exactly the right thing but I will never know because I assume everything is all right.

Anyway, we just have to wait and see.

Someone told me I am going to find the love of my life after I am twenty eight. I will settle down after I am twenty nine. Ha.

Spinning around

I learned that when other people do no care about their job/task/project, I shouldn’t give a damn either.
I should be happy because it means lesser work for me.
But why do I feel so crappy?

I had one of those nightmares again last night.
It has been a while since I last had them.
At one point in life, I was having a tough time sleeping because I was haunted by my never-ending nightmares. It effected my days too. I was always late for work and I had to drag myself everywhere I go.
After a while it stopped. It will come back once in a while especially when I have a lot of things in mind. *sigh*

In my dream last night, I was in the car with my dad and one of my sister.
We were about to do a U-turn to pick up another sister when we saw a commotion in a shop.
Someone had gone amok and slashing everyone in the shop with a carving knife.
There was blood everywhere.
I also saw the guy chopped off another guy’s hand.
*grossed out*
I also remembered a boy in blue and white t-shirt soaked with blood was carried by a man.
It was so real, when I woke up, I was feeling really sick.
It wasn’t as bad as those dreams I used to have, but I cannot stand the sight of blood, even in my dreams I was squirmish. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was afraid the dream would continue (it happened all the time).

When I was finally dozing off, Ekiel decided to be all fussy and demanding. He wanted his bottle, go back to sleep and go downstairs all at one time. I told him to make up his mind, so he settled with the bottle first then try my patience by wanting to go down and go back up again after 5 minutes. He was about to fall asleep when he suddenly decides he wants to go down instead. My mom took him from me, and I try to get more sleep. Of course that did not happened.
So I am dragging myself around the office today.

I am having a headache.
It’s difficult to breathe because something is wrong with the ventilator. I think.
The air is stale and the work is boring.
For the past few days, it feels like I am working in a factory.
Cutting over 1,200 pcs of paper, sticking 450 labels, printing and clipping over 1,000 pcs of paper, compiling 60 pcs of press kits.
*head banging on keyboard*
I wish I am the boss so I don’t have to do all this s***.
I just tell people what to do and blame my incompetent staff for everything even when it was my fault most jobs are delayed. And I just found out my boss makes 10 times more than I do. Maybe I should put that in my job appraisal.

"Where do you see yourself within the next two years?"
Taking over your job.

Buzzzzz

Busy. Busy. Busy.
Work has been hectic.
One task/job after another.
I don’t mind really.
It takes my mind off many many unnecessary things.
BUT it will be nice, if some people have the brains not to dump more work on me when I am already overloaded and behind schedule or to offer help when all they do is downloading mp3 illegally using the office’s computer the whole day and whining about the work when all they have is JUST ONE SIMPLE job.
Oh well, if they don’t make my life miserable than the world would be a happier place to live in and we SOOO do not want that *roll eyes*

The world is small.
I knew that.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find the world become smaller ever since I got back.
It is scary.
Scary because I cannot run away when I need to.
Not run away literally, but run away from people who know someone who knows someone who knows me and my family. You know larr what I mean. I know it’s not a big deal but seriously, I am content with the family, friends and people I know now. I find it really funny when some people tell me, “Oh, he is my brother’s friend’s friend”. I mean, what am I suppose to do with that information?

I guess I am just tired.
I know think too much.
How can I not?
People throw tantrums at me and their excuse is nobody cares what they go through and how their heart aches.
I’m sorry, but the world does not revolve around you.
My heart is aching and my head is spinning, do you care?
I guess not.

Life is not THAT bad.
Really.

Ekiel is now walking.
The only problem is he walks wherever he fancies.
When he gets a little excited, he will walk too fast and somehow trips himself.
I swear I almost had a heart attack the other day when he was running toward the slope.
Or when he runs into other people. He haven’t understand the concept of avoiding other people who are coming you way.

My mom just cut his hair because people commented Ekiel looks like a girl. I honestly don’t see it and prefer him with his curls. Now he looks like one of those monks in Robin Hood. Hmm…

My grandma just sent over lots of durians. *yummy* Ekiel doesn’t like it though. He said “Bebau” (smelly) when I tried to feed him with one. He even left us alone and did not even try to poke the durians like he usually does with whatever we are eating.

I also have a gathering I am looking forward to next Sunday. Meeting some friends whom I met through Multiply. These people are my supporters when I am in a low, clap the loudest when I have done something great and make me laugh out loud when I need some mood booster. We share and we encourage each other. They are my angels especially when I go crazy with stuff in the office or even at home. Hee.

Looking forward for Christmas too. I know it is only September, but hey, I miss Christmas.

Mega Sale = Mega Broke

I am going to take a five-minute break.
I HAVE LOADS OF WORK to do and I AM SO DAMN LAZY to do it.
Later larr. Why should I work so hard when other people are taking credit for my work?

Went out with my mom yesterday.
Left Ekiel at home with my sisters who are obviously upset.
Oh well.

I wish I could shop till I drop because they say shopping is therapeutic but I am on a very very tight budget.
I spent more than I should but it was just so tempting.
I hadn’t bought anything for Ekiel or myself for a very long time and I think we deserve a nice treat.
So I bought 2 pairs of shoes for myself *grinning*, an eye shadow pallet, a pair of loop earring, 3 hair clips and a small jewelry organizer. For Ekiel, I bought him 4 pairs of clothes, Ekiel’s first two toothbrushes (buy one free one), one airplane model (he loves airplane!) and one musical instrument set.
Ekiel was more interested in the plastic wrappers than any of his new stuff. Hee.
But all the things were worth it. Bought everything at discounted price.
So, NO MORE SHOPPING until Christmas. *sigh*

It’s only the first day of the month and I am already broke.
*head banging on table*
Welcome to my life.

Mommy

My son is still refusing to walk. He would take a couple of steps and looks at you for compliments. So very the minta puji. I admit there are times when he is a brat but most times he is simply loveable.

Story 1: My son was doodling on a piece of paper with a blunt pencil. I absentmindedly told him "Ekiel, draw mommy’s face". He looked at me, came over, holds my shoulder and started drawing ON MY FACE. *sigh* It was painful and embarrassing because my sisters were laughing at me.
Moral of the story: BE SPECIFIC

Story 2: It was midnight and my son refuses to sleep. He found a scientific calculator and used it to knock against the floor. I took the calculator from him and pretend to hide it under the mattress. What my son doesn’t know is I have actually given the calculator to my sister. Ekiel is so determined to have the calculator back actually tried to lift the mattress (he managed to lift it a little) and look for the calculator. When he became tired, he made me (by pushing, pulling, pinching me) lift the mattress for him while he continued the search. He became upset and started screaming and my mom came to comfort him because according to my mom it’s already midnight and she didn’t want the neighbors to call the police.
Moral of the story: NEVER GIVE UP

That’s my boy.
Despite all that, I believe he is actually observant and sensitive about the emotions of people around him.
I was having a tough day. I asked him if he wanted to come up to the room with me and he refused. So I went to have some time alone and clear my head. Not long after that my brother sent him to the room. I kept quiet and let him play on his own. Suddenly he came to me and said "Mommy. Nenen (bottle)". That was the first time he called me mommy. I immediately forgotten about my bad day and made his bottle. I talked to him about my feelings and the things I wish I could give to him. He finished he bottle and was playing on his own. He then again did something unexpected. He came to me and said "Mommy". He smiled, laughed and kissed me couple of times without being asked.

From a bad day, that was one of the best and beautiful nights in my life.

Having a bad day?

Some people don’t understand why anyone would wanna tell the whole world about their personal life.

I agree. Only crazy people would do that. Hee. I blog because I need a way to channel my frustration. I swear I am not like this in person. *whistles* I do try my damnest best to be optimistic and cheerful and all that because I just feel there is no point in arguing or retaliating. You scream at the top of your lungs, accusing and defending yourself and then what? You only embarrass yourself kan? I rather find a way to rectify whatever it is that is needed to be done, whine about it on the net and move on with my life.

And that is how I keep myself from stealing car tires and hitting anyone with my slippers.

Considerate. Thoughtful. How hard is it? When people tell me I am thoughtful or the sensible one, I was like, "OMG. I am boring". Hee. I didn’t realize it was actually somewhat a compliment. Okay, maybe it was sarcasm BUT I AM TYRING TO BE OPTIMISTIC here. Anyway, it saddens me to see how some people demand other people to be considerate and nice to them when they themselves fail to demonstrate the "love". *tsk tsk tsk*

I understand fully how you feel when you’re having a bad day BUT you do not try to spread it to everyone you see kan? It is really tiring to entertain these people. Taking a lot of my patience and wit too especially these days when I don’t have the time to vent out my frustration via blogging. So last night, I snapped and who was my victim? My mom. I know she only has the good-est intention but she commented/attacked my most sensitive battle – my weight. Oh well, I will try to make it up to her.

I am gaining weight by the minute. Life is so bloody unfair. I don’t think I eat THAT much. *whistles* I don’t know. Food is the only comfort I know these days. "I’m having a bad day" *munch munch munch*
"I’m bored" *munch munch munch* Food is Friends. I’m craving for some pasta. *banging head on table*

Last Week's Entry - don't remember when I started writing it

Finally!
Some extra time for me to whine about my "not so interesting" life.
*yay*

I’m alone in the office/room.
Some went for their K class, some who knows where -> I don’t get paid to baby-sit these people.
I am pretty sure I have done all the important/urgent tasks given to me.
If I haven’t, then "too bad Eugene!"

It has been another roller coaster ride.
It’s tiring and a pain in the arse.
If I were emotional or psychotic, I would have beaten that particular person with my one-inch heel and I still wouldn’t feel better.
I was -this close- to tell that particular person off but I am blessed with a sane mind.

It is just me or is the whole world trying my patience?

Dang.
My train of thoughts just crashed.
That particular person is baaackkkk.

Day 2.
I can’t believe I am taking this much of time just to finish an entry.
Oh well, what do you expect when I am writing/typing while doing my work at the same time.
That’s multi-tasking!

The pot calling the kettle black.
This is the case.
I was told there wasn’t any politics going on in this department and they are all one big happy family.
Excuse me?
She is either a) high on something b) blur sotong c) easily pleased d) her staffs are wonderfully talented actor/actress who puts the happy face for show e) all the above.

If you put aside your frustration and loathing, and look at things with your head tilted to one side preferably the right side, it is kinda funny.
You have X who calls Y incompetent and X is the person who takes the time to finish certain job because she doesn’t like to be rush and wants to teach those people to not give us a last minute job and expect the thing to be done immediately. <-Does that makes any sense?

I make it sound as if I am the only one competent here.
Hee. Honestly, that is not the case. But I do try my best to get my job done a.s.a.p.
Unless you ask something crazy like surf the net for information using this ancient Pentium 64MB RAM computer, of course I am going to need A LOT of time.
I sometimes I forget to follow up certain jobs but I’ll admit it.
I don’t go blaming other people or create a fairy tale story where you are the victim of someone who envies you. Ha.

Day 3.
*LOL* I can’t believe I am still in the same entry.
Btw, I normally type my entry in MS Word before I transfer it to the blog because… well for the obvious reason.
Anyway, I feel so fat. Oh well, that is my reality but today I feel extra fatter.
It is just one of those days.
*sigh* I feel so down about everything.
It feels as if the rest of the world is having a shitty week too.
I wonder why.

I need coffee

It has been a long long week.
The workload is tiring but bearable.
I have no idea where the time went.
I only realize it was gone when I needed more time to write.
By the time my world calms down, I am too tired to open my eyes, let alone think to type anything worth typing.

I had my confirmation appraisal the other day.
It went well.
I find it funny when my boss told me I am more intelligent that she thought.
*heh?*
Maybe because during the interview I kept my mouth shut most of the time. I think I also talked a lot of gibberish because I was nervous.
I am now unofficially a confirmed staff of this hotel.
*clap clap clap*
Trying to be optimistic, I believe this is a good thing.

The last few days is like a series of “Menjejak Kasih”
People whom I have not been in contact with and misses a lot suddenly reappears in my life.
The timing was almost/ perfect.
Perfect because I was thinking about them a lot and I miss their company
Almost perfect because I only managed to spend about 2 hours with Aida while making sure my son does not injure himself or trash the hotel room.
Very happy to hear everyone is doing well in their life.

Then I started to think.
Did I miss something?
Though I am very happy with the improvements in my life, I want it all and I want it NOW.
*sigh*

Night Without The Moon by Angelicbug

Night without the moon
It is so lonely
Without her love
He misses her

Even with the stars
He is still unhappy
His precious one
No where to be seen

Will he only think of her
When she has gone away
Will he really love her
If she comes back to stay

Night without the moon
It is so empty
He needs her
But he can never have her

Back to the Future I

"Let not other's insanity gets you. It's contagious with little hope for recovery. If you need to be insane, do it in your own unique way" - angelicbug

~7th August's Entry~

3 August 2006. New Straits Times. Prime News. Page 18.
Have Cab, will whistle.
http://www.nst.com.my/Current_News/nst/Thursday/Columns/20060803073857/Article/index_html

Whistling cab drivers? Err, no thank you.
It’s annoying don’t you think?
Imagine this.

You had a LONG day at work, you’re stuck in a massive traffic jam, the taxi’s meter is going wild and the taxi driver is whistling the WHOLE time.
And every time when the driver try to hit that particular high note he keeps going off key and because he tries to be a good Malaysian taxi driver, he keeps on trying to hit the same note over and over and over but he keeps missing that note?
Wouldn’t you go crazy and want to pull that damn meter and start hitting the driver with it?
I would.

I used to take the cab to/back from work every day.
I met nice ones, the annoying ones, the crazy ones and the scary ones.

The nice ones
- They’re willing to send me to my destination even though the traffic towards that way is almost non-moving while other cabs refused.
- I didn’t have small change. They didn’t have small change. They told me to just give what I have.
- They offered to help me carry my groceries (which of course I never accept but it was nice because they offered)
- Make small talk about weather, funny stories about other passengers

The scary ones
- Makes sexual comments/remarks
- Drives like a mad man
- Upset when stuck in jam (one was so angry, he didn’t want to move even when the traffic was moving. He later scolded me for not telling him about the traffic -> I told him to take a different route but he ignored me)
- Asking personal questions and insist for phone number

I have never encountered a taxi driver that is fond of spreading rumors and malicious statements. If there was ever a taxi driver who talked about the racial issue is during that "thing" between two racial groups. They reminded me not to travel alone and to be alert all the time. All of them agreed that the problem shouldn’t have had happened. They also tell about them grow up together or are good friends with people from the other racial group. Isn’t that a good sharing/testimonial about different racial group living together in harmony?

I remembered this one particular taxi driver. He commented about the mix marriages that are happening in Malaysia. He said although he welcomes the idea of mix marriages, he is just worried one day all the racial group will become extinct and the culture/heritage will die because the young generation feels their history is a nuisance. Doesn’t he have a valid point?

The bit where the writer wrote about a taxi driver who refused to take the Jalan Masjid India route and with that action alone the writer claim that the taxi driver couldn’t resist bringing up issues of religion, as seen in "masjid" and race, as seen in "India" is crazy. He also said the taxi driver made an assumption about the allegedly crowded nature of that road without backing it up with statistical data.

If refusing to go to Jalan Masjid India is seen as religion/racial discrimination, then many other Malaysian, me included are guilty of "bringing up issues of religion".

Why only Jalan Masjid India? There are so many other places people would avoid going. Petaling Street, Sunway, etc. Are we also disrespecting the major racial group who resides in those areas? Please larr.

I never thought anything about the word "masjid" or "India". The reason why I always try to avoid that place is because of the traffic jam and the crowded area. I don’t know about the author but I DISLIKE walking through a sea of people. Maybe once in a blue moon I go crazy and I go hunting for whatever item I want/need.

KL is connected in every way so why would I want to take a busy road when there is a better route? Common sense larr. Most time I will let the taxi driver know which route to take and I always avoid Jalan Masjid India.

Maybe there are those people who have nothing better to do. Why only attack the taxi driver? If you say they have more contact with the tourist, then maybe. But instead of whistling, the authorities should teach them Malaysian history or facts about our tourism spots/activities/programs. A knowledgeable taxi driver is definitely a good image for the country.

If you really want to tackle the problem, then do it the right way. I am not sure what is the right way though. I think Malaysian is educated enough to understand and appreciate our differences. Unfortunately, we are the living example of the third world mentality. I suspect even other third world countries does not discriminate as much as we do.

~4th August's Entry ~

Chupa Chups.
The Pleasure of Sucking.

I saw the TVC in Nickelodeon.
A little inappropriate don’t you think?
You have little girls/bad sucking the chupa chups to a song that goes “bad boys… bad boys”
Even if you don’t have an indecent mind like mine, you must admit it is a little obscene for children (who are the main audience of that channel).

So, it’s Friday again. *yay*
Can’t wait to go home -> 7 more hours to go!
Everyone in the office is irritable and scowling; they’re slamming everything down, raising their voice and ignoring questions.
I just want to slap them silly.

I already had a slow morning.
Ekiel woke up early when my mom was screaming at brother telling him to wake up for school.
Then my mom made Ekiel to go back to bed because she needs to do some chores.
Which he did and woke up when I needed to get ready for work.
Being the spoilt brat he is he want someone to put him back to sleep.
After 30 minutes, I told him to stay awake because I am late for work.
No work, no nyong-nyong -> his term for his bottle.
When I brought him down, he was still testing my patience.
He wants to go down himself.
So I let him while I monitor him.
But he was taking FOREVER and I was really late.
So I yelled at him and he retaliated by refusing to move at all.
*arrgghhh*
Only then my mom came to take him.

I skipped breakfast but I did manage to have my cup of coffee though.
On my way to the office, I felt bad for screaming at Ekiel.
:P He is still a baby. What does he know kan?
I will make up for it later.

When I reach the office, I have to put up with these people.
*taking a deep breath*
This too shall pass.

Piece of cake

The extreme weather is making everyone sick. My dad is coughing. My mom is coughing. My baby is coughing. I am coughing. We are a coughing family. Oh well, at least we could save some money on cough syrup. Sharing is caring.

My mom bakes one of the best cakes/pudding/cookies I ever tasted. She used to take orders for cakes/pudding/cookies, but not anymore because it is too tiring for her. All those time when she was busy whipping the ingredients and preparing whatever that is needed to be prepared, I never bothered to “participate”. This is because I was “ordered” to look after the younger ones or my “participation” wasn’t encouraged because my mother didn’t think her baking talent was passed down to me. Once I was craving for her pudding so I called her (I was in KL) to ask for the recipe and she told me to just buy them from the bakery. Ha.

Anyway, over the weekend my mom had bake three cakes and a pudding. Two cakes and a pudding are for a family friend and a cake for my youngest sister’s birthday. (HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA!) My mom panicked a little because her decorating skills are rusty. For the first time ever, she asked for my help. ME. DECORATE THREE CAKES.

Well, my mom did spread the cream on the cakes first. All I had to do was decorate them. Ok larr. I managed not to butcher the cakes. *LOL* Don’t tell my mom, but I actually enjoy doing it despite my non-stop complains. My mom think I did a pretty good job and actually said I should go and learn how to bake cakes so we could do a small business together. I couldn’t remember the last time my mom said anything like that to me. *pat myself on the shoulder*

So what is the moral of this story? Err… never underestimate anyone? Don’t judge a book just by reading a review in the magazine/newspaper/internet/etc.

Only four months left before the year ends. *erkkss*

So far, I think the year has been good to me. Yes, despite what I wrote in my previous entries, I do think this has been a great year. I came back home with nothing except my faith that things will work out and it eventually did. I manage to get a decent job didn’t I? - without asking anyone for a favor. I found my old and long lost friends. My family, friends and I are in good health and safe from what is happening all over the world.

What more could I ask for? -> yes, there is a long list of things I want but I’ll talk about that in the next entry.